So, what is it like, in a practical sense, to live an authentic life? Living authentically is living inside out. It is living as if the source of everything is within. We've been taught just the opposite. We've been taught to believe that the source of all of our needs and desires is outside of us and we must work, strive and struggle to achieve or obtain it. We work hard for the money. We work hard to gain the power. We work, compromise and sacrifice for relationships. We work to learn all of the appropriate ways of interacting with others, so that we will gain social status, prestige or just a sense of belonging. All of these things are external goals, which we've been taught are worthy of attainment. These things, once achieved, will bring us peace of mind and happiness.
But living authentically means just the opposite. No, it doesn't mean that we forgo all of these desires and learn to live on a rarefied plane of existence in which we are not interested in any of these "worldly" things. It means that instead of seeking these external things as the source of our happiness and peace of mind, instead we go within and live from there. We find all of the resources we need, all of the peace, all of the joy, all of the love, within. And once we have found it within, then we can carry what we have received within, out into the external world.
This means that instead of striving for external rewards, we "cease striving" by coming to know our own I AM. So, we are not reacting to the external as if it were the basis for our survival; we are responding to internal messages, stimuli and urgings--because they truly are the basis for more than survival. These internal messages, urgings and stimuli are leading us to LIFE. Not survival--Life.
So, in a given day, as you waken and get up to brush your teeth, you are not stressing over whether or not you'll get to work on time, and planning out your day based on the agenda of "what ifs" and fears. Rather, you are looking within, remembering your dreams, dialoguing with yourself to learn of the secret meanings behind the images in your dreams. And as you get into the routine of your day, you are not living with fear in the pit of your stomach all day, as you speed through trying to meet deadlines and please others, who seem to have the power to control at least your happiness, if not your entire well-being. Rather, you are "coming from" within, so that your actions are driven by a deep inner base of peace. You are doing the things that come from that peace. You are creating the opportunities for yourself and others that come from that peace. As you interact with others, you are not reacting based on trying to please them, control them, appease them, save them, fix them or otherwise externalize your sense of mission. Rather, you are responding to them from that deep inner place of peace and joy within you, so that your words, body language and choices are led by that inner structure of peace, joy and love.
We've spent whole lifetimes outsourcing our happiness. But it isn't out there. It is within. And not just within for 15-30 minutes a day as we meditate and then forget all about it. Within is without, when we are living authentically.
This means that we do not attract from the outside in, as our current understanding of the law of attraction implies. In fact, we are challenged to go much deeper and live much higher, from the true law of attraction. And what we attract is much bigger, much wider, much deeper than our current understanding implies.
This is why I wrote the book, soon to be published by O Books, and currently titled "The Law of Attraction: The Unadulterated Truth About Why it isn't Working and How it Can." While it doesn't debunk the law of attraction, what it does do is completely revise our understanding of it. So, stay tuned, that book will be coming out in the summer or fall of 2011.
Until then, look within. Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to give birth to your Self.
Love,
Andrea.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Under it All
Okay, so you’ve figured out that you have been wearing a mask and costume for a huge part of your life. Now what? Well, the first thing that most of us do is feel really stupid or at least regretful, even guilty. But actually, we owe the mask and costume a debt of gratitude. In fact, it was the authentic Self that advised us to put on the mask and costume and act out the role in the first place. Wise old soul that it is, the authentic Self knew that that particular mask and costume would work with this particular personality, in this particular family system, to keep us alive—and not only alive physically, but sometimes keep us just awake enough to get to the place at which we have arrived today. If we look back at our own peculiar family system and get in touch with what we have done to cope with it, we might have to just congratulate ourselves for having been so smart as to choose that particular role.
Have you ever seen the branch of a tree grow all funky, taking a hard right angle turn from its trunk and then a few feet later taking another hard right angle turn straight up to the sky? I call these bench trees, because it looks like the tree has grown a bench for me to sit on—especially since the branches that grow funky like this are usually down low. As we know, what is happening is that the branch has been blocked from sunlight by another tree or some other object, and it has “decided” to go after the sun. So it reaches out to the side, finds the sun and then grows toward it. But it was the roots of the tree that sent a plant-message to the branch to keep living, to seek the sun, to do whatever it had to do to stay alive.
