Can you hear the music? That march tempo that says there’s a hero in the room? Problem is, they forgot to play it for Grandma when she washed your clothes, bailed you out of jail and paid off your debts.
Truth is, there is no music, not really, but the superhero hears it constantly. Who you gonna call? There’s one in every neighborhood and family. The primary enabler, the one with the time, the energy and the fortitude to just keep giving, and giving and giving. Yep, just like the Energizer Bunny.
Superhero must feel needed to justify his life. He is quite right about most everything and can appear to be very self-confident—as long as he is rescuing others. It gives him a certain feeling of control and that feeling is what he seeks when he rescues you. He is often found in relationships with others who need constant rescue. And he may even have picked a career that matches his need to rescue.
Superheros thrive on chaos. You might even say she’s a trauma junky. She knows what to do when someone needs rescuing, but could be quite uncertain about what to do about her own life. She seems to light up when someone she knows needs to be rescued. In fact, she may feel bored, lonely, even lost and abandoned when there is no one around who needs to be rescued.
There may have been a single traumatic incident or a slow drip of chaos and trauma in the early upbringing of the superhero. Superheros either fantasized about being able to rescue certain beloved and significant people in their lives or they were actually appointed as the rescuers for those significant others. Either way, when they don the garb of the rescuer and the music starts playing, there is no talking them out of this role. In extreme cases, even when all their money is gone and they are so exhausted that they are literally hospitalized, their only thought is for those they need to rescue.
There are some perks in playing the superhero role. You don’t have to feel your own pain when you are busy with the pain of others. And there is definitely a perception of power and strength conveyed to others, a perception that draws victims to superheros like an aphrodisiac.
But the truth is that for the superhero, the urge to rescue is just as compulsive as is the need to drink to the alcoholic. It is so compulsive because behind the peaceful, strong façade, there is a terrified little child waiting to be rescued. But that child will remain abandoned as long as the rescuer is rescuing others.
Superheros don’t really like the idea of therapy for themselves, so if they ever get there, it’s because they want to know how to rescue better. They will, if allowed, spend the entire hour talking about the person they want to rescue. It is very difficult for superheros to think about themselves at all, much less talk about themselves. If they think about themselves they might find that lost little child inside and we just can’t have that.
But every now and then superheros come to therapy because they are totally exhausted and in pain. Sometimes they are even angry at the person they’ve been trying to rescue for so long, who just won’t stay rescued. And then, they are more open to learning how it is that the person they want rescued has a right to burn up their lives any way they choose. And they might even begin to see how they donned the superhero costume in the first place. Their anger, in this case, might become their very best friend as they channel it into making choices to take care of themselves instead of actually interfering in the lives of others and calling it rescuing. More than that, they will learn how to say no to the myriad people who are using them.
However, those myriads may be just a tad bit angry themselves when Superhero starts saying “no.” They may up the ante by manipulating better than ever before; they may even try things like suicide. So, superheros are going to have to be ready for the onslaught before they make the announcement that they’ve retired from rescuing. This means they are going to need to get a great deal of personal clarity before they make it crystal clear to others.
Sometimes attending ALANON helps superheros to gain that kind of clarity. I recommend it frequently, even when the person that the superhero is trying to rescue is not an alcoholic or addict. The subject matter is the same.
More than anything else superheros are going to have to understand the secondary gains they received from playing this role. A secondary gain is an advantage obtained surreptitiously through behavior that belies the need for that advantage. Understanding these gains means that superheros begin to accept that these are important needs that need to be met in more direct ways. For example, the need for power can be met through career, personal empowerment, the power of choice. And the need for connection can be met through genuine intimate connection with primary and significant relationships.
And once they get that, they can begin to work on the fine art of receiving. This will probably be a life-long task, but what a fun job to work at, right?
Living authentically means doing the inner work and going after the truest you.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Paaarty Time!
You wouldn't think it would be a problem to have a philosophy that life's a party, but as we’ll see, it is a monumental problem. In my book Restoring My Soul, I call this fellow or gal, the Party Dude or Dudette, as the case may be. It is similar to what Dan Kiley calls the Peter Pan Syndrome, in his 1983 book of the same title. Mr. Kiley referred to it only in men, but I think that this mask and costume can be worn by either gender, for it is only a mask and costume. Essentially, what it means, however, is that whomever wears it is bound by a deep inner code that resists and refuses all responsibility of any kind. Of course, these individuals don’t see it as a code, for that would sound too much like obedience, which amounts to responsibility. Rather they see it as “the way to be.” But ultimately it means that paying bills, holding down a job, making and keeping a commitment all sound way too much like responsibility! Life’s a paaarty! Right?
She doesn’t want to have to deal with your tears, your upset, because she doesn’t want to have to deal with her own. He’s the jokester who is the first to crack a joke at the wake. She’s the party girl of whom all of her friends say, “she’s so much fun,” while she’s drinking or using herself into an early grave. He hops from relationship to relationship or if he stays in one for a while it will only be one in which his needs are taken care of by the significant other, so that he’s allowed to keep partying. Relationships serve, to the Party Dude(tte), as good covers for the game. If you are in relationship with this guy or gal, you’ll be paying the bills and keeping food on the table and not only that, but you’ll be the only one in this relationship that is really committed. Your Party Dude(tte) is only staying because you are providing. Oh, Party Dude(tte)s may love you, but only the way a child loves. They need you to be there for them, but they really don’t want to have to be there for you.
Charm and fun, these are the commodities for sale by Party guys and gals. They can be extremely charming and loads of laughs and in that way they are very attractive to someone who is hyper-responsible and needs to take a break now and then. But this uber-comedian is not there when the wind blows, the bough breaks and the cradle falls. Or if s/he is, it’s only for the laughs. And the place to crash.
Party Dude(tte)s very often come from a sad home—a home where the burden of sadness is palpable when you walk in the door. And with his natural gift for humor, this child becomes the one who can make others laugh. The perk in all of this is that she learns that people will actually turn to her and laugh, with that sparkle in their eyes that makes her feel loved. And because his antics usually bring a laugh at home, he’ll carry them to school, and even though he gets in trouble for doing it, if it brings a laugh and some longed-for attention, he’ll keep doing it. What Party Dude(tte)s are learning over time and experience is that this is how they can get some of their needs met. This is the bargain they make with the real world: IF I can make you laugh, THEN I feel important/loved/noticed and that’s as good as it’s going to get.
The sad part is that way down deep Party Dude(tte)s have given up on the hope of ever getting anything more. They have settled for far less than what they really need in hopes that this bargain will be good enough to last.
If you ask them to be responsible, from their perspective, you are asking them to seek after something for which they long-ago gave up the search. They don’t want to feel that hopelessness and you are reminding them of it. They want you to stop, go away, leave them alone and quit trying to make them grow up!
And the even sadder truth is that there are far too many perks in continuing to wear this mask and costume. I mean after all, you are paying all the bills, you are cleaning the house, you are taking care of all the details of life, you are moving my mountains; why oh why, should I make this stop? You may nag, cajole, lecture, slam doors and yell, but as long as you keep doing what you’ve been doing, I just feel like the chagrined kid for a few minutes, then I pick up the game again. In fact, the more you take on the parent role to my kid antics, the more I feel like a kid and allow you to be the parent. Drag me to therapy kicking and screaming, I’ll just recent you like the adolescent resents his parents. I’ll try for a while to make the therapist laugh or I’ll mock the therapist at home to make you laugh. After I find that’s not working, I’ll just start not showing, or make excuses for not scheduling and we’re off to the games again.
Typically, the only thing that brings this big kid to his knees is watching his own child get a broken heart. If Party Dude(tte) can see, really see, that s/he is breaking his or her child’s heart the same way his or hers was broken as a child, it makes a difference. But even this can be short lived unless the consequences for party behavior are very real. In other words, if I can see that I’ve broken my child’s heart, but that I can make him or her laugh and appear to get over it, then I don’t really have to change. But if I lose my child in a custody battle because I’ve gambled all the money away, and I can see how much this hurts my child—I might just get it. Children do tend to get to Party Dude(tte)s, but only because they are just big kids themselves.
But we don’t want Party Dude(tte)s to stop having fun, we just don’t want fun to strangle the life out of living. Anything in excess is too much. And fun stops being funny when it breaks our hearts. Fun stops being funny when we end up homeless because the addiction to the fun of party has robbed us of an income. Fun stops being fun when kids have to watch mom and dad fight over fun.
All the Party Dude(tte) needs to realize is that there is more than one way to connect with people. If everywhere I see you, you look like the Joker, then I’d say you are a caricature, not a real person. I don’t want to sleep, eat, have sex, talk, play and make important decision with a jokester. I only want to play with a jokester. Then it’s fun. Beyond that, no one is laughing.
Waking up means taking off the mask and costume to become the real you.
She doesn’t want to have to deal with your tears, your upset, because she doesn’t want to have to deal with her own. He’s the jokester who is the first to crack a joke at the wake. She’s the party girl of whom all of her friends say, “she’s so much fun,” while she’s drinking or using herself into an early grave. He hops from relationship to relationship or if he stays in one for a while it will only be one in which his needs are taken care of by the significant other, so that he’s allowed to keep partying. Relationships serve, to the Party Dude(tte), as good covers for the game. If you are in relationship with this guy or gal, you’ll be paying the bills and keeping food on the table and not only that, but you’ll be the only one in this relationship that is really committed. Your Party Dude(tte) is only staying because you are providing. Oh, Party Dude(tte)s may love you, but only the way a child loves. They need you to be there for them, but they really don’t want to have to be there for you.
Charm and fun, these are the commodities for sale by Party guys and gals. They can be extremely charming and loads of laughs and in that way they are very attractive to someone who is hyper-responsible and needs to take a break now and then. But this uber-comedian is not there when the wind blows, the bough breaks and the cradle falls. Or if s/he is, it’s only for the laughs. And the place to crash.
Party Dude(tte)s very often come from a sad home—a home where the burden of sadness is palpable when you walk in the door. And with his natural gift for humor, this child becomes the one who can make others laugh. The perk in all of this is that she learns that people will actually turn to her and laugh, with that sparkle in their eyes that makes her feel loved. And because his antics usually bring a laugh at home, he’ll carry them to school, and even though he gets in trouble for doing it, if it brings a laugh and some longed-for attention, he’ll keep doing it. What Party Dude(tte)s are learning over time and experience is that this is how they can get some of their needs met. This is the bargain they make with the real world: IF I can make you laugh, THEN I feel important/loved/noticed and that’s as good as it’s going to get.
The sad part is that way down deep Party Dude(tte)s have given up on the hope of ever getting anything more. They have settled for far less than what they really need in hopes that this bargain will be good enough to last.
If you ask them to be responsible, from their perspective, you are asking them to seek after something for which they long-ago gave up the search. They don’t want to feel that hopelessness and you are reminding them of it. They want you to stop, go away, leave them alone and quit trying to make them grow up!
