Who You Gonna Call?

Can you hear the music? That march tempo that says there’s a hero in the room? Problem is, they forgot to play it for Grandma when she washed your clothes, bailed you out of jail and paid off your debts.

Truth is, there is no music, not really, but the superhero hears it constantly. Who you gonna call? There’s one in every neighborhood and family. The primary enabler, the one with the time, the energy and the fortitude to just keep giving, and giving and giving. Yep, just like the Energizer Bunny.

Superhero must feel needed to justify his life. He is quite right about most everything and can appear to be very self-confident—as long as he is rescuing others. It gives him a certain feeling of control and that feeling is what he seeks when he rescues you. He is often found in relationships with others who need constant rescue. And he may even have picked a career that matches his need to rescue.

Superheros thrive on chaos. You might even say she’s a trauma junky. She knows what to do when someone needs rescuing, but could be quite uncertain about what to do about her own life. She seems to light up when someone she knows needs to be rescued. In fact, she may feel bored, lonely, even lost and abandoned when there is no one around who needs to be rescued.

There may have been a single traumatic incident or a slow drip of chaos and trauma in the early upbringing of the superhero. Superheros either fantasized about being able to rescue certain beloved and significant people in their lives or they were actually appointed as the rescuers for those significant others. Either way, when they don the garb of the rescuer and the music starts playing, there is no talking them out of this role. In extreme cases, even when all their money is gone and they are so exhausted that they are literally hospitalized, their only thought is for those they need to rescue.

There are some perks in playing the superhero role. You don’t have to feel your own pain when you are busy with the pain of others. And there is definitely a perception of power and strength conveyed to others, a perception that draws victims to superheros like an aphrodisiac.

But the truth is that for the superhero, the urge to rescue is just as compulsive as is the need to drink to the alcoholic. It is so compulsive because behind the peaceful, strong façade, there is a terrified little child waiting to be rescued. But that child will remain abandoned as long as the rescuer is rescuing others.

Superheros don’t really like the idea of therapy for themselves, so if they ever get there, it’s because they want to know how to rescue better. They will, if allowed, spend the entire hour talking about the person they want to rescue. It is very difficult for superheros to think about themselves at all, much less talk about themselves. If they think about themselves they might find that lost little child inside and we just can’t have that.

But every now and then superheros come to therapy because they are totally exhausted and in pain. Sometimes they are even angry at the person they’ve been trying to rescue for so long, who just won’t stay rescued. And then, they are more open to learning how it is that the person they want rescued has a right to burn up their lives any way they choose. And they might even begin to see how they donned the superhero costume in the first place. Their anger, in this case, might become their very best friend as they channel it into making choices to take care of themselves instead of actually interfering in the lives of others and calling it rescuing. More than that, they will learn how to say no to the myriad people who are using them.

However, those myriads may be just a tad bit angry themselves when Superhero starts saying “no.” They may up the ante by manipulating better than ever before; they may even try things like suicide. So, superheros are going to have to be ready for the onslaught before they make the announcement that they’ve retired from rescuing. This means they are going to need to get a great deal of personal clarity before they make it crystal clear to others.

Sometimes attending ALANON helps superheros to gain that kind of clarity. I recommend it frequently, even when the person that the superhero is trying to rescue is not an alcoholic or addict. The subject matter is the same.

More than anything else superheros are going to have to understand the secondary gains they received from playing this role. A secondary gain is an advantage obtained surreptitiously through behavior that belies the need for that advantage. Understanding these gains means that superheros begin to accept that these are important needs that need to be met in more direct ways. For example, the need for power can be met through career, personal empowerment, the power of choice. And the need for connection can be met through genuine intimate connection with primary and significant relationships.

And once they get that, they can begin to work on the fine art of receiving. This will probably be a life-long task, but what a fun job to work at, right?

Living authentically means doing the inner work and going after the truest you.