That is exactly what we have done in putting on the mask and costume and in acting out its role. We have found a way to get around the shadow of someone else’s choices and grow toward the sun anyway. From that perspective then, there is nothing to regret about the role itself. Certainly, we may have acted in ways for which we might later wish to make amends. But the role itself was important, even necessary.
Having said that, however, if we have come this far, we have probably realized that the roles were meant to be temporary. Once we arrive at adulthood, we have survived and we no longer need the roles to stay alive. We have moved fully into the sunlight now. So it is that when crisis or even happy changes occur in our lives, we find that we are being called by our authenticity to get more real, to take off the mask and costume, to care for ourselves in ways we have not previously allowed. Yet we have so identified with the mask and costume that it is easy to be completely deaf to that tiny calling voice within or to dismiss it if we do hear it.
But now, if we have done the work of recognizing the roles we’ve played and the masks and costumes with which we have identified, we know that these roles have kept us stuck in ineffective behaviors, thoughts, attitudes and emotions; that they have left us stuck in bad relationships and awful jobs. From this perspective we can clearly see the pattern and why it isn’t working. So, what now?
First, we can know this: the perspective we now have on our lives has come from the clear vision of the authentic Self. When we stand back in the observer mode and can see clearly the roles we have played in our lives, we automatically fall back into authenticity. Second, now that we can see the role and recognize at least some of the thoughts and feelings that come as a result of the belief system of the role, we can also see that there are thoughts, feelings and beliefs that are different from these.
The work here then is to spend more and more time every day in full awareness of the authentic Self. We can begin by getting more and more in touch with the beliefs that are coming from the authentic Self. One can see these clearly through the dissenting voices within. If, for example, I say that I believe that no one cares about me, but as I look back over my life, I can see clearly that I have rebuffed the attentions of many people who would probably have loved to care about me, then I might have to question that belief. If I believe that I should continue to stay in a job that I hate in order to provide for my family, yet I have this daily nagging longing to be doing another job that feels so much more true to who I am, then my belief is being challenged by that longing. I might have to realize that this job is not the only way to provide for my family. I might have to change beliefs that come from generations of familial dogma about gender roles. Or I might have to change beliefs that tell me that provision means affluence.
This is just one example of many of the ways that we can begin practicing a daily connection with the authentic Self, about which we will be saying much more as we go. This change process is not necessarily easy, but it is not necessarily hard either. It can be a lot of fun. But it can also be quite painful. Still, making a commitment to being authentic is a life choice that has everything to do with LIFE. That life force that is the roots of your tree is also now at the helm of your ship.
Over the next several blogs we will talk about the variant ways in which the authentic Self can guide that ship back home.
Have you ever seen the branch of a tree grow all funky, taking a hard right angle turn from its trunk and then a few feet later taking another hard right angle turn straight up to the sky? I call these bench trees, because it looks like the tree has grown a bench for me to sit on—especially since the branches that grow funky like this are usually down low. As we know, what is happening is that the branch has been blocked from sunlight by another tree or some other object, and it has “decided” to go after the sun. So it reaches out to the side, finds the sun and then grows toward it. But it was the roots of the tree that sent a plant-message to the branch to keep living, to seek the sun, to do whatever it had to do to stay alive.
That is exactly what we have done in putting on the mask and costume and in acting out its role. We have found a way to get around the shadow of someone else’s choices and grow toward the sun anyway. From that perspective then, there is nothing to regret about the role itself. Certainly, we may have acted in ways for which we might later wish to make amends. But the role itself was important, even necessary.
Having said that, however, if we have come this far, we have probably realized that the roles were meant to be temporary. Once we arrive at adulthood, we have survived and we no longer need the roles to stay alive. We have moved fully into the sunlight now. So it is that when crisis or even happy changes occur in our lives, we find that we are being called by our authenticity to get more real, to take off the mask and costume, to care for ourselves in ways we have not previously allowed. Yet we have so identified with the mask and costume that it is easy to be completely deaf to that tiny calling voice within or to dismiss it if we do hear it.
