Thriving Beyond Sexual Trauma

The Authentic Living show: [http://www.modavox.com/voiceamerica/vshow.aspex?sid=1304] will interview Melissa Bradley, M.S., NCC, B.C.E.T.S. F.A.A.E.T.S, [http://www.omnibuswellness.org/] on September 16, 2009. Missy is an expert on sexual trauma who has taught more the 50,000 professionals how to help survivors of sexual trauma to not only survive, but to thrive. When I sent out my announcement for this show, I got back a note from one supposedly enlightened individual, who said, “Give it a rest—the 90s are over.” Not only was his comment extremely insensitive to the countless individuals who are currently dealing with the symptoms created by a sexual trauma of some type, but it was quite un-enlightened—lacking in insight and compassion.

That said, the truth is that we’ve come a long way, since the 90s, with regard to the possibilities for those who have been sexually traumatized—raped, molested or inappropriately touched, or forced to inappropriately touch another. I remember a time when other therapists literally said to me, “Well you know, when you get a survivor in your caseload, they’ll be there forever.” I am ashamed to say that we therapists perpetuated a belief that survivors of sexual trauma could not ever get beyond it. In fact, for a while, the mental health field in general perpetuated the belief that survivors of sexual trauma were damaged—thus perpetuating their belief that they could never really enjoy a fulfilling life. I, like other practitioners, was trained to believe that, in order to heal, survivors would have to go back into the past, relive the traumas and become familiar enough with that territory to move past it.

However, I have to say, that training never really “took” with me. Nor did the belief that survivors were damaged and could not get beyond their traumas. In the over 15 years, since I heard another therapist make that comment about survivors staying in your caseload forever, I’ve seen hundreds of survivors, no, thrivers move WELL beyond my caseload. And they didn’t do it by halting their present day life, circling the wagons and launching backwards into the past to re-experience their traumas. They did it by discovering the roles, self-messages and identifications they took on in response to those traumas and finding the Authentic Self underneath all of that. In fact, I found that those people who spent months, and even years, trying to find and relive all of those memories, re-identified with those traumas in ways that held them back, even kept them tied to their traumas. They began to see themselves as victims, though they called themselves survivors. They could not understand why it was that they continued to experience Posttraumatic Stress nightmares and flashbacks months and even years after they’d begun to uncover those memories. They went to groups where the traumas were repeated and repeated, all to no avail. They told their secrets and confronted their perpetrators, but they never really got better. Why? Because they were still living in the past, or trying to undo it in the present.

Often I found that survivors who came to therapy for their initial assessment would say something like “Do I have to tell you all about what happened again?” Some had been in therapy for years, repeating and repeating their history but were still stuck in the past. They reported that they simply did not want yet another therapist who would make them relive the past. I assured them that they would not have to relive the past. They were often quite relieved to hear that, and then began to tell me all of the emotional responses, self-messages and frustrating relationships of the present that clearly demonstrated that they were stuck living out a role, wearing a mask and costume that they’d donned in order to survive, but which was no longer helping them survive. In fact, it was sucking the wind out of their sails.

In order to come to a place in which one is no longer simply surviving the past one drags around like a ball and chain, one must do more than just revisit and relive that past. The chains are made of self-messages, emotional and behavioral responses, and thoughts that become mantras, which continue to hypnotize them into the same old same old. They may find a different way of saying and doing the same old things, but they are still saying, doing, thinking and feeling the same old thing. The ball is made up of the events and people involved in the events of those traumas. In fact, the best that such a person can be is a survivor of sexual trauma.

But there is more, much, much more to living than just surviving anything. And in order to live, to really live, we have to resurrect the Authentic Self. My Authentic Self has beliefs about me that my mask and costume disavows. My Authentic Self has desires that my role has thwarted in the name of survival. My Authentic Self has ways of behaving and interacting that are much more genuine than that same old dance step with which I have long ago become totally bored. And the Authentic Self’s behaviors are actually effective. They have a tendency to get me what I want and need. They are much more believable than the roles I’ve played trying to survive. And though I may need to take some risks to implement these genuine behaviors and ideas, if I walk through the fear, I will find myself, my JOYOUS SELF on the other side of that tunnel.

The next few blogs will tell you more about these roles and how you can move beyond them. But I have to say, the good news about the Authentic Self and your potential for JOY is not just for survivors of sexual trauma. It’s for everyone. So, keep reading. And if you’d like a workbook that will actually help you do the work of finding and living the authentic self, go to http://www.andreamathewslpc.com/ and order the book, "Restoring My Soul," today.