And the even sadder truth is that there are far too many perks in continuing to wear this mask and costume. I mean after all, you are paying all the bills, you are cleaning the house, you are taking care of all the details of life, you are moving my mountains; why oh why, should I make this stop? You may nag, cajole, lecture, slam doors and yell, but as long as you keep doing what you’ve been doing, I just feel like the chagrined kid for a few minutes, then I pick up the game again. In fact, the more you take on the parent role to my kid antics, the more I feel like a kid and allow you to be the parent. Drag me to therapy kicking and screaming, I’ll just recent you like the adolescent resents his parents. I’ll try for a while to make the therapist laugh or I’ll mock the therapist at home to make you laugh. After I find that’s not working, I’ll just start not showing, or make excuses for not scheduling and we’re off to the games again.
Typically, the only thing that brings this big kid to his knees is watching his own child get a broken heart. If Party Dude(tte) can see, really see, that s/he is breaking his or her child’s heart the same way his or hers was broken as a child, it makes a difference. But even this can be short lived unless the consequences for party behavior are very real. In other words, if I can see that I’ve broken my child’s heart, but that I can make him or her laugh and appear to get over it, then I don’t really have to change. But if I lose my child in a custody battle because I’ve gambled all the money away, and I can see how much this hurts my child—I might just get it. Children do tend to get to Party Dude(tte)s, but only because they are just big kids themselves.
But we don’t want Party Dude(tte)s to stop having fun, we just don’t want fun to strangle the life out of living. Anything in excess is too much. And fun stops being funny when it breaks our hearts. Fun stops being funny when we end up homeless because the addiction to the fun of party has robbed us of an income. Fun stops being fun when kids have to watch mom and dad fight over fun.
All the Party Dude(tte) needs to realize is that there is more than one way to connect with people. If everywhere I see you, you look like the Joker, then I’d say you are a caricature, not a real person. I don’t want to sleep, eat, have sex, talk, play and make important decision with a jokester. I only want to play with a jokester. Then it’s fun. Beyond that, no one is laughing.
Waking up means taking off the mask and costume to become the real you.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Runaway
You don't like hearing it, if you are a Runaway, but you have not escaped. Not anything. You drag it around with you like a ball and chain. It alters your relationships, your jobs, your sense of yourself, everything--all because you are running from it.
You may feel that you have successfully escaped, but actually, you've only made things black or white. That thing you run from, whatever it is, is the black, and you are the white. It's bad, and you are good. Your past is bad, your abuser is bad, your family is bad, your childhood is bad, the things you did in the past are bad--but you have separated yourself from those bad things now, so, whew! everything is okay now. Right?
Wrong. All that has happened is that you have split yourself off from aspects of your own emotions. All the love and sorrow you feel for family members, all the wistfulness you feel for your memories, etc., all of these have been relegated to the unconscious, so that you can feel, literally feel, as if these things don't matter to you anymore. You wonder about this sometimes, how it is that you don't feel anything for these people, events, times or memories, and sometimes it even worries you, but you don't really want to spend too much time figuring this out, because way down deep you fear, that if you do you will be overcome with emotion.
But if you ever do become infected with pieces of shrapnel from your unconscious, when it blasts out of you unexpectedly you just attribute it to PMS, a bad day at work, or just being in a bad mood. You don't connect the dots between the two worlds, the one you've run from and the one of the present--which is, by the way, very much like the one you've run from. You don't look at the patterns of your own behavior that have created the world that mirrors, at least to some degree, the world you run from. You don't even realize the similarities between the two worlds. You just keep running.
Runaways tend to run from anything that makes them uncomfortable--even someone else's emotions. They don't tend to have much patience for the pain that their new friends and loved ones express. Instead, they basically give everyone who "whines" in their hearing a "get over it" whack on the back of the head. The central objective is to run--even if they have to move to Ethopia to do it. Geography works just as good as that whack on the head.
Runaways come into therapy when their own behavior disturbs them. They want to understand why they have done the things that they have done. But what so often happens for Runaways is that they find the person, event, place or thing to blame for the choices that they've made, they separate themselves from those people, events, places or things and that's all that they think they need to do. They have found an explanation for their own behaviors. Now the people or events they blame become the black enemy from which they must escape in order to take charge of their own lives. But, of course, as we've said, this doesn't provide real healing, only an illusionary escape.
So, how does one stop running? Well sometimes it takes a tragedy like the death of one of those despicable people in their pasts or a serious loss of some other type to make them begin to feel all of the love that they've always felt but didn't know they felt. Then there is all of the years of absence and loss to deal with, on top of the sorrow. This is the adult-child who hates his father until Dad dies. Then he grieves inconsolably, not only for the loss of his father, but for the loss of all of those years they could have shared, and for the fact that he never allowed his father any room for limitation and humanity.
Runaways must be willing to consider the possibility of gray. They must be willing to allow room for other people's mistakes. They must be willing to recognize that love is bigger than mistakes. Love doesn't die, even when we try to kill it.
Runaways must change some of their thinking and beliefs. If they are to heal, really heal, not just run, they must learn that black and white thinking is not only ineffective, but completely irrational. They must be willing to find and heal both the blacks and the whites. This means catching themselves in the act of self-betrayal, by recognizing black and white thinking when it occurs. This means catching themselves in the act of self-betrayal by recognizing the subtle mental posturing that they are doing that keeps them out of touch with their own feelings. This means plummeting the depths of their own shadow material.
That's not an easy job. But when people do it, they reconnect with people they have loved and lost due to their own cold choices. When people do it, they learn the art of forgiveness. They pass through the barriers in their own psyches that have prejudiced the past and the people in it and begin to see clearly all of the many different colors of the truth. In so doing their anxiety decreases, their dysfunctional behaviors subside and they become whole people.
We must encourage the Runaways in our lives not to stop growing, to explore the reasons why they can't feel anything, to come to terms, real terms, not black and white terms, with their pasts. It can be done. And on the other side of it is real human connection.
Love and Peace,
Andrea
You may feel that you have successfully escaped, but actually, you've only made things black or white. That thing you run from, whatever it is, is the black, and you are the white. It's bad, and you are good. Your past is bad, your abuser is bad, your family is bad, your childhood is bad, the things you did in the past are bad--but you have separated yourself from those bad things now, so, whew! everything is okay now. Right?
Wrong. All that has happened is that you have split yourself off from aspects of your own emotions. All the love and sorrow you feel for family members, all the wistfulness you feel for your memories, etc., all of these have been relegated to the unconscious, so that you can feel, literally feel, as if these things don't matter to you anymore. You wonder about this sometimes, how it is that you don't feel anything for these people, events, times or memories, and sometimes it even worries you, but you don't really want to spend too much time figuring this out, because way down deep you fear, that if you do you will be overcome with emotion.
But if you ever do become infected with pieces of shrapnel from your unconscious, when it blasts out of you unexpectedly you just attribute it to PMS, a bad day at work, or just being in a bad mood. You don't connect the dots between the two worlds, the one you've run from and the one of the present--which is, by the way, very much like the one you've run from. You don't look at the patterns of your own behavior that have created the world that mirrors, at least to some degree, the world you run from. You don't even realize the similarities between the two worlds. You just keep running.
Runaways tend to run from anything that makes them uncomfortable--even someone else's emotions. They don't tend to have much patience for the pain that their new friends and loved ones express. Instead, they basically give everyone who "whines" in their hearing a "get over it" whack on the back of the head. The central objective is to run--even if they have to move to Ethopia to do it. Geography works just as good as that whack on the head.
Runaways come into therapy when their own behavior disturbs them. They want to understand why they have done the things that they have done. But what so often happens for Runaways is that they find the person, event, place or thing to blame for the choices that they've made, they separate themselves from those people, events, places or things and that's all that they think they need to do. They have found an explanation for their own behaviors. Now the people or events they blame become the black enemy from which they must escape in order to take charge of their own lives. But, of course, as we've said, this doesn't provide real healing, only an illusionary escape.
So, how does one stop running? Well sometimes it takes a tragedy like the death of one of those despicable people in their pasts or a serious loss of some other type to make them begin to feel all of the love that they've always felt but didn't know they felt. Then there is all of the years of absence and loss to deal with, on top of the sorrow. This is the adult-child who hates his father until Dad dies. Then he grieves inconsolably, not only for the loss of his father, but for the loss of all of those years they could have shared, and for the fact that he never allowed his father any room for limitation and humanity.
Runaways must be willing to consider the possibility of gray. They must be willing to allow room for other people's mistakes. They must be willing to recognize that love is bigger than mistakes. Love doesn't die, even when we try to kill it.
Runaways must change some of their thinking and beliefs. If they are to heal, really heal, not just run, they must learn that black and white thinking is not only ineffective, but completely irrational. They must be willing to find and heal both the blacks and the whites. This means catching themselves in the act of self-betrayal, by recognizing black and white thinking when it occurs. This means catching themselves in the act of self-betrayal by recognizing the subtle mental posturing that they are doing that keeps them out of touch with their own feelings. This means plummeting the depths of their own shadow material.
That's not an easy job. But when people do it, they reconnect with people they have loved and lost due to their own cold choices. When people do it, they learn the art of forgiveness. They pass through the barriers in their own psyches that have prejudiced the past and the people in it and begin to see clearly all of the many different colors of the truth. In so doing their anxiety decreases, their dysfunctional behaviors subside and they become whole people.
We must encourage the Runaways in our lives not to stop growing, to explore the reasons why they can't feel anything, to come to terms, real terms, not black and white terms, with their pasts. It can be done. And on the other side of it is real human connection.
Love and Peace,
Andrea
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Superwoman
In this week in which Maria Shriver is so diligently working to inform us of the fact of and the art of women in the workplace, it’s a good time for us to talk about Superwoman. She's the woman in the retro commercial for Enjoli perfume who can "put the wash on the line, feed the kids, get dressed, pass out the kisses, and get to work by five and nine; … bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never, never, never let you forget you’re the man." But more than that, she can be counted on by the boss to get all of his projects done yesterday, and her own too! She is leaned on by everyone in her world, because she can be. And she seems to attract a whole population of people who just don't give a damn about when they get anything done, or if, in fact, they get it done at all. Why does she attract these people? Because she needs to stay in this Superwoman role. She needs to believe that she's in charge, totally in charge of her world, because if she's not, then she might turn into that lonely little child, who found herself totally alone in a world full of supposed caregivers, who didn't care about her.
She's the child whose parents were both alcoholics or drug addicts, who needed someone in the family to be responsible for her younger siblings, because they sure weren't going to be. She's the child who parented her own parents, as well as whomever else came with the package. She learned how to cook when she was five and somehow seemed to know what to do for her younger siblings when no one else did. She is the teenager who appears wise beyond her years, and is praised for that very thing, by teachers and other relatives--those very same relatives who are very glad that she's so responsible, because they don't want to have to step into her shoes.