But now, if we have done the work of recognizing the roles we’ve played and the masks and costumes with which we have identified, we know that these roles have kept us stuck in ineffective behaviors, thoughts, attitudes and emotions; that they have left us stuck in bad relationships and awful jobs. From this perspective we can clearly see the pattern and why it isn’t working. So, what now?
First, we can know this: the perspective we now have on our lives has come from the clear vision of the authentic Self. When we stand back in the observer mode and can see clearly the roles we have played in our lives, we automatically fall back into authenticity. Second, now that we can see the role and recognize at least some of the thoughts and feelings that come as a result of the belief system of the role, we can also see that there are thoughts, feelings and beliefs that are different from these.
The work here then is to spend more and more time every day in full awareness of the authentic Self. We can begin by getting more and more in touch with the beliefs that are coming from the authentic Self. One can see these clearly through the dissenting voices within. If, for example, I say that I believe that no one cares about me, but as I look back over my life, I can see clearly that I have rebuffed the attentions of many people who would probably have loved to care about me, then I might have to question that belief. If I believe that I should continue to stay in a job that I hate in order to provide for my family, yet I have this daily nagging longing to be doing another job that feels so much more true to who I am, then my belief is being challenged by that longing. I might have to realize that this job is not the only way to provide for my family. I might have to change beliefs that come from generations of familial dogma about gender roles. Or I might have to change beliefs that tell me that provision means affluence.
This is just one example of many of the ways that we can begin practicing a daily connection with the authentic Self, about which we will be saying much more as we go. This change process is not necessarily easy, but it is not necessarily hard either. It can be a lot of fun. But it can also be quite painful. Still, making a commitment to being authentic is a life choice that has everything to do with LIFE. That life force that is the roots of your tree is also now at the helm of your ship.
Over the next several blogs we will talk about the variant ways in which the authentic Self can guide that ship back home.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Blacky
In an earlier blog we talked about Mr. Guilt, as the scapegoat in the family of origin. In my book, Restoring My Soul: A Workbook for Finding and Living the Authentic Self, you'll find that the scapegoat role is divided into two very opposite sides of a coin. On the one side was Mr. Guilt, the Scapegoat Priest--as I refer to it in the book. On the other, was the Scapegoat Black Sheep. Mr. Guilt, or the Priest, is living out the role of someone who is always feeling guilty and responsible for the needs and lives of other people. He becomes, more or less, a people pleaser--one whose life is bent around the needs, even the manipulations of others. But the Black Sheep lives on the other side of that coin. Blacky has, like Mr. Guilt, incorporated guilt early, and identified with it. By identifying with guilt we believe ourselves to BE guilt. The only way to BE guilt is to feel intense shame. There are two ways to deal with such a feeling--either you try hard to erase it, or you live it out as if it were the entire truth of you.
Mr. Guilt tries hard to erase that feeling by being very, very "good." Blacky, on the other hand, lives out that guilt and shame. He can find no "good" in himself and can, therefore, not find it in anyone else. He does not believe that anyone has his best interest at heart. In fact, it is possible that this has been his literal experience. He may have been neglected and/or abused by primary caregivers. And he finds it hard, if not impossible to trust anyone else.
Blacky is so identified with the concept of "badness" that she cannot imagine that any genuineness exists on the planet. Her actions are, therefore, guarded at best, and at worst, downright mean. She's the friend who steals your boyfriend in high school, who spreads malicious rumors about you, and who calls out cruel names when you succeed at something.
He can be quite charming, if he needs something from you, but he knows what he's doing. And when he's won you over, he'll think just that much less of you. It's only those who cannot be won whom he respects, but that respect does not equate to trust. Rather, he'll watch these people like a hawk, and if he can't find a way in, he'll stay just far enough out to keep watching.
