If you are the most extreme form of Bully, you will not be reading this article. But those who have been associated with you will be. So, I guess I'm going to have to tell them about you. About the parts of you that you don't ever want anyone to see. You see, I know that you are not evil—even though that's what you want us all to think. I know that you are terrified of power—even though you want us all to believe that you are all powerful. I know that beauty and love are concepts that perpetually allude you, so that you malign them, even seeking, if you can, to destroy them—before they destroy you. So, I might as well get on with it here, exposing you for the vulnerable little child you really are.
See there are all sizes and shapes to the Bully identity, ranging from the growling verbal-abuser, through the manipulative, conniving and dangerous CEO, all the way to the serial killer and the dictatorial master of genocide. In this day of biological cures for just about everything, we tend to think of the Bully as “bad seed,” with many looking for the answers to the mystery of the Bully in his genes. Others would say that the Bully was a Bully, or the victim of a Bully in another life. Perhaps we can put the two together and say that incarnational energy is materialized in the form of genes. But the ultimate truth is that regardless of how we come here the final authority is how we identify in this life.
Identity is everything. It is how we see ourselves and how we see our worlds, even how we create our worlds. Identity is the only thing we know of the I AM. But unlike the I AM, which is the Authentic Self, identity is formed. And it is formed so early that most of us don’t remember it. We’ve all seen the 2 month old infant staring at his closed fist for lengthy periods of time. It’s as if he is absorbing the notion that his hand is attached to something he is beginning to assimilate as “me.” A few weeks later, he is reaching that hand out to pick something up. When he is finally able to actually grasp that rattle he’s been fingering, he puts it directly into his mouth, just as he’s been sucking on his fist until now. Now the rattle is also “me.” It takes some time for him to begin to be able to assimilate the notion that the rattle is not “me” but the hand is “me.” And that struggle between “me” and “not me” goes on for several years thereafter ending—I don’t know, does it ever end?
So, if a child, trying to assimilate “me” is absorbed in an environment of indifference and abandonment, and the frustration, over not being able to get the “me” out there to respond to the “me” in here, grows and grows over time, a certain indifference and Self-abandonment begins to take place. In other words, if I am that child, I must learn to make the longing, hungry, needy, vulnerable “me” go away, become insubstantial so that I can identify with indifference and abandonment. My external world is telling me that I AM not really important, I don’t really matter, I have no real needs, and furthermore, that I am an object, which can be moved around, propped up, lain down and fed or not fed, harmed or not harmed at random.
We can easily see now that this child is likely to grow up having reconfigured the microchip of “me” into an external mirror of his indifferent environment. But that doesn’t mean that there is not still a hungry, lonely, vulnerable child in there who has never been attended. No, that child is still in there, but it has become feral, so that now it howls at the moon at night. And that frustration over not being able to get the external world—thought to be an extension of “me”—to cooperate, has grown exponentially over time so that it is now push-button rage. So, there is this cool, calm indifferent exterior flooded internally with this rush and gush of rage that appears as randomly as the world feels to the Bully.
What has happened is that the Bully has found a coping mechanism. One that seems to him, to protect that vulnerable, little, hungry child. But wait just a minute here, not every Bully comes from an indifferent background, right? Right. Some come from homes that seem to be sincerely loving. And it is here that we get our theories that Bullies come from “bad” DNA.
In the previous blog, called “Mr. Guilt,” we talked about how sensitive children can absorb unresolved psychic issues floating around in the home. Well, all children are sensitive, even psychic. Of course, we teach them to get over that, but as small children their sensitivities are finely tuned to the environment, because they are trying to assimilate and distinguish “me” and “not me.” And the line between “me” and “not me” is very thin for infants, toddlers and preschool children. But as we’ve said, the struggle goes on, sometimes for whole lifetimes.
So, if a child grows up in a home with very “nice” parents or primary-caregivers, one or both of whom have unresolved issues of aggression, or unresolved bitterness and frustration that the outer world (the outer “me”) hasn’t cooperated, these can easily be picked up and identified with by vulnerable children. Now add to that the power of projection, and the need for some parents to literally “give” their children their own sense of “wrongness” or “badness” and you have a blooming Bully.