She's the adult to whom her parents, siblings, children and friends still turn for wisdom, succor and money. But she's also the one who knows that they are not listening to her wisdom and couldn't care less about her succor--they just want the money, thank you very much.
She's the adult who has, over the years, built up an emotional wall between herself and the world, because she knows, without at doubt, that no one in her world really cares about her. They just need her to be there for them. And over those same years, she's built up an arsenal of secret bitterness that, for the most part, only leaks out in a few sarcastic words now and then. But since she believes that she is and must be super-strong, she can scoop those words right up in the pan and "never, never, never let you forget you're the man."
She's the adult who, when she finally decides to get help for herself (which is often many years down the road--and only after someone in authority insists upon it), she'll be suffering with all manner of stress-related diseases, from coronary disease to arthritis. Why? Because for so long she's stuffed her own anger and even her own needs so far down into her psyche that they've bled into her body.
Sometimes Superwoman will lose a job with which she has identified and suddenly become utterly depressed, despondent and even suicidal, because she can no longer be the Superwoman. Underneath every Superwoman is a small, unattended little child, waiting hopelessly in the wings for someone to finally reach out and take care of her. But no one has, and she's certain that no one ever will--so what's the point of living anymore. She can't be Superwoman and she can't be cared for. There's nothing left. Except the Authentic Self.
So, how does Superwoman finally find and begin to live the Authentic Self? She usually has to have a crisis first, similar to that described above. She's been so used to leaping over tall buildings with a single bound and running faster than a speeding bullet, that crises don't really affect her so much. So, it has to be a crisis that takes the wind out of her for a while. It has to be a crisis that makes her land clearly in the heart and mind of that little child. Then she can begin to hear the voice of her own very legitimate needs.
That said, I have seen Superwomen get it young. They somehow realize how unhappy they are, and how unloved they feel and they come to therapy. This younger generation is much more psychologically savvy than those of us in the boomer generation. They seem to get it sooner.
Some young women of today, though they haven’t experienced lack of caring in their homes, have adopted the Superwoman role as a way of immolating their super-strong mothers. Sometimes Superwoman is a single parent, and the daughter simply adopts the mother’s super-stance because Daughter thinks that it’s really working for Mom. So Daughter builds the same walls and bridges all the same gaps between herself and others, because she senses that this will keep her safe from the big, bad world. This daughter may have even been super-loved by Mom, but senses that Mom is trying to protect her from the monsters of the world, and adapts accordingly. But one day, just like Mom, she may have to realize that it was always only a poor coping mechanism.
So, what is the first step to moving out of Superwoman and into authenticity? Well, if this role is not also attached to the Scapegoat role, which it often is, she's not going to have loads of guilt to wade through also, and won't feel terribly selfish for beginning to think of herself. In fact, if she's not also a Scapegoat, she can begin to see that her needs are equal to those of whom she's taken care for all these years and that it might just be her turn.
But her turn doesn't mean getting others to take care of her. That's what she's been secretly craving all these years. But, here's the real deal about adulthood: nobody takes care of us, but us. There can be, will be, should be those who care about us. But take care of us? No. That's our job.
No matter who loves you, it is not their job to take care of your needs. You do that. How do you do that? Well, first you have to know what you need. That takes some soul searching. Then if what you need involves another person, you ask for it. Not demand it--I have to say this to the Superwoman who has been enabled for years in her demanding behaviors that never quite pay off--not demand. Ask. That person is either going to do it, or they are not. If not, you can go to someone else and ask. And if no one can do it, you can do it for yourself.
Superwoman doesn't really want to hear that. Superwoman thought that at the end of the Superwoman role, someone would be standing there, like a parent stands at the end of a sliding board, ready to catch the toddler. No, that's not how it works. The truth is that care-giving that actually takes care of, is meant for infants, toddlers and less and less as the years go by, for young children.
But that's not to say that Superwoman's needs cannot be met. She does have to begin to allow herself to grieve the childhood she never had, to allow herself to know that it's too late for her to be a child now, and that all she can do is move through the stages of grief to acceptance. Once she's begun to accept that she cannot be taken care of, she can begin to allow herself to seek and find real caring in her world. Where she finds that such caring cannot be given, she can remove herself from those relationships. When real caring happens she can begin to tear down the inner walls and allow herself to really take that caring in, as if she were smelling a rose for the first time. Be present with that caring, really feel that hug, really feel and notice the love in someone else's eyes, really receive. And what a gift it is to have your job be learning how to receive!
But there's one more job. She must learn to give only as she desires to give. Not because she HAS to, or SHOULD, but because she truly desires to give. Not only does this make her gifts much more authentic, but it energizes her, rather than depleting her energy.
Along the way, she's probably going to piss some people off. People have been counting on her to get it all done yesterday. And when she starts saying "no" to those tasks and activities and gifts that she doesn't really feel a desire to do, then those dependent people in her life might be a bit upset with her. But even bosses can come to see that they've been piling it on a little too high. And if not, well, it might be time to dust off that old Resume.
Superwoman can stop herself from becoming a death threat to herself. But the path isn't in learning how to do more for others--as many who come to see me often think. Many Superwoman who do finally land on my couch will say that they've come because there's something wrong with them, they used to be able to fly faster than a speeding bullet and they can't anymore. So their assignment to me is that I'm to fix what's broken and get them back to racing that bullet again. Nope, can't do it. Sorry. My job, as a therapist, first isn't to fix anything, but second, is to assist clients in becoming more true to their own deepest selves. Can't do that with a mask and costume.
So, if you are a Superwoman reading this blog, consider the telephone booth to your left, I left some street clothes there for you.
Love and Peace,
Andrea
She's the child whose parents were both alcoholics or drug addicts, who needed someone in the family to be responsible for her younger siblings, because they sure weren't going to be. She's the child who parented her own parents, as well as whomever else came with the package. She learned how to cook when she was five and somehow seemed to know what to do for her younger siblings when no one else did. She is the teenager who appears wise beyond her years, and is praised for that very thing, by teachers and other relatives--those very same relatives who are very glad that she's so responsible, because they don't want to have to step into her shoes.
She's the adult to whom her parents, siblings, children and friends still turn for wisdom, succor and money. But she's also the one who knows that they are not listening to her wisdom and couldn't care less about her succor--they just want the money, thank you very much.
She's the adult who has, over the years, built up an emotional wall between herself and the world, because she knows, without at doubt, that no one in her world really cares about her. They just need her to be there for them. And over those same years, she's built up an arsenal of secret bitterness that, for the most part, only leaks out in a few sarcastic words now and then. But since she believes that she is and must be super-strong, she can scoop those words right up in the pan and "never, never, never let you forget you're the man."
She's the adult who, when she finally decides to get help for herself (which is often many years down the road--and only after someone in authority insists upon it), she'll be suffering with all manner of stress-related diseases, from coronary disease to arthritis. Why? Because for so long she's stuffed her own anger and even her own needs so far down into her psyche that they've bled into her body.
Sometimes Superwoman will lose a job with which she has identified and suddenly become utterly depressed, despondent and even suicidal, because she can no longer be the Superwoman. Underneath every Superwoman is a small, unattended little child, waiting hopelessly in the wings for someone to finally reach out and take care of her. But no one has, and she's certain that no one ever will--so what's the point of living anymore. She can't be Superwoman and she can't be cared for. There's nothing left. Except the Authentic Self.
So, how does Superwoman finally find and begin to live the Authentic Self? She usually has to have a crisis first, similar to that described above. She's been so used to leaping over tall buildings with a single bound and running faster than a speeding bullet, that crises don't really affect her so much. So, it has to be a crisis that takes the wind out of her for a while. It has to be a crisis that makes her land clearly in the heart and mind of that little child. Then she can begin to hear the voice of her own very legitimate needs.
That said, I have seen Superwomen get it young. They somehow realize how unhappy they are, and how unloved they feel and they come to therapy. This younger generation is much more psychologically savvy than those of us in the boomer generation. They seem to get it sooner.
Some young women of today, though they haven’t experienced lack of caring in their homes, have adopted the Superwoman role as a way of immolating their super-strong mothers. Sometimes Superwoman is a single parent, and the daughter simply adopts the mother’s super-stance because Daughter thinks that it’s really working for Mom. So Daughter builds the same walls and bridges all the same gaps between herself and others, because she senses that this will keep her safe from the big, bad world. This daughter may have even been super-loved by Mom, but senses that Mom is trying to protect her from the monsters of the world, and adapts accordingly. But one day, just like Mom, she may have to realize that it was always only a poor coping mechanism.
So, what is the first step to moving out of Superwoman and into authenticity? Well, if this role is not also attached to the Scapegoat role, which it often is, she's not going to have loads of guilt to wade through also, and won't feel terribly selfish for beginning to think of herself. In fact, if she's not also a Scapegoat, she can begin to see that her needs are equal to those of whom she's taken care for all these years and that it might just be her turn.
But her turn doesn't mean getting others to take care of her. That's what she's been secretly craving all these years. But, here's the real deal about adulthood: nobody takes care of us, but us. There can be, will be, should be those who care about us. But take care of us? No. That's our job.
No matter who loves you, it is not their job to take care of your needs. You do that. How do you do that? Well, first you have to know what you need. That takes some soul searching. Then if what you need involves another person, you ask for it. Not demand it--I have to say this to the Superwoman who has been enabled for years in her demanding behaviors that never quite pay off--not demand. Ask. That person is either going to do it, or they are not. If not, you can go to someone else and ask. And if no one can do it, you can do it for yourself.
Superwoman doesn't really want to hear that. Superwoman thought that at the end of the Superwoman role, someone would be standing there, like a parent stands at the end of a sliding board, ready to catch the toddler. No, that's not how it works. The truth is that care-giving that actually takes care of, is meant for infants, toddlers and less and less as the years go by, for young children.
But that's not to say that Superwoman's needs cannot be met. She does have to begin to allow herself to grieve the childhood she never had, to allow herself to know that it's too late for her to be a child now, and that all she can do is move through the stages of grief to acceptance. Once she's begun to accept that she cannot be taken care of, she can begin to allow herself to seek and find real caring in her world. Where she finds that such caring cannot be given, she can remove herself from those relationships. When real caring happens she can begin to tear down the inner walls and allow herself to really take that caring in, as if she were smelling a rose for the first time. Be present with that caring, really feel that hug, really feel and notice the love in someone else's eyes, really receive. And what a gift it is to have your job be learning how to receive!
But there's one more job. She must learn to give only as she desires to give. Not because she HAS to, or SHOULD, but because she truly desires to give. Not only does this make her gifts much more authentic, but it energizes her, rather than depleting her energy.
Along the way, she's probably going to piss some people off. People have been counting on her to get it all done yesterday. And when she starts saying "no" to those tasks and activities and gifts that she doesn't really feel a desire to do, then those dependent people in her life might be a bit upset with her. But even bosses can come to see that they've been piling it on a little too high. And if not, well, it might be time to dust off that old Resume.