She's having sex earlier than most and sees it as a form of manipulation and/or yet another way of demonstrating that she's unworthy of real intimacy. She's also doing drugs earlier than most because there's simply not any other way to cope with a world in which she sees herself as shame and her world as completely untrustworthy.
This is not a gender-specific role, so the above descriptions could easily be given to the opposite gender. But the point is that Blacky starts "getting into trouble” young. He's been going to the principal's office for years and she's been cheating on her tests and finding little ways to insult and hurt herself and others for the same length of time.
But, unlike the Bully, the Black Sheep gets some sense of justice each time she or he gets caught. The Bully feels much less remorse, though she or he may or may not carry the diagnosis of the psychopath. Still, even though the Black Sheep may feel some remorse, it does not necessarily bring him to self-correction or even contrition. Rather the Black Sheep simply feels a bit less shame each time he is caught.
The Bully identity is built fully on lack of trust in the world--however small or large that world may be. The Black Sheep identity, on the other hand, is built on guilt and shame. But the faces can look very similar--until they are caught. Then you will see the Black Sheep settle into a quiet kind of peace, whereas the Bully will feel compelled to fight harder against a world that looks like it has betrayed him yet again.
The internal messages of the Black Sheep have to do with worthlessness, such as:
No one good would put up with me.
No one could ever really love me.
I'm out of control.
I don't know why I do the things I do.
I'm just bad to the bone.
It's all a joke anyway.
Don't trust anyone, anytime.
I am evil.
As an adult Blacky gets fired often, drops out of projects easily, demonstrates a low tolerance for frustration, breaks promises frequently, gets involved in illicit activities, and may become addicted (though any of the masks and costumes could become addicted). The Black Sheep mocks custom, privilege, rank, title and authority. Yet, others can sometimes be put up on an enormous pedestal. The pedestal is reserved for certain people he needs to hold in high esteem in order to maintain his own "badness," for you see, "badness" needs "goodness" in order to judge itself bad.
In order for the Black Sheep to develop an awareness of authenticity, she has to run into an immovable force. These are hard to find, because, believe it or not, the Black Sheep can actually be deeply loved by significant others—and they tend to let her get away with murder. Very often the Black Sheep will begin the shift to the authentic Self by swinging first to the other polarity--goodness. This is the prison inmate whose immovable force was jail, who suddenly "gets religion" and begins to do all manner of "good" deeds for others in order to identify now with that other side. If there's room for it, however, the Black Sheep can begin to see that neither being extra "good" or extra "bad" are working to make her happy. And that very unhappiness is a message from the authentic Self to try something different.
It's not the middle of the road that saves the Black Sheep, however, it's getting off the see-saw of "good" and "bad" all together. The paradigm must completely change from measuring oneself by one's supposed goodness or badness, to learning to walk the inner terrain long enough to find what is real. Goodness and badness are largely cultural concepts that are incorporated into our sense of ourselves when we are very young and our parents tell us, verbally or nonverbally, that we are bad and to be good. We don't need these concepts to develop ethical, compassionate responses. We only need our truest hearts and minds. But we keep ourselves from our truest hearts and minds by working hard to maintain a mask and costume.
So for Blacky the path is going to have to do with starting to look within to find what is true and false, rather than looking without to try to measure up to either good or bad. When he begins that process he will begin to act out of the truth he finds within, thus building trust in himself. It's definitely a journey worth taking. Striving to be good in order to avoid a shameful sense of self is not a peaceful life stance, nor is identifying with bad. But looking within to find the truth of your essence offers peace and an end to the mask and costume and very often, a whole new life.
I wish it for every Black Sheep,
Love and Peace,
Andrea
Mr. Guilt tries hard to erase that feeling by being very, very "good." Blacky, on the other hand, lives out that guilt and shame. He can find no "good" in himself and can, therefore, not find it in anyone else. He does not believe that anyone has his best interest at heart. In fact, it is possible that this has been his literal experience. He may have been neglected and/or abused by primary caregivers. And he finds it hard, if not impossible to trust anyone else.