The Bully develops a belief system that no one can be trusted, that the world is a basically indifferent and uncaring place where his needs will never be met. His only resource then is his own ingenuity. He must trick them, before he is tricked. He must beat them at their own game. He must attribute his own aggressive actions to them as cause because that’s just the way “they” (the outer “me”) are. He is always on guard, sleeping with one eye open and his finger on the metaphorical or not-so-metaphorical trigger. There is a very thin veil between the always guarded, hard, steely-eyed exterior and his hair-trigger rage, which seems to appear randomly. Whether his rage takes the form of verbal abuse or goes all the way to serial-killing and genocide, its trigger has to do with that early frustration over not being able to get the world to hear, see and be with his truest, most vulnerable self.
So, what to do, what to do. How can we help the Bully, or do we just need to steer clear of him? Well, first, before we go any further, it should be acknowledged that I have and will continue to refer to the Bully in male terms throughout this article for two reasons: 1) it is easier to write in a single gender; and 2) we all tend to think of the Bully in masculine terms. But the truth is that there are many female Bullies out there. We’ve begun to see them a bit more on TV and in the movies so the concept of the female Bully is occurring to us to a greater and greater degree. She can be just as fierce as the male Bully, but can sometimes get away with her cruelties a bit easier because no one wants to think of a female Bully.
But again, what to do. Well, first like every other helping mechanism, the helpee has to want it. How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Well, six, but the light bulb’s got to want to change. Needing or wanting help is a concept that is extremely difficult for the Bully to recognize for three reasons. The first is that needing and wanting put him in touch with that vulnerable side, a side which is only allowed out into the light of day through rage. The second is that he doesn’t trust that help is really helpful. He has a deep-seated belief that helpers want something, that they have an agenda, that they are out to get something from him, or worse-yet, that they are really just tricking him and have a plan to outright hurt him. The third is that this Bully identity has worked for him for a long time, or so he believes, because it has kept him safe from the cold, cruel world.
So, the first thing we can do to help the Bully is to recognize that he’s probably not looking for help—at least not externally. And the second thing we can do is to be as sincere as we can be in dealing with him. Even though he won’t trust it, he’ll recognize that it’s different from what he is expecting. And the third thing we can do is inform him, through global education, that this way that he is acting, is just that, an act. It isn’t who he really is, and we know it. It is how he’s imagined keeping himself safe, but it isn’t who he really is. Who he really is is yet to be seen. But it has a lot more to do with that vulnerable, little, needy kid inside than it does with this guarded, cold, cruel, machine-like exterior. If Bullies could ever get that one concept, that this thing they are doing over and over again is a mask and costume they put on to survive, then they might begin to recognize another part of themselves.
Of course, the degree of willingness that they are going to have to even sit and listen to such an idea is going to be based on the psychic depth to which the mask and costume goes. Serial killers have done so much to prove to themselves and their worlds that they are bigger and badder than any other big, bad thing that it is going to be extremely difficult for them to even consider any other option. Power has become an addiction at this stage, and the bigger the power the Bully has been able to arrange in his life, the harder is going to be the fall.
That said, it doesn’t mean that we should stop saying it. The more information there is out there about the mask and costume called Bully, the more likely it is that we as a society are going to stop projecting all of our dark urges onto “those bad guys out there.” We only feed the mask and costume, making it bigger and badder, when we do that.
But let me be clear, I am not advocating for the self-sacrifice of the helper either. We cannot deny that the Bully is cruel or that his actions are harmful and even deadly. We don’t need to suffer the illusion that we are going to somehow save them. All salvation is self-salvation. No one saves anyone. Ever. In fact, no one helps anyone either. All help is self-help and all healing is self-healing. These things are all inside jobs.
But I am advocating for education. I am advocating that we be clear that primary care-givers, biological or otherwise, have a hand in this. I am advocating that we get the word out that Bully is a mask we wear, not a bad seed we carry. I am advocating that we take responsibility for our own dark urges instead of projecting them onto our children, or to the “bad guys” of our world. I am advocating that we educate ourselves with the idea that identity is everything. That children need parents who mirror that deep inner Self, attend to it and acknowledge it as real, rather than trying to mold it, or—as is all too often true in the case of the Bully—to dismiss it entirely. And then if, we can get the word out there to enough Bullies, that they are just wearing a self-protective mask, perhaps some, a few, will begin to find that deeper Self and honor it—finally ending the “me”/ “not me” struggle.
