Paaarty Time!

You wouldn't think it would be a problem to have a philosophy that life's a party, but as we’ll see, it is a monumental problem. In my book Restoring My Soul, I call this fellow or gal, the Party Dude or Dudette, as the case may be. It is similar to what Dan Kiley calls the Peter Pan Syndrome, in his 1983 book of the same title. Mr. Kiley referred to it only in men, but I think that this mask and costume can be worn by either gender, for it is only a mask and costume. Essentially, what it means, however, is that whomever wears it is bound by a deep inner code that resists and refuses all responsibility of any kind. Of course, these individuals don’t see it as a code, for that would sound too much like obedience, which amounts to responsibility. Rather they see it as “the way to be.” But ultimately it means that paying bills, holding down a job, making and keeping a commitment all sound way too much like responsibility! Life’s a paaarty! Right?

She doesn’t want to have to deal with your tears, your upset, because she doesn’t want to have to deal with her own. He’s the jokester who is the first to crack a joke at the wake. She’s the party girl of whom all of her friends say, “she’s so much fun,” while she’s drinking or using herself into an early grave. He hops from relationship to relationship or if he stays in one for a while it will only be one in which his needs are taken care of by the significant other, so that he’s allowed to keep partying. Relationships serve, to the Party Dude(tte), as good covers for the game. If you are in relationship with this guy or gal, you’ll be paying the bills and keeping food on the table and not only that, but you’ll be the only one in this relationship that is really committed. Your Party Dude(tte) is only staying because you are providing. Oh, Party Dude(tte)s may love you, but only the way a child loves. They need you to be there for them, but they really don’t want to have to be there for you.

Charm and fun, these are the commodities for sale by Party guys and gals. They can be extremely charming and loads of laughs and in that way they are very attractive to someone who is hyper-responsible and needs to take a break now and then. But this uber-comedian is not there when the wind blows, the bough breaks and the cradle falls. Or if s/he is, it’s only for the laughs. And the place to crash.

Party Dude(tte)s very often come from a sad home—a home where the burden of sadness is palpable when you walk in the door. And with his natural gift for humor, this child becomes the one who can make others laugh. The perk in all of this is that she learns that people will actually turn to her and laugh, with that sparkle in their eyes that makes her feel loved. And because his antics usually bring a laugh at home, he’ll carry them to school, and even though he gets in trouble for doing it, if it brings a laugh and some longed-for attention, he’ll keep doing it. What Party Dude(tte)s are learning over time and experience is that this is how they can get some of their needs met. This is the bargain they make with the real world: IF I can make you laugh, THEN I feel important/loved/noticed and that’s as good as it’s going to get.

The sad part is that way down deep Party Dude(tte)s have given up on the hope of ever getting anything more. They have settled for far less than what they really need in hopes that this bargain will be good enough to last.

If you ask them to be responsible, from their perspective, you are asking them to seek after something for which they long-ago gave up the search. They don’t want to feel that hopelessness and you are reminding them of it. They want you to stop, go away, leave them alone and quit trying to make them grow up!

And the even sadder truth is that there are far too many perks in continuing to wear this mask and costume. I mean after all, you are paying all the bills, you are cleaning the house, you are taking care of all the details of life, you are moving my mountains; why oh why, should I make this stop? You may nag, cajole, lecture, slam doors and yell, but as long as you keep doing what you’ve been doing, I just feel like the chagrined kid for a few minutes, then I pick up the game again. In fact, the more you take on the parent role to my kid antics, the more I feel like a kid and allow you to be the parent. Drag me to therapy kicking and screaming, I’ll just recent you like the adolescent resents his parents. I’ll try for a while to make the therapist laugh or I’ll mock the therapist at home to make you laugh. After I find that’s not working, I’ll just start not showing, or make excuses for not scheduling and we’re off to the games again.

Typically, the only thing that brings this big kid to his knees is watching his own child get a broken heart. If Party Dude(tte) can see, really see, that s/he is breaking his or her child’s heart the same way his or hers was broken as a child, it makes a difference. But even this can be short lived unless the consequences for party behavior are very real. In other words, if I can see that I’ve broken my child’s heart, but that I can make him or her laugh and appear to get over it, then I don’t really have to change. But if I lose my child in a custody battle because I’ve gambled all the money away, and I can see how much this hurts my child—I might just get it. Children do tend to get to Party Dude(tte)s, but only because they are just big kids themselves.

But we don’t want Party Dude(tte)s to stop having fun, we just don’t want fun to strangle the life out of living. Anything in excess is too much. And fun stops being funny when it breaks our hearts. Fun stops being funny when we end up homeless because the addiction to the fun of party has robbed us of an income. Fun stops being fun when kids have to watch mom and dad fight over fun.

All the Party Dude(tte) needs to realize is that there is more than one way to connect with people. If everywhere I see you, you look like the Joker, then I’d say you are a caricature, not a real person. I don’t want to sleep, eat, have sex, talk, play and make important decision with a jokester. I only want to play with a jokester. Then it’s fun. Beyond that, no one is laughing.

Waking up means taking off the mask and costume to become the real you.