Blacky is so identified with the concept of "badness" that she cannot imagine that any genuineness exists on the planet. Her actions are, therefore, guarded at best, and at worst, downright mean. She's the friend who steals your boyfriend in high school, who spreads malicious rumors about you, and who calls out cruel names when you succeed at something.
He can be quite charming, if he needs something from you, but he knows what he's doing. And when he's won you over, he'll think just that much less of you. It's only those who cannot be won whom he respects, but that respect does not equate to trust. Rather, he'll watch these people like a hawk, and if he can't find a way in, he'll stay just far enough out to keep watching.
She's having sex earlier than most and sees it as a form of manipulation and/or yet another way of demonstrating that she's unworthy of real intimacy. She's also doing drugs earlier than most because there's simply not any other way to cope with a world in which she sees herself as shame and her world as completely untrustworthy.
This is not a gender-specific role, so the above descriptions could easily be given to the opposite gender. But the point is that Blacky starts "getting into trouble” young. He's been going to the principal's office for years and she's been cheating on her tests and finding little ways to insult and hurt herself and others for the same length of time.
But, unlike the Bully, the Black Sheep gets some sense of justice each time she or he gets caught. The Bully feels much less remorse, though she or he may or may not carry the diagnosis of the psychopath. Still, even though the Black Sheep may feel some remorse, it does not necessarily bring him to self-correction or even contrition. Rather the Black Sheep simply feels a bit less shame each time he is caught.
The Bully identity is built fully on lack of trust in the world--however small or large that world may be. The Black Sheep identity, on the other hand, is built on guilt and shame. But the faces can look very similar--until they are caught. Then you will see the Black Sheep settle into a quiet kind of peace, whereas the Bully will feel compelled to fight harder against a world that looks like it has betrayed him yet again.
The internal messages of the Black Sheep have to do with worthlessness, such as:
No one good would put up with me.
No one could ever really love me.
I'm out of control.
I don't know why I do the things I do.
I'm just bad to the bone.
It's all a joke anyway.
Don't trust anyone, anytime.
I am evil.
As an adult Blacky gets fired often, drops out of projects easily, demonstrates a low tolerance for frustration, breaks promises frequently, gets involved in illicit activities, and may become addicted (though any of the masks and costumes could become addicted). The Black Sheep mocks custom, privilege, rank, title and authority. Yet, others can sometimes be put up on an enormous pedestal. The pedestal is reserved for certain people he needs to hold in high esteem in order to maintain his own "badness," for you see, "badness" needs "goodness" in order to judge itself bad.
In order for the Black Sheep to develop an awareness of authenticity, she has to run into an immovable force. These are hard to find, because, believe it or not, the Black Sheep can actually be deeply loved by significant others—and they tend to let her get away with murder. Very often the Black Sheep will begin the shift to the authentic Self by swinging first to the other polarity--goodness. This is the prison inmate whose immovable force was jail, who suddenly "gets religion" and begins to do all manner of "good" deeds for others in order to identify now with that other side. If there's room for it, however, the Black Sheep can begin to see that neither being extra "good" or extra "bad" are working to make her happy. And that very unhappiness is a message from the authentic Self to try something different.
It's not the middle of the road that saves the Black Sheep, however, it's getting off the see-saw of "good" and "bad" all together. The paradigm must completely change from measuring oneself by one's supposed goodness or badness, to learning to walk the inner terrain long enough to find what is real. Goodness and badness are largely cultural concepts that are incorporated into our sense of ourselves when we are very young and our parents tell us, verbally or nonverbally, that we are bad and to be good. We don't need these concepts to develop ethical, compassionate responses. We only need our truest hearts and minds. But we keep ourselves from our truest hearts and minds by working hard to maintain a mask and costume.
So for Blacky the path is going to have to do with starting to look within to find what is true and false, rather than looking without to try to measure up to either good or bad. When he begins that process he will begin to act out of the truth he finds within, thus building trust in himself. It's definitely a journey worth taking. Striving to be good in order to avoid a shameful sense of self is not a peaceful life stance, nor is identifying with bad. But looking within to find the truth of your essence offers peace and an end to the mask and costume and very often, a whole new life.