Till then, I’m going to keep telling it like it is,
Andrea
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Mr. Guilt
When it comes right down to it, what is the emotion or thought that runs you more than any other? What gets you to do things you don't even want to do? If its guilt, then this article is for you. We'll talk about some of those other motivators in the next several blogs, but today, its guilt.
When something has so much power over you that it can get you to do things that you don't even want to do, it's based on an identification, an "I AM." When I identify with something, I make it a huge part of how I see myself. I look in the mirror and I see that part of me--even if I don't know that I 'm seeing it. It's just absorbed into my character.
For example: I have people come into my office all the time who tell me, "I just put other people first. That's just who I am." Or, they say, "I'm a caring person, that's just the way I am." Or, "I can't help it, I just do it that way." These are all statements that reveal an identification. And I often find that people who identify themselves as caring people are motivated by guilt--not compassion. One way to determine the true motivation behind an identification is to ask some questions, like: "How do you feel that those people you care about are receiving your care?" If guilt is the motivator, you'll get answers like, "Well, I don't really think they fully appreciate it," or "They are just using me." Or you might ask, "How do you feel about all of the things that you've done for others?" If it's guilt, you might get something like: "Oh, I feel good about it," or "It makes me feel good." But if you ask one other question, "What do you mean by feeling good?" you might get: "Well, it makes me feel like a good person." The final question is: "How much resentment do you feel?" Most of the time, if the motivator is guilt, you get lots of head nodding and "Oh, I feel resentment all the time," and sometimes an ensuing tirade about all the sacrifices they have made for others who will not sacrifice back. Or, if denial is present you might get "Oh, I never resent other people, but I really don't understand why I'm surroundeded by people who are so selfish!"
Okay, so let's talk about Mr. Guilt. In the book "Restoring My Soul," I call identifications with Mr. Guilt, the Scapegoat role. The scapegoat role is a sacrificial role, based on the metaphor of the old Hebrew ritual of sacrificing a goat for the sins of a community. The role is based entirely on guilt. Way down deep its guilt for existing. We'll talk about how that happens in a minute, but the bottom line is that scapegoats act in one of two ways a majority of the time. Either they are striving always to be "good" people because inside they feel as if they are "bad" people, or they act like "bad" people because they believe that they are bad. I put the words "good" and "bad" in quotes because these are terms that can only be measured by cultural or familial values. There is no real standard for goodness or badness except that which is set up for us by the culture/family from which we hail. Think about it: If you grow up in a family of bank robbers and killers, it would be considered a good thing to rob and kill. So, the truth is that when we live out the identity of the scapegoat, we are living based on a standard that cannot really be affirmed on a universal basis. This thought alone, sometimes makes the scapegoat stop and think for a moment about whether or not s/he wishes to continue on the same path.
How do we become the scapegoat? Well, the interesting thing about identities is that they are formed so early that we can't remember them. Some would say that we brought them with us across the barriers between life and birth, from another incarnation. I don't dispute that, but the fact is that it must be believed in this life if one is to really continue in it. So, let's look at how that might happen for the scapegoat.
As an infant and toddler, I'm trying to find out who I am. At two months I stare at my hand and begin to assimilate the fact that it is me. Two months later, I pick up a rattle and stick it in my mouth, thinking that if that rattle is in my hand, it is also me. Later I'll learn that the rattle is not me, but the hand is still me. And that me/not me struggle goes on for several years of early childhood. And the me/not me includes emotions floating around unresolved in my home, as well as actions committed by others that I cannot understand any other way but to make them me. For example, if I live in a home where my parents are pretty unconscious and have a lot of unresolved material floating around inside of them, then in my me/not me struggle, I may absorb those unresolved issues and make them mine. This is true particularly if I am a very sensitive child by nature. Then if chaos erupts in my home, and it makes no sense to me, I may just make it me, so that I can tolerate it. If it's me it feels much more manageable than recognizing that it is not me and I can't really do much about it. So, that's a bit on how it happens.
Now, what to do about it. Well first you must begin to tell the story of your guilt. You must begin to see how it weaves and woofs between the threads of all the other stories of your life and recognize its voice and its power. Then you will need to make a decision about whether or not you want to continue to live that way. Then the work begins in earnest. And the work is this: doing what your truest desires lead you to do. As you do that Mr. Guilt will be screaming at you to stop it. But the work is in continuing to do what your desires lead you to do, even as you hear the voice of Mr. Guilt. You can thank him for getting you this far, because he really was a coping mechanism you used to survive, but he's just not working for you anymore. You won't make him an inner enemy, you'll just stop surrendering your life to him.
