Mr. Guilt

When it comes right down to it, what is the emotion or thought that runs you more than any other? What gets you to do things you don't even want to do? If its guilt, then this article is for you. We'll talk about some of those other motivators in the next several blogs, but today, its guilt.

When something has so much power over you that it can get you to do things that you don't even want to do, it's based on an identification, an "I AM." When I identify with something, I make it a huge part of how I see myself. I look in the mirror and I see that part of me--even if I don't know that I 'm seeing it. It's just absorbed into my character.

For example: I have people come into my office all the time who tell me, "I just put other people first. That's just who I am." Or, they say, "I'm a caring person, that's just the way I am." Or, "I can't help it, I just do it that way." These are all statements that reveal an identification. And I often find that people who identify themselves as caring people are motivated by guilt--not compassion. One way to determine the true motivation behind an identification is to ask some questions, like: "How do you feel that those people you care about are receiving your care?" If guilt is the motivator, you'll get answers like, "Well, I don't really think they fully appreciate it," or "They are just using me." Or you might ask, "How do you feel about all of the things that you've done for others?" If it's guilt, you might get something like: "Oh, I feel good about it," or "It makes me feel good." But if you ask one other question, "What do you mean by feeling good?" you might get: "Well, it makes me feel like a good person." The final question is: "How much resentment do you feel?" Most of the time, if the motivator is guilt, you get lots of head nodding and "Oh, I feel resentment all the time," and sometimes an ensuing tirade about all the sacrifices they have made for others who will not sacrifice back. Or, if denial is present you might get "Oh, I never resent other people, but I really don't understand why I'm surroundeded by people who are so selfish!"

Okay, so let's talk about Mr. Guilt. In the book "Restoring My Soul," I call identifications with Mr. Guilt, the Scapegoat role. The scapegoat role is a sacrificial role, based on the metaphor of the old Hebrew ritual of sacrificing a goat for the sins of a community. The role is based entirely on guilt. Way down deep its guilt for existing. We'll talk about how that happens in a minute, but the bottom line is that scapegoats act in one of two ways a majority of the time. Either they are striving always to be "good" people because inside they feel as if they are "bad" people, or they act like "bad" people because they believe that they are bad. I put the words "good" and "bad" in quotes because these are terms that can only be measured by cultural or familial values. There is no real standard for goodness or badness except that which is set up for us by the culture/family from which we hail. Think about it: If you grow up in a family of bank robbers and killers, it would be considered a good thing to rob and kill. So, the truth is that when we live out the identity of the scapegoat, we are living based on a standard that cannot really be affirmed on a universal basis. This thought alone, sometimes makes the scapegoat stop and think for a moment about whether or not s/he wishes to continue on the same path.

How do we become the scapegoat? Well, the interesting thing about identities is that they are formed so early that we can't remember them. Some would say that we brought them with us across the barriers between life and birth, from another incarnation. I don't dispute that, but the fact is that it must be believed in this life if one is to really continue in it. So, let's look at how that might happen for the scapegoat.

As an infant and toddler, I'm trying to find out who I am. At two months I stare at my hand and begin to assimilate the fact that it is me. Two months later, I pick up a rattle and stick it in my mouth, thinking that if that rattle is in my hand, it is also me. Later I'll learn that the rattle is not me, but the hand is still me. And that me/not me struggle goes on for several years of early childhood. And the me/not me includes emotions floating around unresolved in my home, as well as actions committed by others that I cannot understand any other way but to make them me. For example, if I live in a home where my parents are pretty unconscious and have a lot of unresolved material floating around inside of them, then in my me/not me struggle, I may absorb those unresolved issues and make them mine. This is true particularly if I am a very sensitive child by nature. Then if chaos erupts in my home, and it makes no sense to me, I may just make it me, so that I can tolerate it. If it's me it feels much more manageable than recognizing that it is not me and I can't really do much about it. So, that's a bit on how it happens.

Now, what to do about it. Well first you must begin to tell the story of your guilt. You must begin to see how it weaves and woofs between the threads of all the other stories of your life and recognize its voice and its power. Then you will need to make a decision about whether or not you want to continue to live that way. Then the work begins in earnest. And the work is this: doing what your truest desires lead you to do. As you do that Mr. Guilt will be screaming at you to stop it. But the work is in continuing to do what your desires lead you to do, even as you hear the voice of Mr. Guilt. You can thank him for getting you this far, because he really was a coping mechanism you used to survive, but he's just not working for you anymore. You won't make him an inner enemy, you'll just stop surrendering your life to him.

Of course, this will mean getting in touch with your truest desires, but that's a blog for another day. Till then.
Andrea