I wish it for every Black Sheep,
Love and Peace,
Andrea
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Who You Gonna Call?
Can you hear the music? That march tempo that says there’s a hero in the room? Problem is, they forgot to play it for Grandma when she washed your clothes, bailed you out of jail and paid off your debts.
Truth is, there is no music, not really, but the superhero hears it constantly. Who you gonna call? There’s one in every neighborhood and family. The primary enabler, the one with the time, the energy and the fortitude to just keep giving, and giving and giving. Yep, just like the Energizer Bunny.
Superhero must feel needed to justify his life. He is quite right about most everything and can appear to be very self-confident—as long as he is rescuing others. It gives him a certain feeling of control and that feeling is what he seeks when he rescues you. He is often found in relationships with others who need constant rescue. And he may even have picked a career that matches his need to rescue.
Superheros thrive on chaos. You might even say she’s a trauma junky. She knows what to do when someone needs rescuing, but could be quite uncertain about what to do about her own life. She seems to light up when someone she knows needs to be rescued. In fact, she may feel bored, lonely, even lost and abandoned when there is no one around who needs to be rescued.
There may have been a single traumatic incident or a slow drip of chaos and trauma in the early upbringing of the superhero. Superheros either fantasized about being able to rescue certain beloved and significant people in their lives or they were actually appointed as the rescuers for those significant others. Either way, when they don the garb of the rescuer and the music starts playing, there is no talking them out of this role. In extreme cases, even when all their money is gone and they are so exhausted that they are literally hospitalized, their only thought is for those they need to rescue.
There are some perks in playing the superhero role. You don’t have to feel your own pain when you are busy with the pain of others. And there is definitely a perception of power and strength conveyed to others, a perception that draws victims to superheros like an aphrodisiac.
But the truth is that for the superhero, the urge to rescue is just as compulsive as is the need to drink to the alcoholic. It is so compulsive because behind the peaceful, strong façade, there is a terrified little child waiting to be rescued. But that child will remain abandoned as long as the rescuer is rescuing others.
Superheros don’t really like the idea of therapy for themselves, so if they ever get there, it’s because they want to know how to rescue better. They will, if allowed, spend the entire hour talking about the person they want to rescue. It is very difficult for superheros to think about themselves at all, much less talk about themselves. If they think about themselves they might find that lost little child inside and we just can’t have that.
But every now and then superheros come to therapy because they are totally exhausted and in pain. Sometimes they are even angry at the person they’ve been trying to rescue for so long, who just won’t stay rescued. And then, they are more open to learning how it is that the person they want rescued has a right to burn up their lives any way they choose. And they might even begin to see how they donned the superhero costume in the first place. Their anger, in this case, might become their very best friend as they channel it into making choices to take care of themselves instead of actually interfering in the lives of others and calling it rescuing. More than that, they will learn how to say no to the myriad people who are using them.
However, those myriads may be just a tad bit angry themselves when Superhero starts saying “no.” They may up the ante by manipulating better than ever before; they may even try things like suicide. So, superheros are going to have to be ready for the onslaught before they make the announcement that they’ve retired from rescuing. This means they are going to need to get a great deal of personal clarity before they make it crystal clear to others.
Sometimes attending ALANON helps superheros to gain that kind of clarity. I recommend it frequently, even when the person that the superhero is trying to rescue is not an alcoholic or addict. The subject matter is the same.
More than anything else superheros are going to have to understand the secondary gains they received from playing this role. A secondary gain is an advantage obtained surreptitiously through behavior that belies the need for that advantage. Understanding these gains means that superheros begin to accept that these are important needs that need to be met in more direct ways. For example, the need for power can be met through career, personal empowerment, the power of choice. And the need for connection can be met through genuine intimate connection with primary and significant relationships.
And once they get that, they can begin to work on the fine art of receiving. This will probably be a life-long task, but what a fun job to work at, right?