Superwoman can stop herself from becoming a death threat to herself. But the path isn't in learning how to do more for others--as many who come to see me often think. Many Superwoman who do finally land on my couch will say that they've come because there's something wrong with them, they used to be able to fly faster than a speeding bullet and they can't anymore. So their assignment to me is that I'm to fix what's broken and get them back to racing that bullet again. Nope, can't do it. Sorry. My job, as a therapist, first isn't to fix anything, but second, is to assist clients in becoming more true to their own deepest selves. Can't do that with a mask and costume.
So, if you are a Superwoman reading this blog, consider the telephone booth to your left, I left some street clothes there for you.
Love and Peace,
Andrea
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Victim
We've all known at least one person whom we would call a victim: Someone who has actually been victimized by someone else, or for whom "life has been hard." And we don't want to give them a bad rap, I mean, really, they've had it hard, right? So, we tolerate their inability to get up in the morning, or their constant or convenient references to their hard lives, or even their abuse, while we sigh and try to be understanding and say, "Yeah, but she's had a hard life," or "Yeah, but he's been through a lot."
Now, I don't want to come across as an unsympathetic person here, but with regard to the victim role, it can turn on a dime into the bully role, if we're not watching. See, there's a difference between someone who occasionally has a victim thought, and someone who is living the role. Anyone can get on the pitypot now and again. Anyone can fault life circumstances with life choices. Sometimes it's hard to reverse that and fault life choices with life's circumstances. I mean that means taking personal responsibility! But if we are going to finally arrive at acceptance of any particular given circumstance, be it an abuse or an accident, illness or a "bad" job or relationship, we are going to have to take personal responsibility. And those of us who do finally move to acceptance over that given circumstance, have learned to take personal responsibility over the choices that we made. That doesn't mean that everything that happens to us is within the power of our choices, but it does mean that we have choices about how we are going to respond to those events over which we have no control. And it does mean that we have much more say-so in our lives than many of us would like to admit.
For someone who has opted to live out the victim role, this means all but never being the cause to your own effect. The mantra of the victim is filled with phrases like:
"You just don't understand how hard it is for me!"
"I had no choice!"
"I was out of control!"
"I was overwhelmed!"
"She or he made me do it!"
"I can't help it!"
I could go on, but you get the idea. This person lives out of what we, in the mental health field, call externalized locus of control. In other words, they locate their controls outside of themselves. They truly believe that their own actions and even their thoughts are controlled by something or someone outside of themselves. The very idea of challenging themselves to do something different than they've always done, hoping for different results, is foreign to them. They cannot even imagine that they are responsible for life choices. It's their parent's fault for not loving them enough; it's their teacher's fault for being bad teachers; it's their brother or sister's fault, their wife or husband's fault; it's the driver of that car's fault--THEY ruined my life!
Ever heard someone say, "He/she/it ruined my life?" At the very least you were listening to someone who is in the throes of a victim seizure, if not someone who lives entirely out of the victim role. Let me be absolutely clear here, before we go into any further depth: NO ONE can ruin your life but you. Take note, there was a period at the end of that sentence. Regardless of what happens in our lives, we still have loads of options, and still are in charge of what we do with it. But the thinking, the belief system of the victim finds this thought unbearable.
Why would such a seemingly hopeful belief be so unbearable to the victim? Because it means taking responsibility for life and life's choices. Taking responsibility to them means several things. It means:
Being guilty.
Bearing the burden of this awful life.
Holding myself accountable.
Fear, terror, blinding terror!
You see, how we interpret makes a huge difference. I interpret taking responsibility for my life and the choices I make as grandly hopeful. I interpret it to mean that nothing, NOTHING can keep me down. But this concept is foreign to the victim. The victim thinks: If I take responsibility for my choices, my responses and very often the actual circumstances themselves then I'll have to feel this enormous guilt. I'll have to be ashamed of myself for all the things that I've done. My response to that, of course, is well, that's your choice. You don't have to choose guilt and shame, but of course, you could if you want.
Victims think, but I should add here that they only think these things on an unconscious level, for to think them consciously might be to recognize what they are up to. Victims think that life is, indeed, awful and that they could not bear to imagine being responsible for such an awful thing. My response to that is, again, that perspective is a choice. Very often, when one of my client's is in the throes of a victim thought, I will ask her (let's say it's a she this time) how yesterday was and she'll give me a litany of the terrible things that happened yesterday. Then I ask, "what else happened?" The best she can tell me is that "Oh everything else was just okay." But I'll insist that she be more specific and tell me about what else happened and what she felt about each specific thing. I've yet to have a single person who is not able to come up with some really cool things that happened that day. Things that he or she had not noticed because s/he had been so busy thinking about how bad the day was. For someone who is not identified as a victim, this switch helps them to buoy the other upsetting things that happened. And it helps them to build hope that there are always some good things going on. But for the victim, and this has been almost diagnostic for me, this discussion will cause great consternation and even irritation. The victim will avoid, change the subject, criticize me for being Pollyanna, just plain deny that anything good happened, or if they can admit that they had a good experience or two, they will "yes but" it to death before it reaches the true light of day.
Persons who are identified as victims simply do not want to realize that they are responsible for their own attitudes, beliefs, thoughts, and ergo, their emotions. They don't want to do the work of realizing that beliefs create attitudes, mantras and eventually emotions. They want to believe that their moods are just related to bad things that have happened to them, or to swings. Victims will often say that they need a medication adjustment when in fact what they need is an attitude adjustment. But the medication, being an external control, is held accountable.
The really bad thing about all this is that in the process, victims get themselves victimized. They get involved with bullies all too often. Why do they do this? Well it isn't because they are masochistic. It's because the bully will help them stay in the victim role and for some reason this victim role seems to work better for them than anything else. Not being responsible somehow makes them feel safe--even if in that safety they are getting the beatitudes kicked out of them. This is where the terror of changing out of the victim mask and costume becomes apparent. Even though the victim role may be killing them, in the most extreme cases, they will hold on to it for dear life, for the prospect of living without it is more terrifying than death.
I want to be clear here that not everyone who is being abused is living out the victim identity. Some, who are being abused are living out the scapegoat identity in which they feel guilty and responsible for others' behavior; some are living out other roles we'll talk about later. But when victims are living in an abusive situation, it is because it makes it possible for them to maintain the victim identity.
The other really bad thing about all this is that very often the victim flips over to the opposite side of the coin and actually becomes the bully. In fact, many victims bully others with their victimness. It works like this:
"I'm so sick, you have to take care of me, and if you don't I'll show you in some way that you really are going to have to come up to it." Maybe they will do this by getting sicker, maybe by attempting to force your hand in some manipulative way.
"I need you; you can't leave me." And so the victim holds his or her victim hostage to this desperate need.
"He/she/it ruined my life. Now it's up to you to fix it."
Again, I could go on, but you get the idea. Anything within the life of the victim can be used to scare, cajole, manipulate or abuse another person, who is perceived by the victim to be the next best "mama." Very often the victim will accuse those, who don't do their bidding, of abandoning them. When I am working with a client who is being so manipulated by a victim, I will very often inform them that adults can't abandon other adults. When we were children, our fear of abandonment was justifyable since we were utterly dependent on our caregivers for sustenance. But the growing up process means becoming more and more accountable for our own choices. Adults are responsible for their own lives--which means that they don't need a primary caregiver anymore. The very notion of abandonment implies that the person left behind is not capable of caring for him or herself. But, you see, for victims, everyone else is responsible for their well-being, because they are absolutely NOT.
So, how do we deal with victims? Well, first we recognize the victim thoughts which hold us victim. We need to be able to see the ways that we are thinking like victims before we can recognize it in someone else. And while we may not be living out the victim role, we must fully understand that we are 100% accountable for our lives to this point and after, in order to be able to recognize and deal with a victim identity in another. Why? Because the victim will be very good at talking you out of thinking that s/he is responsible for his/her own life.
Second, because we are now clear that we are not responsible for their lives in any way, shape or form, we can walk away from that responsibility. This may or may not mean walking away from the victim, but it will mean walking away from taking any form of responsibility for them, their lives or their choices. And that clarity about who is responsible, which we learned in the first step, is going to keep us from feeling guilty when they deliberately take a turn for the worse, or get themselves victimized again, hoping we'll come to their rescue. That also was their choice.
And third, we can take complete responsibility for how we react to their manipulations and machinations to get us to renew our commitment to being responsible for their lives. This might mean confronting ourselves about what secondary gain we get out of rescuing victims.
Will they get it? Occasionally to rarely. But that's their choice. Most often I find that victims have this really cool cat-like feature. They always, somehow, land on their feet. Often this means that they will find someone else to hold hostage to their refusal to take responsibility for their lives. But I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful that if enough of us take 100% responsibility for our own lives, the victim will find no one out there on whom they can utterly lean for their lives, and the whole victim identity will one day fade away.
Until then, I intend to be responsible for me...not you!
Love,
Andrea
Now, I don't want to come across as an unsympathetic person here, but with regard to the victim role, it can turn on a dime into the bully role, if we're not watching. See, there's a difference between someone who occasionally has a victim thought, and someone who is living the role. Anyone can get on the pitypot now and again. Anyone can fault life circumstances with life choices. Sometimes it's hard to reverse that and fault life choices with life's circumstances. I mean that means taking personal responsibility! But if we are going to finally arrive at acceptance of any particular given circumstance, be it an abuse or an accident, illness or a "bad" job or relationship, we are going to have to take personal responsibility. And those of us who do finally move to acceptance over that given circumstance, have learned to take personal responsibility over the choices that we made. That doesn't mean that everything that happens to us is within the power of our choices, but it does mean that we have choices about how we are going to respond to those events over which we have no control. And it does mean that we have much more say-so in our lives than many of us would like to admit.
For someone who has opted to live out the victim role, this means all but never being the cause to your own effect. The mantra of the victim is filled with phrases like:
"You just don't understand how hard it is for me!"
"I had no choice!"
"I was out of control!"
"I was overwhelmed!"
"She or he made me do it!"
"I can't help it!"
I could go on, but you get the idea. This person lives out of what we, in the mental health field, call externalized locus of control. In other words, they locate their controls outside of themselves. They truly believe that their own actions and even their thoughts are controlled by something or someone outside of themselves. The very idea of challenging themselves to do something different than they've always done, hoping for different results, is foreign to them. They cannot even imagine that they are responsible for life choices. It's their parent's fault for not loving them enough; it's their teacher's fault for being bad teachers; it's their brother or sister's fault, their wife or husband's fault; it's the driver of that car's fault--THEY ruined my life!
Ever heard someone say, "He/she/it ruined my life?" At the very least you were listening to someone who is in the throes of a victim seizure, if not someone who lives entirely out of the victim role. Let me be absolutely clear here, before we go into any further depth: NO ONE can ruin your life but you. Take note, there was a period at the end of that sentence. Regardless of what happens in our lives, we still have loads of options, and still are in charge of what we do with it. But the thinking, the belief system of the victim finds this thought unbearable.