Of course, this will mean getting in touch with your truest desires, but that's a blog for another day. Till then.
Andrea
When something has so much power over you that it can get you to do things that you don't even want to do, it's based on an identification, an "I AM." When I identify with something, I make it a huge part of how I see myself. I look in the mirror and I see that part of me--even if I don't know that I 'm seeing it. It's just absorbed into my character.
For example: I have people come into my office all the time who tell me, "I just put other people first. That's just who I am." Or, they say, "I'm a caring person, that's just the way I am." Or, "I can't help it, I just do it that way." These are all statements that reveal an identification. And I often find that people who identify themselves as caring people are motivated by guilt--not compassion. One way to determine the true motivation behind an identification is to ask some questions, like: "How do you feel that those people you care about are receiving your care?" If guilt is the motivator, you'll get answers like, "Well, I don't really think they fully appreciate it," or "They are just using me." Or you might ask, "How do you feel about all of the things that you've done for others?" If it's guilt, you might get something like: "Oh, I feel good about it," or "It makes me feel good." But if you ask one other question, "What do you mean by feeling good?" you might get: "Well, it makes me feel like a good person." The final question is: "How much resentment do you feel?" Most of the time, if the motivator is guilt, you get lots of head nodding and "Oh, I feel resentment all the time," and sometimes an ensuing tirade about all the sacrifices they have made for others who will not sacrifice back. Or, if denial is present you might get "Oh, I never resent other people, but I really don't understand why I'm surroundeded by people who are so selfish!"
Okay, so let's talk about Mr. Guilt. In the book "Restoring My Soul," I call identifications with Mr. Guilt, the Scapegoat role. The scapegoat role is a sacrificial role, based on the metaphor of the old Hebrew ritual of sacrificing a goat for the sins of a community. The role is based entirely on guilt. Way down deep its guilt for existing. We'll talk about how that happens in a minute, but the bottom line is that scapegoats act in one of two ways a majority of the time. Either they are striving always to be "good" people because inside they feel as if they are "bad" people, or they act like "bad" people because they believe that they are bad. I put the words "good" and "bad" in quotes because these are terms that can only be measured by cultural or familial values. There is no real standard for goodness or badness except that which is set up for us by the culture/family from which we hail. Think about it: If you grow up in a family of bank robbers and killers, it would be considered a good thing to rob and kill. So, the truth is that when we live out the identity of the scapegoat, we are living based on a standard that cannot really be affirmed on a universal basis. This thought alone, sometimes makes the scapegoat stop and think for a moment about whether or not s/he wishes to continue on the same path.
How do we become the scapegoat? Well, the interesting thing about identities is that they are formed so early that we can't remember them. Some would say that we brought them with us across the barriers between life and birth, from another incarnation. I don't dispute that, but the fact is that it must be believed in this life if one is to really continue in it. So, let's look at how that might happen for the scapegoat.
As an infant and toddler, I'm trying to find out who I am. At two months I stare at my hand and begin to assimilate the fact that it is me. Two months later, I pick up a rattle and stick it in my mouth, thinking that if that rattle is in my hand, it is also me. Later I'll learn that the rattle is not me, but the hand is still me. And that me/not me struggle goes on for several years of early childhood. And the me/not me includes emotions floating around unresolved in my home, as well as actions committed by others that I cannot understand any other way but to make them me. For example, if I live in a home where my parents are pretty unconscious and have a lot of unresolved material floating around inside of them, then in my me/not me struggle, I may absorb those unresolved issues and make them mine. This is true particularly if I am a very sensitive child by nature. Then if chaos erupts in my home, and it makes no sense to me, I may just make it me, so that I can tolerate it. If it's me it feels much more manageable than recognizing that it is not me and I can't really do much about it. So, that's a bit on how it happens.
Now, what to do about it. Well first you must begin to tell the story of your guilt. You must begin to see how it weaves and woofs between the threads of all the other stories of your life and recognize its voice and its power. Then you will need to make a decision about whether or not you want to continue to live that way. Then the work begins in earnest. And the work is this: doing what your truest desires lead you to do. As you do that Mr. Guilt will be screaming at you to stop it. But the work is in continuing to do what your desires lead you to do, even as you hear the voice of Mr. Guilt. You can thank him for getting you this far, because he really was a coping mechanism you used to survive, but he's just not working for you anymore. You won't make him an inner enemy, you'll just stop surrendering your life to him.
