Superwoman

In this week in which Maria Shriver is so diligently working to inform us of the fact of and the art of women in the workplace, it’s a good time for us to talk about Superwoman. She's the woman in the retro commercial for Enjoli perfume who can "put the wash on the line, feed the kids, get dressed, pass out the kisses, and get to work by five and nine; … bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never, never, never let you forget you’re the man." But more than that, she can be counted on by the boss to get all of his projects done yesterday, and her own too! She is leaned on by everyone in her world, because she can be. And she seems to attract a whole population of people who just don't give a damn about when they get anything done, or if, in fact, they get it done at all. Why does she attract these people? Because she needs to stay in this Superwoman role. She needs to believe that she's in charge, totally in charge of her world, because if she's not, then she might turn into that lonely little child, who found herself totally alone in a world full of supposed caregivers, who didn't care about her.

She's the child whose parents were both alcoholics or drug addicts, who needed someone in the family to be responsible for her younger siblings, because they sure weren't going to be. She's the child who parented her own parents, as well as whomever else came with the package. She learned how to cook when she was five and somehow seemed to know what to do for her younger siblings when no one else did. She is the teenager who appears wise beyond her years, and is praised for that very thing, by teachers and other relatives--those very same relatives who are very glad that she's so responsible, because they don't want to have to step into her shoes.

She's the adult to whom her parents, siblings, children and friends still turn for wisdom, succor and money. But she's also the one who knows that they are not listening to her wisdom and couldn't care less about her succor--they just want the money, thank you very much.

She's the adult who has, over the years, built up an emotional wall between herself and the world, because she knows, without at doubt, that no one in her world really cares about her. They just need her to be there for them. And over those same years, she's built up an arsenal of secret bitterness that, for the most part, only leaks out in a few sarcastic words now and then. But since she believes that she is and must be super-strong, she can scoop those words right up in the pan and "never, never, never let you forget you're the man."

She's the adult who, when she finally decides to get help for herself (which is often many years down the road--and only after someone in authority insists upon it), she'll be suffering with all manner of stress-related diseases, from coronary disease to arthritis. Why? Because for so long she's stuffed her own anger and even her own needs so far down into her psyche that they've bled into her body.

Sometimes Superwoman will lose a job with which she has identified and suddenly become utterly depressed, despondent and even suicidal, because she can no longer be the Superwoman. Underneath every Superwoman is a small, unattended little child, waiting hopelessly in the wings for someone to finally reach out and take care of her. But no one has, and she's certain that no one ever will--so what's the point of living anymore. She can't be Superwoman and she can't be cared for. There's nothing left. Except the Authentic Self.

So, how does Superwoman finally find and begin to live the Authentic Self? She usually has to have a crisis first, similar to that described above. She's been so used to leaping over tall buildings with a single bound and running faster than a speeding bullet, that crises don't really affect her so much. So, it has to be a crisis that takes the wind out of her for a while. It has to be a crisis that makes her land clearly in the heart and mind of that little child. Then she can begin to hear the voice of her own very legitimate needs.

That said, I have seen Superwomen get it young. They somehow realize how unhappy they are, and how unloved they feel and they come to therapy. This younger generation is much more psychologically savvy than those of us in the boomer generation. They seem to get it sooner.

Some young women of today, though they haven’t experienced lack of caring in their homes, have adopted the Superwoman role as a way of immolating their super-strong mothers. Sometimes Superwoman is a single parent, and the daughter simply adopts the mother’s super-stance because Daughter thinks that it’s really working for Mom. So Daughter builds the same walls and bridges all the same gaps between herself and others, because she senses that this will keep her safe from the big, bad world. This daughter may have even been super-loved by Mom, but senses that Mom is trying to protect her from the monsters of the world, and adapts accordingly. But one day, just like Mom, she may have to realize that it was always only a poor coping mechanism.

So, what is the first step to moving out of Superwoman and into authenticity? Well, if this role is not also attached to the Scapegoat role, which it often is, she's not going to have loads of guilt to wade through also, and won't feel terribly selfish for beginning to think of herself. In fact, if she's not also a Scapegoat, she can begin to see that her needs are equal to those of whom she's taken care for all these years and that it might just be her turn.

But her turn doesn't mean getting others to take care of her. That's what she's been secretly craving all these years. But, here's the real deal about adulthood: nobody takes care of us, but us. There can be, will be, should be those who care about us. But take care of us? No. That's our job.

No matter who loves you, it is not their job to take care of your needs. You do that. How do you do that? Well, first you have to know what you need. That takes some soul searching. Then if what you need involves another person, you ask for it. Not demand it--I have to say this to the Superwoman who has been enabled for years in her demanding behaviors that never quite pay off--not demand. Ask. That person is either going to do it, or they are not. If not, you can go to someone else and ask. And if no one can do it, you can do it for yourself.

Superwoman doesn't really want to hear that. Superwoman thought that at the end of the Superwoman role, someone would be standing there, like a parent stands at the end of a sliding board, ready to catch the toddler. No, that's not how it works. The truth is that care-giving that actually takes care of, is meant for infants, toddlers and less and less as the years go by, for young children.

But that's not to say that Superwoman's needs cannot be met. She does have to begin to allow herself to grieve the childhood she never had, to allow herself to know that it's too late for her to be a child now, and that all she can do is move through the stages of grief to acceptance. Once she's begun to accept that she cannot be taken care of, she can begin to allow herself to seek and find real caring in her world. Where she finds that such caring cannot be given, she can remove herself from those relationships. When real caring happens she can begin to tear down the inner walls and allow herself to really take that caring in, as if she were smelling a rose for the first time. Be present with that caring, really feel that hug, really feel and notice the love in someone else's eyes, really receive. And what a gift it is to have your job be learning how to receive!

But there's one more job. She must learn to give only as she desires to give. Not because she HAS to, or SHOULD, but because she truly desires to give. Not only does this make her gifts much more authentic, but it energizes her, rather than depleting her energy.

Along the way, she's probably going to piss some people off. People have been counting on her to get it all done yesterday. And when she starts saying "no" to those tasks and activities and gifts that she doesn't really feel a desire to do, then those dependent people in her life might be a bit upset with her. But even bosses can come to see that they've been piling it on a little too high. And if not, well, it might be time to dust off that old Resume.

Superwoman can stop herself from becoming a death threat to herself. But the path isn't in learning how to do more for others--as many who come to see me often think. Many Superwoman who do finally land on my couch will say that they've come because there's something wrong with them, they used to be able to fly faster than a speeding bullet and they can't anymore. So their assignment to me is that I'm to fix what's broken and get them back to racing that bullet again. Nope, can't do it. Sorry. My job, as a therapist, first isn't to fix anything, but second, is to assist clients in becoming more true to their own deepest selves. Can't do that with a mask and costume.

So, if you are a Superwoman reading this blog, consider the telephone booth to your left, I left some street clothes there for you.

Love and Peace,
Andrea