Why would such a seemingly hopeful belief be so unbearable to the victim? Because it means taking responsibility for life and life's choices. Taking responsibility to them means several things. It means:
Being guilty.
Bearing the burden of this awful life.
Holding myself accountable.
Fear, terror, blinding terror!
You see, how we interpret makes a huge difference. I interpret taking responsibility for my life and the choices I make as grandly hopeful. I interpret it to mean that nothing, NOTHING can keep me down. But this concept is foreign to the victim. The victim thinks: If I take responsibility for my choices, my responses and very often the actual circumstances themselves then I'll have to feel this enormous guilt. I'll have to be ashamed of myself for all the things that I've done. My response to that, of course, is well, that's your choice. You don't have to choose guilt and shame, but of course, you could if you want.
Victims think, but I should add here that they only think these things on an unconscious level, for to think them consciously might be to recognize what they are up to. Victims think that life is, indeed, awful and that they could not bear to imagine being responsible for such an awful thing. My response to that is, again, that perspective is a choice. Very often, when one of my client's is in the throes of a victim thought, I will ask her (let's say it's a she this time) how yesterday was and she'll give me a litany of the terrible things that happened yesterday. Then I ask, "what else happened?" The best she can tell me is that "Oh everything else was just okay." But I'll insist that she be more specific and tell me about what else happened and what she felt about each specific thing. I've yet to have a single person who is not able to come up with some really cool things that happened that day. Things that he or she had not noticed because s/he had been so busy thinking about how bad the day was. For someone who is not identified as a victim, this switch helps them to buoy the other upsetting things that happened. And it helps them to build hope that there are always some good things going on. But for the victim, and this has been almost diagnostic for me, this discussion will cause great consternation and even irritation. The victim will avoid, change the subject, criticize me for being Pollyanna, just plain deny that anything good happened, or if they can admit that they had a good experience or two, they will "yes but" it to death before it reaches the true light of day.
Persons who are identified as victims simply do not want to realize that they are responsible for their own attitudes, beliefs, thoughts, and ergo, their emotions. They don't want to do the work of realizing that beliefs create attitudes, mantras and eventually emotions. They want to believe that their moods are just related to bad things that have happened to them, or to swings. Victims will often say that they need a medication adjustment when in fact what they need is an attitude adjustment. But the medication, being an external control, is held accountable.
The really bad thing about all this is that in the process, victims get themselves victimized. They get involved with bullies all too often. Why do they do this? Well it isn't because they are masochistic. It's because the bully will help them stay in the victim role and for some reason this victim role seems to work better for them than anything else. Not being responsible somehow makes them feel safe--even if in that safety they are getting the beatitudes kicked out of them. This is where the terror of changing out of the victim mask and costume becomes apparent. Even though the victim role may be killing them, in the most extreme cases, they will hold on to it for dear life, for the prospect of living without it is more terrifying than death.
I want to be clear here that not everyone who is being abused is living out the victim identity. Some, who are being abused are living out the scapegoat identity in which they feel guilty and responsible for others' behavior; some are living out other roles we'll talk about later. But when victims are living in an abusive situation, it is because it makes it possible for them to maintain the victim identity.
The other really bad thing about all this is that very often the victim flips over to the opposite side of the coin and actually becomes the bully. In fact, many victims bully others with their victimness. It works like this:
"I'm so sick, you have to take care of me, and if you don't I'll show you in some way that you really are going to have to come up to it." Maybe they will do this by getting sicker, maybe by attempting to force your hand in some manipulative way.
"I need you; you can't leave me." And so the victim holds his or her victim hostage to this desperate need.
"He/she/it ruined my life. Now it's up to you to fix it."
Again, I could go on, but you get the idea. Anything within the life of the victim can be used to scare, cajole, manipulate or abuse another person, who is perceived by the victim to be the next best "mama." Very often the victim will accuse those, who don't do their bidding, of abandoning them. When I am working with a client who is being so manipulated by a victim, I will very often inform them that adults can't abandon other adults. When we were children, our fear of abandonment was justifyable since we were utterly dependent on our caregivers for sustenance. But the growing up process means becoming more and more accountable for our own choices. Adults are responsible for their own lives--which means that they don't need a primary caregiver anymore. The very notion of abandonment implies that the person left behind is not capable of caring for him or herself. But, you see, for victims, everyone else is responsible for their well-being, because they are absolutely NOT.
So, how do we deal with victims? Well, first we recognize the victim thoughts which hold us victim. We need to be able to see the ways that we are thinking like victims before we can recognize it in someone else. And while we may not be living out the victim role, we must fully understand that we are 100% accountable for our lives to this point and after, in order to be able to recognize and deal with a victim identity in another. Why? Because the victim will be very good at talking you out of thinking that s/he is responsible for his/her own life.
Second, because we are now clear that we are not responsible for their lives in any way, shape or form, we can walk away from that responsibility. This may or may not mean walking away from the victim, but it will mean walking away from taking any form of responsibility for them, their lives or their choices. And that clarity about who is responsible, which we learned in the first step, is going to keep us from feeling guilty when they deliberately take a turn for the worse, or get themselves victimized again, hoping we'll come to their rescue. That also was their choice.
And third, we can take complete responsibility for how we react to their manipulations and machinations to get us to renew our commitment to being responsible for their lives. This might mean confronting ourselves about what secondary gain we get out of rescuing victims.
Will they get it? Occasionally to rarely. But that's their choice. Most often I find that victims have this really cool cat-like feature. They always, somehow, land on their feet. Often this means that they will find someone else to hold hostage to their refusal to take responsibility for their lives. But I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful that if enough of us take 100% responsibility for our own lives, the victim will find no one out there on whom they can utterly lean for their lives, and the whole victim identity will one day fade away.
Until then, I intend to be responsible for me...not you!
Love,
Andrea
Saturday, September 26, 2009
The Bully
If you are the most extreme form of Bully, you will not be reading this article. But those who have been associated with you will be. So, I guess I'm going to have to tell them about you. About the parts of you that you don't ever want anyone to see. You see, I know that you are not evil—even though that's what you want us all to think. I know that you are terrified of power—even though you want us all to believe that you are all powerful. I know that beauty and love are concepts that perpetually allude you, so that you malign them, even seeking, if you can, to destroy them—before they destroy you. So, I might as well get on with it here, exposing you for the vulnerable little child you really are.
See there are all sizes and shapes to the Bully identity, ranging from the growling verbal-abuser, through the manipulative, conniving and dangerous CEO, all the way to the serial killer and the dictatorial master of genocide. In this day of biological cures for just about everything, we tend to think of the Bully as “bad seed,” with many looking for the answers to the mystery of the Bully in his genes. Others would say that the Bully was a Bully, or the victim of a Bully in another life. Perhaps we can put the two together and say that incarnational energy is materialized in the form of genes. But the ultimate truth is that regardless of how we come here the final authority is how we identify in this life.
Identity is everything. It is how we see ourselves and how we see our worlds, even how we create our worlds. Identity is the only thing we know of the I AM. But unlike the I AM, which is the Authentic Self, identity is formed. And it is formed so early that most of us don’t remember it. We’ve all seen the 2 month old infant staring at his closed fist for lengthy periods of time. It’s as if he is absorbing the notion that his hand is attached to something he is beginning to assimilate as “me.” A few weeks later, he is reaching that hand out to pick something up. When he is finally able to actually grasp that rattle he’s been fingering, he puts it directly into his mouth, just as he’s been sucking on his fist until now. Now the rattle is also “me.” It takes some time for him to begin to be able to assimilate the notion that the rattle is not “me” but the hand is “me.” And that struggle between “me” and “not me” goes on for several years thereafter ending—I don’t know, does it ever end?
So, if a child, trying to assimilate “me” is absorbed in an environment of indifference and abandonment, and the frustration, over not being able to get the “me” out there to respond to the “me” in here, grows and grows over time, a certain indifference and Self-abandonment begins to take place. In other words, if I am that child, I must learn to make the longing, hungry, needy, vulnerable “me” go away, become insubstantial so that I can identify with indifference and abandonment. My external world is telling me that I AM not really important, I don’t really matter, I have no real needs, and furthermore, that I am an object, which can be moved around, propped up, lain down and fed or not fed, harmed or not harmed at random.
We can easily see now that this child is likely to grow up having reconfigured the microchip of “me” into an external mirror of his indifferent environment. But that doesn’t mean that there is not still a hungry, lonely, vulnerable child in there who has never been attended. No, that child is still in there, but it has become feral, so that now it howls at the moon at night. And that frustration over not being able to get the external world—thought to be an extension of “me”—to cooperate, has grown exponentially over time so that it is now push-button rage. So, there is this cool, calm indifferent exterior flooded internally with this rush and gush of rage that appears as randomly as the world feels to the Bully.
What has happened is that the Bully has found a coping mechanism. One that seems to him, to protect that vulnerable, little, hungry child. But wait just a minute here, not every Bully comes from an indifferent background, right? Right. Some come from homes that seem to be sincerely loving. And it is here that we get our theories that Bullies come from “bad” DNA.
In the previous blog, called “Mr. Guilt,” we talked about how sensitive children can absorb unresolved psychic issues floating around in the home. Well, all children are sensitive, even psychic. Of course, we teach them to get over that, but as small children their sensitivities are finely tuned to the environment, because they are trying to assimilate and distinguish “me” and “not me.” And the line between “me” and “not me” is very thin for infants, toddlers and preschool children. But as we’ve said, the struggle goes on, sometimes for whole lifetimes.
So, if a child grows up in a home with very “nice” parents or primary-caregivers, one or both of whom have unresolved issues of aggression, or unresolved bitterness and frustration that the outer world (the outer “me”) hasn’t cooperated, these can easily be picked up and identified with by vulnerable children. Now add to that the power of projection, and the need for some parents to literally “give” their children their own sense of “wrongness” or “badness” and you have a blooming Bully.
The Bully develops a belief system that no one can be trusted, that the world is a basically indifferent and uncaring place where his needs will never be met. His only resource then is his own ingenuity. He must trick them, before he is tricked. He must beat them at their own game. He must attribute his own aggressive actions to them as cause because that’s just the way “they” (the outer “me”) are. He is always on guard, sleeping with one eye open and his finger on the metaphorical or not-so-metaphorical trigger. There is a very thin veil between the always guarded, hard, steely-eyed exterior and his hair-trigger rage, which seems to appear randomly. Whether his rage takes the form of verbal abuse or goes all the way to serial-killing and genocide, its trigger has to do with that early frustration over not being able to get the world to hear, see and be with his truest, most vulnerable self.
So, what to do, what to do. How can we help the Bully, or do we just need to steer clear of him? Well, first, before we go any further, it should be acknowledged that I have and will continue to refer to the Bully in male terms throughout this article for two reasons: 1) it is easier to write in a single gender; and 2) we all tend to think of the Bully in masculine terms. But the truth is that there are many female Bullies out there. We’ve begun to see them a bit more on TV and in the movies so the concept of the female Bully is occurring to us to a greater and greater degree. She can be just as fierce as the male Bully, but can sometimes get away with her cruelties a bit easier because no one wants to think of a female Bully.