Living authentically means doing the inner work and going after the truest you.
Truth is, there is no music, not really, but the superhero hears it constantly. Who you gonna call? There’s one in every neighborhood and family. The primary enabler, the one with the time, the energy and the fortitude to just keep giving, and giving and giving. Yep, just like the Energizer Bunny.
Superhero must feel needed to justify his life. He is quite right about most everything and can appear to be very self-confident—as long as he is rescuing others. It gives him a certain feeling of control and that feeling is what he seeks when he rescues you. He is often found in relationships with others who need constant rescue. And he may even have picked a career that matches his need to rescue.
Superheros thrive on chaos. You might even say she’s a trauma junky. She knows what to do when someone needs rescuing, but could be quite uncertain about what to do about her own life. She seems to light up when someone she knows needs to be rescued. In fact, she may feel bored, lonely, even lost and abandoned when there is no one around who needs to be rescued.
There may have been a single traumatic incident or a slow drip of chaos and trauma in the early upbringing of the superhero. Superheros either fantasized about being able to rescue certain beloved and significant people in their lives or they were actually appointed as the rescuers for those significant others. Either way, when they don the garb of the rescuer and the music starts playing, there is no talking them out of this role. In extreme cases, even when all their money is gone and they are so exhausted that they are literally hospitalized, their only thought is for those they need to rescue.
There are some perks in playing the superhero role. You don’t have to feel your own pain when you are busy with the pain of others. And there is definitely a perception of power and strength conveyed to others, a perception that draws victims to superheros like an aphrodisiac.
But the truth is that for the superhero, the urge to rescue is just as compulsive as is the need to drink to the alcoholic. It is so compulsive because behind the peaceful, strong façade, there is a terrified little child waiting to be rescued. But that child will remain abandoned as long as the rescuer is rescuing others.
Superheros don’t really like the idea of therapy for themselves, so if they ever get there, it’s because they want to know how to rescue better. They will, if allowed, spend the entire hour talking about the person they want to rescue. It is very difficult for superheros to think about themselves at all, much less talk about themselves. If they think about themselves they might find that lost little child inside and we just can’t have that.
But every now and then superheros come to therapy because they are totally exhausted and in pain. Sometimes they are even angry at the person they’ve been trying to rescue for so long, who just won’t stay rescued. And then, they are more open to learning how it is that the person they want rescued has a right to burn up their lives any way they choose. And they might even begin to see how they donned the superhero costume in the first place. Their anger, in this case, might become their very best friend as they channel it into making choices to take care of themselves instead of actually interfering in the lives of others and calling it rescuing. More than that, they will learn how to say no to the myriad people who are using them.
However, those myriads may be just a tad bit angry themselves when Superhero starts saying “no.” They may up the ante by manipulating better than ever before; they may even try things like suicide. So, superheros are going to have to be ready for the onslaught before they make the announcement that they’ve retired from rescuing. This means they are going to need to get a great deal of personal clarity before they make it crystal clear to others.
Sometimes attending ALANON helps superheros to gain that kind of clarity. I recommend it frequently, even when the person that the superhero is trying to rescue is not an alcoholic or addict. The subject matter is the same.
More than anything else superheros are going to have to understand the secondary gains they received from playing this role. A secondary gain is an advantage obtained surreptitiously through behavior that belies the need for that advantage. Understanding these gains means that superheros begin to accept that these are important needs that need to be met in more direct ways. For example, the need for power can be met through career, personal empowerment, the power of choice. And the need for connection can be met through genuine intimate connection with primary and significant relationships.
And once they get that, they can begin to work on the fine art of receiving. This will probably be a life-long task, but what a fun job to work at, right?
Living authentically means doing the inner work and going after the truest you.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Paaarty Time!