Of course, this will mean getting in touch with your truest desires, but that's a blog for another day. Till then.
Andrea
Monday, September 14, 2009
Thriving Beyond Sexual Trauma
The Authentic Living show: [http://www.modavox.com/voiceamerica/vshow.aspex?sid=1304] will interview Melissa Bradley, M.S., NCC, B.C.E.T.S. F.A.A.E.T.S, [http://www.omnibuswellness.org/] on September 16, 2009. Missy is an expert on sexual trauma who has taught more the 50,000 professionals how to help survivors of sexual trauma to not only survive, but to thrive. When I sent out my announcement for this show, I got back a note from one supposedly enlightened individual, who said, “Give it a rest—the 90s are over.” Not only was his comment extremely insensitive to the countless individuals who are currently dealing with the symptoms created by a sexual trauma of some type, but it was quite un-enlightened—lacking in insight and compassion.
That said, the truth is that we’ve come a long way, since the 90s, with regard to the possibilities for those who have been sexually traumatized—raped, molested or inappropriately touched, or forced to inappropriately touch another. I remember a time when other therapists literally said to me, “Well you know, when you get a survivor in your caseload, they’ll be there forever.” I am ashamed to say that we therapists perpetuated a belief that survivors of sexual trauma could not ever get beyond it. In fact, for a while, the mental health field in general perpetuated the belief that survivors of sexual trauma were damaged—thus perpetuating their belief that they could never really enjoy a fulfilling life. I, like other practitioners, was trained to believe that, in order to heal, survivors would have to go back into the past, relive the traumas and become familiar enough with that territory to move past it.
However, I have to say, that training never really “took” with me. Nor did the belief that survivors were damaged and could not get beyond their traumas. In the over 15 years, since I heard another therapist make that comment about survivors staying in your caseload forever, I’ve seen hundreds of survivors, no, thrivers move WELL beyond my caseload. And they didn’t do it by halting their present day life, circling the wagons and launching backwards into the past to re-experience their traumas. They did it by discovering the roles, self-messages and identifications they took on in response to those traumas and finding the Authentic Self underneath all of that. In fact, I found that those people who spent months, and even years, trying to find and relive all of those memories, re-identified with those traumas in ways that held them back, even kept them tied to their traumas. They began to see themselves as victims, though they called themselves survivors. They could not understand why it was that they continued to experience Posttraumatic Stress nightmares and flashbacks months and even years after they’d begun to uncover those memories. They went to groups where the traumas were repeated and repeated, all to no avail. They told their secrets and confronted their perpetrators, but they never really got better. Why? Because they were still living in the past, or trying to undo it in the present.
Often I found that survivors who came to therapy for their initial assessment would say something like “Do I have to tell you all about what happened again?” Some had been in therapy for years, repeating and repeating their history but were still stuck in the past. They reported that they simply did not want yet another therapist who would make them relive the past. I assured them that they would not have to relive the past. They were often quite relieved to hear that, and then began to tell me all of the emotional responses, self-messages and frustrating relationships of the present that clearly demonstrated that they were stuck living out a role, wearing a mask and costume that they’d donned in order to survive, but which was no longer helping them survive. In fact, it was sucking the wind out of their sails.
In order to come to a place in which one is no longer simply surviving the past one drags around like a ball and chain, one must do more than just revisit and relive that past. The chains are made of self-messages, emotional and behavioral responses, and thoughts that become mantras, which continue to hypnotize them into the same old same old. They may find a different way of saying and doing the same old things, but they are still saying, doing, thinking and feeling the same old thing. The ball is made up of the events and people involved in the events of those traumas. In fact, the best that such a person can be is a survivor of sexual trauma.
But there is more, much, much more to living than just surviving anything. And in order to live, to really live, we have to resurrect the Authentic Self. My Authentic Self has beliefs about me that my mask and costume disavows. My Authentic Self has desires that my role has thwarted in the name of survival. My Authentic Self has ways of behaving and interacting that are much more genuine than that same old dance step with which I have long ago become totally bored. And the Authentic Self’s behaviors are actually effective. They have a tendency to get me what I want and need. They are much more believable than the roles I’ve played trying to survive. And though I may need to take some risks to implement these genuine behaviors and ideas, if I walk through the fear, I will find myself, my JOYOUS SELF on the other side of that tunnel.