But again, what to do. Well, first like every other helping mechanism, the helpee has to want it. How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Well, six, but the light bulb’s got to want to change. Needing or wanting help is a concept that is extremely difficult for the Bully to recognize for three reasons. The first is that needing and wanting put him in touch with that vulnerable side, a side which is only allowed out into the light of day through rage. The second is that he doesn’t trust that help is really helpful. He has a deep-seated belief that helpers want something, that they have an agenda, that they are out to get something from him, or worse-yet, that they are really just tricking him and have a plan to outright hurt him. The third is that this Bully identity has worked for him for a long time, or so he believes, because it has kept him safe from the cold, cruel world.
So, the first thing we can do to help the Bully is to recognize that he’s probably not looking for help—at least not externally. And the second thing we can do is to be as sincere as we can be in dealing with him. Even though he won’t trust it, he’ll recognize that it’s different from what he is expecting. And the third thing we can do is inform him, through global education, that this way that he is acting, is just that, an act. It isn’t who he really is, and we know it. It is how he’s imagined keeping himself safe, but it isn’t who he really is. Who he really is is yet to be seen. But it has a lot more to do with that vulnerable, little, needy kid inside than it does with this guarded, cold, cruel, machine-like exterior. If Bullies could ever get that one concept, that this thing they are doing over and over again is a mask and costume they put on to survive, then they might begin to recognize another part of themselves.
Of course, the degree of willingness that they are going to have to even sit and listen to such an idea is going to be based on the psychic depth to which the mask and costume goes. Serial killers have done so much to prove to themselves and their worlds that they are bigger and badder than any other big, bad thing that it is going to be extremely difficult for them to even consider any other option. Power has become an addiction at this stage, and the bigger the power the Bully has been able to arrange in his life, the harder is going to be the fall.
That said, it doesn’t mean that we should stop saying it. The more information there is out there about the mask and costume called Bully, the more likely it is that we as a society are going to stop projecting all of our dark urges onto “those bad guys out there.” We only feed the mask and costume, making it bigger and badder, when we do that.
But let me be clear, I am not advocating for the self-sacrifice of the helper either. We cannot deny that the Bully is cruel or that his actions are harmful and even deadly. We don’t need to suffer the illusion that we are going to somehow save them. All salvation is self-salvation. No one saves anyone. Ever. In fact, no one helps anyone either. All help is self-help and all healing is self-healing. These things are all inside jobs.
But I am advocating for education. I am advocating that we be clear that primary care-givers, biological or otherwise, have a hand in this. I am advocating that we get the word out that Bully is a mask we wear, not a bad seed we carry. I am advocating that we take responsibility for our own dark urges instead of projecting them onto our children, or to the “bad guys” of our world. I am advocating that we educate ourselves with the idea that identity is everything. That children need parents who mirror that deep inner Self, attend to it and acknowledge it as real, rather than trying to mold it, or—as is all too often true in the case of the Bully—to dismiss it entirely. And then if, we can get the word out there to enough Bullies, that they are just wearing a self-protective mask, perhaps some, a few, will begin to find that deeper Self and honor it—finally ending the “me”/ “not me” struggle.
Till then, I’m going to keep telling it like it is,
Andrea
See there are all sizes and shapes to the Bully identity, ranging from the growling verbal-abuser, through the manipulative, conniving and dangerous CEO, all the way to the serial killer and the dictatorial master of genocide. In this day of biological cures for just about everything, we tend to think of the Bully as “bad seed,” with many looking for the answers to the mystery of the Bully in his genes. Others would say that the Bully was a Bully, or the victim of a Bully in another life. Perhaps we can put the two together and say that incarnational energy is materialized in the form of genes. But the ultimate truth is that regardless of how we come here the final authority is how we identify in this life.
Identity is everything. It is how we see ourselves and how we see our worlds, even how we create our worlds. Identity is the only thing we know of the I AM. But unlike the I AM, which is the Authentic Self, identity is formed. And it is formed so early that most of us don’t remember it. We’ve all seen the 2 month old infant staring at his closed fist for lengthy periods of time. It’s as if he is absorbing the notion that his hand is attached to something he is beginning to assimilate as “me.” A few weeks later, he is reaching that hand out to pick something up. When he is finally able to actually grasp that rattle he’s been fingering, he puts it directly into his mouth, just as he’s been sucking on his fist until now. Now the rattle is also “me.” It takes some time for him to begin to be able to assimilate the notion that the rattle is not “me” but the hand is “me.” And that struggle between “me” and “not me” goes on for several years thereafter ending—I don’t know, does it ever end?
So, if a child, trying to assimilate “me” is absorbed in an environment of indifference and abandonment, and the frustration, over not being able to get the “me” out there to respond to the “me” in here, grows and grows over time, a certain indifference and Self-abandonment begins to take place. In other words, if I am that child, I must learn to make the longing, hungry, needy, vulnerable “me” go away, become insubstantial so that I can identify with indifference and abandonment. My external world is telling me that I AM not really important, I don’t really matter, I have no real needs, and furthermore, that I am an object, which can be moved around, propped up, lain down and fed or not fed, harmed or not harmed at random.
We can easily see now that this child is likely to grow up having reconfigured the microchip of “me” into an external mirror of his indifferent environment. But that doesn’t mean that there is not still a hungry, lonely, vulnerable child in there who has never been attended. No, that child is still in there, but it has become feral, so that now it howls at the moon at night. And that frustration over not being able to get the external world—thought to be an extension of “me”—to cooperate, has grown exponentially over time so that it is now push-button rage. So, there is this cool, calm indifferent exterior flooded internally with this rush and gush of rage that appears as randomly as the world feels to the Bully.
What has happened is that the Bully has found a coping mechanism. One that seems to him, to protect that vulnerable, little, hungry child. But wait just a minute here, not every Bully comes from an indifferent background, right? Right. Some come from homes that seem to be sincerely loving. And it is here that we get our theories that Bullies come from “bad” DNA.
In the previous blog, called “Mr. Guilt,” we talked about how sensitive children can absorb unresolved psychic issues floating around in the home. Well, all children are sensitive, even psychic. Of course, we teach them to get over that, but as small children their sensitivities are finely tuned to the environment, because they are trying to assimilate and distinguish “me” and “not me.” And the line between “me” and “not me” is very thin for infants, toddlers and preschool children. But as we’ve said, the struggle goes on, sometimes for whole lifetimes.
So, if a child grows up in a home with very “nice” parents or primary-caregivers, one or both of whom have unresolved issues of aggression, or unresolved bitterness and frustration that the outer world (the outer “me”) hasn’t cooperated, these can easily be picked up and identified with by vulnerable children. Now add to that the power of projection, and the need for some parents to literally “give” their children their own sense of “wrongness” or “badness” and you have a blooming Bully.
The Bully develops a belief system that no one can be trusted, that the world is a basically indifferent and uncaring place where his needs will never be met. His only resource then is his own ingenuity. He must trick them, before he is tricked. He must beat them at their own game. He must attribute his own aggressive actions to them as cause because that’s just the way “they” (the outer “me”) are. He is always on guard, sleeping with one eye open and his finger on the metaphorical or not-so-metaphorical trigger. There is a very thin veil between the always guarded, hard, steely-eyed exterior and his hair-trigger rage, which seems to appear randomly. Whether his rage takes the form of verbal abuse or goes all the way to serial-killing and genocide, its trigger has to do with that early frustration over not being able to get the world to hear, see and be with his truest, most vulnerable self.
So, what to do, what to do. How can we help the Bully, or do we just need to steer clear of him? Well, first, before we go any further, it should be acknowledged that I have and will continue to refer to the Bully in male terms throughout this article for two reasons: 1) it is easier to write in a single gender; and 2) we all tend to think of the Bully in masculine terms. But the truth is that there are many female Bullies out there. We’ve begun to see them a bit more on TV and in the movies so the concept of the female Bully is occurring to us to a greater and greater degree. She can be just as fierce as the male Bully, but can sometimes get away with her cruelties a bit easier because no one wants to think of a female Bully.
But again, what to do. Well, first like every other helping mechanism, the helpee has to want it. How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Well, six, but the light bulb’s got to want to change. Needing or wanting help is a concept that is extremely difficult for the Bully to recognize for three reasons. The first is that needing and wanting put him in touch with that vulnerable side, a side which is only allowed out into the light of day through rage. The second is that he doesn’t trust that help is really helpful. He has a deep-seated belief that helpers want something, that they have an agenda, that they are out to get something from him, or worse-yet, that they are really just tricking him and have a plan to outright hurt him. The third is that this Bully identity has worked for him for a long time, or so he believes, because it has kept him safe from the cold, cruel world.
So, the first thing we can do to help the Bully is to recognize that he’s probably not looking for help—at least not externally. And the second thing we can do is to be as sincere as we can be in dealing with him. Even though he won’t trust it, he’ll recognize that it’s different from what he is expecting. And the third thing we can do is inform him, through global education, that this way that he is acting, is just that, an act. It isn’t who he really is, and we know it. It is how he’s imagined keeping himself safe, but it isn’t who he really is. Who he really is is yet to be seen. But it has a lot more to do with that vulnerable, little, needy kid inside than it does with this guarded, cold, cruel, machine-like exterior. If Bullies could ever get that one concept, that this thing they are doing over and over again is a mask and costume they put on to survive, then they might begin to recognize another part of themselves.
Of course, the degree of willingness that they are going to have to even sit and listen to such an idea is going to be based on the psychic depth to which the mask and costume goes. Serial killers have done so much to prove to themselves and their worlds that they are bigger and badder than any other big, bad thing that it is going to be extremely difficult for them to even consider any other option. Power has become an addiction at this stage, and the bigger the power the Bully has been able to arrange in his life, the harder is going to be the fall.
That said, it doesn’t mean that we should stop saying it. The more information there is out there about the mask and costume called Bully, the more likely it is that we as a society are going to stop projecting all of our dark urges onto “those bad guys out there.” We only feed the mask and costume, making it bigger and badder, when we do that.
But let me be clear, I am not advocating for the self-sacrifice of the helper either. We cannot deny that the Bully is cruel or that his actions are harmful and even deadly. We don’t need to suffer the illusion that we are going to somehow save them. All salvation is self-salvation. No one saves anyone. Ever. In fact, no one helps anyone either. All help is self-help and all healing is self-healing. These things are all inside jobs.
But I am advocating for education. I am advocating that we be clear that primary care-givers, biological or otherwise, have a hand in this. I am advocating that we get the word out that Bully is a mask we wear, not a bad seed we carry. I am advocating that we take responsibility for our own dark urges instead of projecting them onto our children, or to the “bad guys” of our world. I am advocating that we educate ourselves with the idea that identity is everything. That children need parents who mirror that deep inner Self, attend to it and acknowledge it as real, rather than trying to mold it, or—as is all too often true in the case of the Bully—to dismiss it entirely. And then if, we can get the word out there to enough Bullies, that they are just wearing a self-protective mask, perhaps some, a few, will begin to find that deeper Self and honor it—finally ending the “me”/ “not me” struggle.
Till then, I’m going to keep telling it like it is,
Andrea
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Mr. Guilt
When it comes right down to it, what is the emotion or thought that runs you more than any other? What gets you to do things you don't even want to do? If its guilt, then this article is for you. We'll talk about some of those other motivators in the next several blogs, but today, its guilt.
When something has so much power over you that it can get you to do things that you don't even want to do, it's based on an identification, an "I AM." When I identify with something, I make it a huge part of how I see myself. I look in the mirror and I see that part of me--even if I don't know that I 'm seeing it. It's just absorbed into my character.
For example: I have people come into my office all the time who tell me, "I just put other people first. That's just who I am." Or, they say, "I'm a caring person, that's just the way I am." Or, "I can't help it, I just do it that way." These are all statements that reveal an identification. And I often find that people who identify themselves as caring people are motivated by guilt--not compassion. One way to determine the true motivation behind an identification is to ask some questions, like: "How do you feel that those people you care about are receiving your care?" If guilt is the motivator, you'll get answers like, "Well, I don't really think they fully appreciate it," or "They are just using me." Or you might ask, "How do you feel about all of the things that you've done for others?" If it's guilt, you might get something like: "Oh, I feel good about it," or "It makes me feel good." But if you ask one other question, "What do you mean by feeling good?" you might get: "Well, it makes me feel like a good person." The final question is: "How much resentment do you feel?" Most of the time, if the motivator is guilt, you get lots of head nodding and "Oh, I feel resentment all the time," and sometimes an ensuing tirade about all the sacrifices they have made for others who will not sacrifice back. Or, if denial is present you might get "Oh, I never resent other people, but I really don't understand why I'm surroundeded by people who are so selfish!"
Okay, so let's talk about Mr. Guilt. In the book "Restoring My Soul," I call identifications with Mr. Guilt, the Scapegoat role. The scapegoat role is a sacrificial role, based on the metaphor of the old Hebrew ritual of sacrificing a goat for the sins of a community. The role is based entirely on guilt. Way down deep its guilt for existing. We'll talk about how that happens in a minute, but the bottom line is that scapegoats act in one of two ways a majority of the time. Either they are striving always to be "good" people because inside they feel as if they are "bad" people, or they act like "bad" people because they believe that they are bad. I put the words "good" and "bad" in quotes because these are terms that can only be measured by cultural or familial values. There is no real standard for goodness or badness except that which is set up for us by the culture/family from which we hail. Think about it: If you grow up in a family of bank robbers and killers, it would be considered a good thing to rob and kill. So, the truth is that when we live out the identity of the scapegoat, we are living based on a standard that cannot really be affirmed on a universal basis. This thought alone, sometimes makes the scapegoat stop and think for a moment about whether or not s/he wishes to continue on the same path.
How do we become the scapegoat? Well, the interesting thing about identities is that they are formed so early that we can't remember them. Some would say that we brought them with us across the barriers between life and birth, from another incarnation. I don't dispute that, but the fact is that it must be believed in this life if one is to really continue in it. So, let's look at how that might happen for the scapegoat.
As an infant and toddler, I'm trying to find out who I am. At two months I stare at my hand and begin to assimilate the fact that it is me. Two months later, I pick up a rattle and stick it in my mouth, thinking that if that rattle is in my hand, it is also me. Later I'll learn that the rattle is not me, but the hand is still me. And that me/not me struggle goes on for several years of early childhood. And the me/not me includes emotions floating around unresolved in my home, as well as actions committed by others that I cannot understand any other way but to make them me. For example, if I live in a home where my parents are pretty unconscious and have a lot of unresolved material floating around inside of them, then in my me/not me struggle, I may absorb those unresolved issues and make them mine. This is true particularly if I am a very sensitive child by nature. Then if chaos erupts in my home, and it makes no sense to me, I may just make it me, so that I can tolerate it. If it's me it feels much more manageable than recognizing that it is not me and I can't really do much about it. So, that's a bit on how it happens.
Now, what to do about it. Well first you must begin to tell the story of your guilt. You must begin to see how it weaves and woofs between the threads of all the other stories of your life and recognize its voice and its power. Then you will need to make a decision about whether or not you want to continue to live that way. Then the work begins in earnest. And the work is this: doing what your truest desires lead you to do. As you do that Mr. Guilt will be screaming at you to stop it. But the work is in continuing to do what your desires lead you to do, even as you hear the voice of Mr. Guilt. You can thank him for getting you this far, because he really was a coping mechanism you used to survive, but he's just not working for you anymore. You won't make him an inner enemy, you'll just stop surrendering your life to him.
Of course, this will mean getting in touch with your truest desires, but that's a blog for another day. Till then.
Andrea
When something has so much power over you that it can get you to do things that you don't even want to do, it's based on an identification, an "I AM." When I identify with something, I make it a huge part of how I see myself. I look in the mirror and I see that part of me--even if I don't know that I 'm seeing it. It's just absorbed into my character.
For example: I have people come into my office all the time who tell me, "I just put other people first. That's just who I am." Or, they say, "I'm a caring person, that's just the way I am." Or, "I can't help it, I just do it that way." These are all statements that reveal an identification. And I often find that people who identify themselves as caring people are motivated by guilt--not compassion. One way to determine the true motivation behind an identification is to ask some questions, like: "How do you feel that those people you care about are receiving your care?" If guilt is the motivator, you'll get answers like, "Well, I don't really think they fully appreciate it," or "They are just using me." Or you might ask, "How do you feel about all of the things that you've done for others?" If it's guilt, you might get something like: "Oh, I feel good about it," or "It makes me feel good." But if you ask one other question, "What do you mean by feeling good?" you might get: "Well, it makes me feel like a good person." The final question is: "How much resentment do you feel?" Most of the time, if the motivator is guilt, you get lots of head nodding and "Oh, I feel resentment all the time," and sometimes an ensuing tirade about all the sacrifices they have made for others who will not sacrifice back. Or, if denial is present you might get "Oh, I never resent other people, but I really don't understand why I'm surroundeded by people who are so selfish!"
Okay, so let's talk about Mr. Guilt. In the book "Restoring My Soul," I call identifications with Mr. Guilt, the Scapegoat role. The scapegoat role is a sacrificial role, based on the metaphor of the old Hebrew ritual of sacrificing a goat for the sins of a community. The role is based entirely on guilt. Way down deep its guilt for existing. We'll talk about how that happens in a minute, but the bottom line is that scapegoats act in one of two ways a majority of the time. Either they are striving always to be "good" people because inside they feel as if they are "bad" people, or they act like "bad" people because they believe that they are bad. I put the words "good" and "bad" in quotes because these are terms that can only be measured by cultural or familial values. There is no real standard for goodness or badness except that which is set up for us by the culture/family from which we hail. Think about it: If you grow up in a family of bank robbers and killers, it would be considered a good thing to rob and kill. So, the truth is that when we live out the identity of the scapegoat, we are living based on a standard that cannot really be affirmed on a universal basis. This thought alone, sometimes makes the scapegoat stop and think for a moment about whether or not s/he wishes to continue on the same path.
How do we become the scapegoat? Well, the interesting thing about identities is that they are formed so early that we can't remember them. Some would say that we brought them with us across the barriers between life and birth, from another incarnation. I don't dispute that, but the fact is that it must be believed in this life if one is to really continue in it. So, let's look at how that might happen for the scapegoat.
As an infant and toddler, I'm trying to find out who I am. At two months I stare at my hand and begin to assimilate the fact that it is me. Two months later, I pick up a rattle and stick it in my mouth, thinking that if that rattle is in my hand, it is also me. Later I'll learn that the rattle is not me, but the hand is still me. And that me/not me struggle goes on for several years of early childhood. And the me/not me includes emotions floating around unresolved in my home, as well as actions committed by others that I cannot understand any other way but to make them me. For example, if I live in a home where my parents are pretty unconscious and have a lot of unresolved material floating around inside of them, then in my me/not me struggle, I may absorb those unresolved issues and make them mine. This is true particularly if I am a very sensitive child by nature. Then if chaos erupts in my home, and it makes no sense to me, I may just make it me, so that I can tolerate it. If it's me it feels much more manageable than recognizing that it is not me and I can't really do much about it. So, that's a bit on how it happens.
Now, what to do about it. Well first you must begin to tell the story of your guilt. You must begin to see how it weaves and woofs between the threads of all the other stories of your life and recognize its voice and its power. Then you will need to make a decision about whether or not you want to continue to live that way. Then the work begins in earnest. And the work is this: doing what your truest desires lead you to do. As you do that Mr. Guilt will be screaming at you to stop it. But the work is in continuing to do what your desires lead you to do, even as you hear the voice of Mr. Guilt. You can thank him for getting you this far, because he really was a coping mechanism you used to survive, but he's just not working for you anymore. You won't make him an inner enemy, you'll just stop surrendering your life to him.
Of course, this will mean getting in touch with your truest desires, but that's a blog for another day. Till then.
Andrea
Monday, September 14, 2009
Thriving Beyond Sexual Trauma
The Authentic Living show: [http://www.modavox.com/voiceamerica/vshow.aspex?sid=1304] will interview Melissa Bradley, M.S., NCC, B.C.E.T.S. F.A.A.E.T.S, [http://www.omnibuswellness.org/] on September 16, 2009. Missy is an expert on sexual trauma who has taught more the 50,000 professionals how to help survivors of sexual trauma to not only survive, but to thrive. When I sent out my announcement for this show, I got back a note from one supposedly enlightened individual, who said, “Give it a rest—the 90s are over.” Not only was his comment extremely insensitive to the countless individuals who are currently dealing with the symptoms created by a sexual trauma of some type, but it was quite un-enlightened—lacking in insight and compassion.
That said, the truth is that we’ve come a long way, since the 90s, with regard to the possibilities for those who have been sexually traumatized—raped, molested or inappropriately touched, or forced to inappropriately touch another. I remember a time when other therapists literally said to me, “Well you know, when you get a survivor in your caseload, they’ll be there forever.” I am ashamed to say that we therapists perpetuated a belief that survivors of sexual trauma could not ever get beyond it. In fact, for a while, the mental health field in general perpetuated the belief that survivors of sexual trauma were damaged—thus perpetuating their belief that they could never really enjoy a fulfilling life. I, like other practitioners, was trained to believe that, in order to heal, survivors would have to go back into the past, relive the traumas and become familiar enough with that territory to move past it.