The next few blogs will tell you more about these roles and how you can move beyond them. But I have to say, the good news about the Authentic Self and your potential for JOY is not just for survivors of sexual trauma. It’s for everyone. So, keep reading. And if you’d like a workbook that will actually help you do the work of finding and living the authentic self, go to http://www.andreamathewslpc.com/ and order the book, "Restoring My Soul," today.
That said, the truth is that we’ve come a long way, since the 90s, with regard to the possibilities for those who have been sexually traumatized—raped, molested or inappropriately touched, or forced to inappropriately touch another. I remember a time when other therapists literally said to me, “Well you know, when you get a survivor in your caseload, they’ll be there forever.” I am ashamed to say that we therapists perpetuated a belief that survivors of sexual trauma could not ever get beyond it. In fact, for a while, the mental health field in general perpetuated the belief that survivors of sexual trauma were damaged—thus perpetuating their belief that they could never really enjoy a fulfilling life. I, like other practitioners, was trained to believe that, in order to heal, survivors would have to go back into the past, relive the traumas and become familiar enough with that territory to move past it.
However, I have to say, that training never really “took” with me. Nor did the belief that survivors were damaged and could not get beyond their traumas. In the over 15 years, since I heard another therapist make that comment about survivors staying in your caseload forever, I’ve seen hundreds of survivors, no, thrivers move WELL beyond my caseload. And they didn’t do it by halting their present day life, circling the wagons and launching backwards into the past to re-experience their traumas. They did it by discovering the roles, self-messages and identifications they took on in response to those traumas and finding the Authentic Self underneath all of that. In fact, I found that those people who spent months, and even years, trying to find and relive all of those memories, re-identified with those traumas in ways that held them back, even kept them tied to their traumas. They began to see themselves as victims, though they called themselves survivors. They could not understand why it was that they continued to experience Posttraumatic Stress nightmares and flashbacks months and even years after they’d begun to uncover those memories. They went to groups where the traumas were repeated and repeated, all to no avail. They told their secrets and confronted their perpetrators, but they never really got better. Why? Because they were still living in the past, or trying to undo it in the present.
Often I found that survivors who came to therapy for their initial assessment would say something like “Do I have to tell you all about what happened again?” Some had been in therapy for years, repeating and repeating their history but were still stuck in the past. They reported that they simply did not want yet another therapist who would make them relive the past. I assured them that they would not have to relive the past. They were often quite relieved to hear that, and then began to tell me all of the emotional responses, self-messages and frustrating relationships of the present that clearly demonstrated that they were stuck living out a role, wearing a mask and costume that they’d donned in order to survive, but which was no longer helping them survive. In fact, it was sucking the wind out of their sails.
In order to come to a place in which one is no longer simply surviving the past one drags around like a ball and chain, one must do more than just revisit and relive that past. The chains are made of self-messages, emotional and behavioral responses, and thoughts that become mantras, which continue to hypnotize them into the same old same old. They may find a different way of saying and doing the same old things, but they are still saying, doing, thinking and feeling the same old thing. The ball is made up of the events and people involved in the events of those traumas. In fact, the best that such a person can be is a survivor of sexual trauma.
But there is more, much, much more to living than just surviving anything. And in order to live, to really live, we have to resurrect the Authentic Self. My Authentic Self has beliefs about me that my mask and costume disavows. My Authentic Self has desires that my role has thwarted in the name of survival. My Authentic Self has ways of behaving and interacting that are much more genuine than that same old dance step with which I have long ago become totally bored. And the Authentic Self’s behaviors are actually effective. They have a tendency to get me what I want and need. They are much more believable than the roles I’ve played trying to survive. And though I may need to take some risks to implement these genuine behaviors and ideas, if I walk through the fear, I will find myself, my JOYOUS SELF on the other side of that tunnel.
The next few blogs will tell you more about these roles and how you can move beyond them. But I have to say, the good news about the Authentic Self and your potential for JOY is not just for survivors of sexual trauma. It’s for everyone. So, keep reading. And if you’d like a workbook that will actually help you do the work of finding and living the authentic self, go to http://www.andreamathewslpc.com/ and order the book, "Restoring My Soul," today.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Resilience
August 31, 2009: I spent a considerable part of the weekend of Ted Kennedy's funeral reading Joan Borysenko's latest book, "It's not the end of the World: Developing Resilience in Times of Change" and listening to and watching Senator Kennedy's Memorial and Funeral Services. What struck me most clearly was that this is a man who potently represents the power of resilience. Here is a man whose failings were so public that it's almost embarrassing to watch him struggle, more than once, to tell us of his failings. But tell us he did, and took complete responsibility! But here's the key: in spite of his failings, perhaps even BECAUSE of them, and in spite of or because of his steady stream of life tragedies, this man was able to continue to passionately live his life's purpose. In so doing, he became legendary. And the stories of his legend warm the heart and fill the mind with the poignant power of his message of love. The man simply learned how to love. And he just did it and did it and did it, until the day of his death.
He offers us all a major lesson in how to LIVE. You look life square in the face, you take responsibility for ALL of your own choices and you go deeper and deeper into your soul's purpose and longing. Then you give yourself over to it and give and give and give. That is all. But for those of you looking for a more in-depth explanation of resilience--there's always Joan's book.
Perhaps it is true that what Teddy saw as his "sins" forced him to go deeper into himself. Perhaps it was the tragedies, the assassination of not one but two brothers to whom he was very close, his son's bone cancer, the death of his dear nephew and wife in an airplane crash--and that's just to name a few. They say that much is lost by those of whom much is demanded. And Ted Kennedy fits the bill--on both sides of that equation. Nothing stopped him from becoming the loving and wise man he became, from standing in the breach between the left and the right and looking beyond both of them to the rights and needs of those he served. Was he a liberal? Yes, and if that offends you, just slip past that for a moment and look at the fact that he was able to put his mark on 1000 passed bills 300 of which he wrote himself. Look past that and listen to the stories told by his children, nieces and nephews of the enormous heart of this baby-of-the-family who became, in his brothers' places, the patriarch of the family. Listen to the song written for him by his conservative, Mormon Republican friend, Orrin Hatch, as well as his poignant stories about the depth and humor of their relationship. Look past yourself and your own opinions for just a moment to see this clear example of resilience.
Regardless of your political persuasion, a good read of the history of Ted Kennedy can offer you a recent historical example of resilience. As Dr. Borysenko says in her book, though some are born resilient, we can also develop it. The hardest part of any tragedy is not the events themselves, but how we respond to them. The hardest part of looking at our own faults and foibles is in considering and changing what we ourselves think of them. No tragedy, no fault can keep us from a happy, fulfilling life if we will learn the art of resilience.
-------------------
He offers us all a major lesson in how to LIVE. You look life square in the face, you take responsibility for ALL of your own choices and you go deeper and deeper into your soul's purpose and longing. Then you give yourself over to it and give and give and give. That is all. But for those of you looking for a more in-depth explanation of resilience--there's always Joan's book.
Perhaps it is true that what Teddy saw as his "sins" forced him to go deeper into himself. Perhaps it was the tragedies, the assassination of not one but two brothers to whom he was very close, his son's bone cancer, the death of his dear nephew and wife in an airplane crash--and that's just to name a few. They say that much is lost by those of whom much is demanded. And Ted Kennedy fits the bill--on both sides of that equation. Nothing stopped him from becoming the loving and wise man he became, from standing in the breach between the left and the right and looking beyond both of them to the rights and needs of those he served. Was he a liberal? Yes, and if that offends you, just slip past that for a moment and look at the fact that he was able to put his mark on 1000 passed bills 300 of which he wrote himself. Look past that and listen to the stories told by his children, nieces and nephews of the enormous heart of this baby-of-the-family who became, in his brothers' places, the patriarch of the family. Listen to the song written for him by his conservative, Mormon Republican friend, Orrin Hatch, as well as his poignant stories about the depth and humor of their relationship. Look past yourself and your own opinions for just a moment to see this clear example of resilience.
Regardless of your political persuasion, a good read of the history of Ted Kennedy can offer you a recent historical example of resilience. As Dr. Borysenko says in her book, though some are born resilient, we can also develop it. The hardest part of any tragedy is not the events themselves, but how we respond to them. The hardest part of looking at our own faults and foibles is in considering and changing what we ourselves think of them. No tragedy, no fault can keep us from a happy, fulfilling life if we will learn the art of resilience.
-------------------
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