However, I have to say, that training never really “took” with me. Nor did the belief that survivors were damaged and could not get beyond their traumas. In the over 15 years, since I heard another therapist make that comment about survivors staying in your caseload forever, I’ve seen hundreds of survivors, no, thrivers move WELL beyond my caseload. And they didn’t do it by halting their present day life, circling the wagons and launching backwards into the past to re-experience their traumas. They did it by discovering the roles, self-messages and identifications they took on in response to those traumas and finding the Authentic Self underneath all of that. In fact, I found that those people who spent months, and even years, trying to find and relive all of those memories, re-identified with those traumas in ways that held them back, even kept them tied to their traumas. They began to see themselves as victims, though they called themselves survivors. They could not understand why it was that they continued to experience Posttraumatic Stress nightmares and flashbacks months and even years after they’d begun to uncover those memories. They went to groups where the traumas were repeated and repeated, all to no avail. They told their secrets and confronted their perpetrators, but they never really got better. Why? Because they were still living in the past, or trying to undo it in the present.
Often I found that survivors who came to therapy for their initial assessment would say something like “Do I have to tell you all about what happened again?” Some had been in therapy for years, repeating and repeating their history but were still stuck in the past. They reported that they simply did not want yet another therapist who would make them relive the past. I assured them that they would not have to relive the past. They were often quite relieved to hear that, and then began to tell me all of the emotional responses, self-messages and frustrating relationships of the present that clearly demonstrated that they were stuck living out a role, wearing a mask and costume that they’d donned in order to survive, but which was no longer helping them survive. In fact, it was sucking the wind out of their sails.
In order to come to a place in which one is no longer simply surviving the past one drags around like a ball and chain, one must do more than just revisit and relive that past. The chains are made of self-messages, emotional and behavioral responses, and thoughts that become mantras, which continue to hypnotize them into the same old same old. They may find a different way of saying and doing the same old things, but they are still saying, doing, thinking and feeling the same old thing. The ball is made up of the events and people involved in the events of those traumas. In fact, the best that such a person can be is a survivor of sexual trauma.
But there is more, much, much more to living than just surviving anything. And in order to live, to really live, we have to resurrect the Authentic Self. My Authentic Self has beliefs about me that my mask and costume disavows. My Authentic Self has desires that my role has thwarted in the name of survival. My Authentic Self has ways of behaving and interacting that are much more genuine than that same old dance step with which I have long ago become totally bored. And the Authentic Self’s behaviors are actually effective. They have a tendency to get me what I want and need. They are much more believable than the roles I’ve played trying to survive. And though I may need to take some risks to implement these genuine behaviors and ideas, if I walk through the fear, I will find myself, my JOYOUS SELF on the other side of that tunnel.
The next few blogs will tell you more about these roles and how you can move beyond them. But I have to say, the good news about the Authentic Self and your potential for JOY is not just for survivors of sexual trauma. It’s for everyone. So, keep reading. And if you’d like a workbook that will actually help you do the work of finding and living the authentic self, go to http://www.andreamathewslpc.com/ and order the book, "Restoring My Soul," today.
That said, the truth is that we’ve come a long way, since the 90s, with regard to the possibilities for those who have been sexually traumatized—raped, molested or inappropriately touched, or forced to inappropriately touch another. I remember a time when other therapists literally said to me, “Well you know, when you get a survivor in your caseload, they’ll be there forever.” I am ashamed to say that we therapists perpetuated a belief that survivors of sexual trauma could not ever get beyond it. In fact, for a while, the mental health field in general perpetuated the belief that survivors of sexual trauma were damaged—thus perpetuating their belief that they could never really enjoy a fulfilling life. I, like other practitioners, was trained to believe that, in order to heal, survivors would have to go back into the past, relive the traumas and become familiar enough with that territory to move past it.
However, I have to say, that training never really “took” with me. Nor did the belief that survivors were damaged and could not get beyond their traumas. In the over 15 years, since I heard another therapist make that comment about survivors staying in your caseload forever, I’ve seen hundreds of survivors, no, thrivers move WELL beyond my caseload. And they didn’t do it by halting their present day life, circling the wagons and launching backwards into the past to re-experience their traumas. They did it by discovering the roles, self-messages and identifications they took on in response to those traumas and finding the Authentic Self underneath all of that. In fact, I found that those people who spent months, and even years, trying to find and relive all of those memories, re-identified with those traumas in ways that held them back, even kept them tied to their traumas. They began to see themselves as victims, though they called themselves survivors. They could not understand why it was that they continued to experience Posttraumatic Stress nightmares and flashbacks months and even years after they’d begun to uncover those memories. They went to groups where the traumas were repeated and repeated, all to no avail. They told their secrets and confronted their perpetrators, but they never really got better. Why? Because they were still living in the past, or trying to undo it in the present.
Often I found that survivors who came to therapy for their initial assessment would say something like “Do I have to tell you all about what happened again?” Some had been in therapy for years, repeating and repeating their history but were still stuck in the past. They reported that they simply did not want yet another therapist who would make them relive the past. I assured them that they would not have to relive the past. They were often quite relieved to hear that, and then began to tell me all of the emotional responses, self-messages and frustrating relationships of the present that clearly demonstrated that they were stuck living out a role, wearing a mask and costume that they’d donned in order to survive, but which was no longer helping them survive. In fact, it was sucking the wind out of their sails.
In order to come to a place in which one is no longer simply surviving the past one drags around like a ball and chain, one must do more than just revisit and relive that past. The chains are made of self-messages, emotional and behavioral responses, and thoughts that become mantras, which continue to hypnotize them into the same old same old. They may find a different way of saying and doing the same old things, but they are still saying, doing, thinking and feeling the same old thing. The ball is made up of the events and people involved in the events of those traumas. In fact, the best that such a person can be is a survivor of sexual trauma.
But there is more, much, much more to living than just surviving anything. And in order to live, to really live, we have to resurrect the Authentic Self. My Authentic Self has beliefs about me that my mask and costume disavows. My Authentic Self has desires that my role has thwarted in the name of survival. My Authentic Self has ways of behaving and interacting that are much more genuine than that same old dance step with which I have long ago become totally bored. And the Authentic Self’s behaviors are actually effective. They have a tendency to get me what I want and need. They are much more believable than the roles I’ve played trying to survive. And though I may need to take some risks to implement these genuine behaviors and ideas, if I walk through the fear, I will find myself, my JOYOUS SELF on the other side of that tunnel.
The next few blogs will tell you more about these roles and how you can move beyond them. But I have to say, the good news about the Authentic Self and your potential for JOY is not just for survivors of sexual trauma. It’s for everyone. So, keep reading. And if you’d like a workbook that will actually help you do the work of finding and living the authentic self, go to http://www.andreamathewslpc.com/ and order the book, "Restoring My Soul," today.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Resilience
August 31, 2009: I spent a considerable part of the weekend of Ted Kennedy's funeral reading Joan Borysenko's latest book, "It's not the end of the World: Developing Resilience in Times of Change" and listening to and watching Senator Kennedy's Memorial and Funeral Services. What struck me most clearly was that this is a man who potently represents the power of resilience. Here is a man whose failings were so public that it's almost embarrassing to watch him struggle, more than once, to tell us of his failings. But tell us he did, and took complete responsibility! But here's the key: in spite of his failings, perhaps even BECAUSE of them, and in spite of or because of his steady stream of life tragedies, this man was able to continue to passionately live his life's purpose. In so doing, he became legendary. And the stories of his legend warm the heart and fill the mind with the poignant power of his message of love. The man simply learned how to love. And he just did it and did it and did it, until the day of his death.
He offers us all a major lesson in how to LIVE. You look life square in the face, you take responsibility for ALL of your own choices and you go deeper and deeper into your soul's purpose and longing. Then you give yourself over to it and give and give and give. That is all. But for those of you looking for a more in-depth explanation of resilience--there's always Joan's book.
Perhaps it is true that what Teddy saw as his "sins" forced him to go deeper into himself. Perhaps it was the tragedies, the assassination of not one but two brothers to whom he was very close, his son's bone cancer, the death of his dear nephew and wife in an airplane crash--and that's just to name a few. They say that much is lost by those of whom much is demanded. And Ted Kennedy fits the bill--on both sides of that equation. Nothing stopped him from becoming the loving and wise man he became, from standing in the breach between the left and the right and looking beyond both of them to the rights and needs of those he served. Was he a liberal? Yes, and if that offends you, just slip past that for a moment and look at the fact that he was able to put his mark on 1000 passed bills 300 of which he wrote himself. Look past that and listen to the stories told by his children, nieces and nephews of the enormous heart of this baby-of-the-family who became, in his brothers' places, the patriarch of the family. Listen to the song written for him by his conservative, Mormon Republican friend, Orrin Hatch, as well as his poignant stories about the depth and humor of their relationship. Look past yourself and your own opinions for just a moment to see this clear example of resilience.
Regardless of your political persuasion, a good read of the history of Ted Kennedy can offer you a recent historical example of resilience. As Dr. Borysenko says in her book, though some are born resilient, we can also develop it. The hardest part of any tragedy is not the events themselves, but how we respond to them. The hardest part of looking at our own faults and foibles is in considering and changing what we ourselves think of them. No tragedy, no fault can keep us from a happy, fulfilling life if we will learn the art of resilience.
-------------------
He offers us all a major lesson in how to LIVE. You look life square in the face, you take responsibility for ALL of your own choices and you go deeper and deeper into your soul's purpose and longing. Then you give yourself over to it and give and give and give. That is all. But for those of you looking for a more in-depth explanation of resilience--there's always Joan's book.
Perhaps it is true that what Teddy saw as his "sins" forced him to go deeper into himself. Perhaps it was the tragedies, the assassination of not one but two brothers to whom he was very close, his son's bone cancer, the death of his dear nephew and wife in an airplane crash--and that's just to name a few. They say that much is lost by those of whom much is demanded. And Ted Kennedy fits the bill--on both sides of that equation. Nothing stopped him from becoming the loving and wise man he became, from standing in the breach between the left and the right and looking beyond both of them to the rights and needs of those he served. Was he a liberal? Yes, and if that offends you, just slip past that for a moment and look at the fact that he was able to put his mark on 1000 passed bills 300 of which he wrote himself. Look past that and listen to the stories told by his children, nieces and nephews of the enormous heart of this baby-of-the-family who became, in his brothers' places, the patriarch of the family. Listen to the song written for him by his conservative, Mormon Republican friend, Orrin Hatch, as well as his poignant stories about the depth and humor of their relationship. Look past yourself and your own opinions for just a moment to see this clear example of resilience.
Regardless of your political persuasion, a good read of the history of Ted Kennedy can offer you a recent historical example of resilience. As Dr. Borysenko says in her book, though some are born resilient, we can also develop it. The hardest part of any tragedy is not the events themselves, but how we respond to them. The hardest part of looking at our own faults and foibles is in considering and changing what we ourselves think of them. No tragedy, no fault can keep us from a happy, fulfilling life if we will learn the art of resilience.
-------------------
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