You wouldn't think it would be a problem to have a philosophy that life's a party, but as we’ll see, it is a monumental problem. In my book Restoring My Soul, I call this fellow or gal, the Party Dude or Dudette, as the case may be. It is similar to what Dan Kiley calls the Peter Pan Syndrome, in his 1983 book of the same title. Mr. Kiley referred to it only in men, but I think that this mask and costume can be worn by either gender, for it is only a mask and costume. Essentially, what it means, however, is that whomever wears it is bound by a deep inner code that resists and refuses all responsibility of any kind. Of course, these individuals don’t see it as a code, for that would sound too much like obedience, which amounts to responsibility. Rather they see it as “the way to be.” But ultimately it means that paying bills, holding down a job, making and keeping a commitment all sound way too much like responsibility! Life’s a paaarty! Right?
She doesn’t want to have to deal with your tears, your upset, because she doesn’t want to have to deal with her own. He’s the jokester who is the first to crack a joke at the wake. She’s the party girl of whom all of her friends say, “she’s so much fun,” while she’s drinking or using herself into an early grave. He hops from relationship to relationship or if he stays in one for a while it will only be one in which his needs are taken care of by the significant other, so that he’s allowed to keep partying. Relationships serve, to the Party Dude(tte), as good covers for the game. If you are in relationship with this guy or gal, you’ll be paying the bills and keeping food on the table and not only that, but you’ll be the only one in this relationship that is really committed. Your Party Dude(tte) is only staying because you are providing. Oh, Party Dude(tte)s may love you, but only the way a child loves. They need you to be there for them, but they really don’t want to have to be there for you.
Charm and fun, these are the commodities for sale by Party guys and gals. They can be extremely charming and loads of laughs and in that way they are very attractive to someone who is hyper-responsible and needs to take a break now and then. But this uber-comedian is not there when the wind blows, the bough breaks and the cradle falls. Or if s/he is, it’s only for the laughs. And the place to crash.
Party Dude(tte)s very often come from a sad home—a home where the burden of sadness is palpable when you walk in the door. And with his natural gift for humor, this child becomes the one who can make others laugh. The perk in all of this is that she learns that people will actually turn to her and laugh, with that sparkle in their eyes that makes her feel loved. And because his antics usually bring a laugh at home, he’ll carry them to school, and even though he gets in trouble for doing it, if it brings a laugh and some longed-for attention, he’ll keep doing it. What Party Dude(tte)s are learning over time and experience is that this is how they can get some of their needs met. This is the bargain they make with the real world: IF I can make you laugh, THEN I feel important/loved/noticed and that’s as good as it’s going to get.
The sad part is that way down deep Party Dude(tte)s have given up on the hope of ever getting anything more. They have settled for far less than what they really need in hopes that this bargain will be good enough to last.
If you ask them to be responsible, from their perspective, you are asking them to seek after something for which they long-ago gave up the search. They don’t want to feel that hopelessness and you are reminding them of it. They want you to stop, go away, leave them alone and quit trying to make them grow up!
And the even sadder truth is that there are far too many perks in continuing to wear this mask and costume. I mean after all, you are paying all the bills, you are cleaning the house, you are taking care of all the details of life, you are moving my mountains; why oh why, should I make this stop? You may nag, cajole, lecture, slam doors and yell, but as long as you keep doing what you’ve been doing, I just feel like the chagrined kid for a few minutes, then I pick up the game again. In fact, the more you take on the parent role to my kid antics, the more I feel like a kid and allow you to be the parent. Drag me to therapy kicking and screaming, I’ll just recent you like the adolescent resents his parents. I’ll try for a while to make the therapist laugh or I’ll mock the therapist at home to make you laugh. After I find that’s not working, I’ll just start not showing, or make excuses for not scheduling and we’re off to the games again.
Typically, the only thing that brings this big kid to his knees is watching his own child get a broken heart. If Party Dude(tte) can see, really see, that s/he is breaking his or her child’s heart the same way his or hers was broken as a child, it makes a difference. But even this can be short lived unless the consequences for party behavior are very real. In other words, if I can see that I’ve broken my child’s heart, but that I can make him or her laugh and appear to get over it, then I don’t really have to change. But if I lose my child in a custody battle because I’ve gambled all the money away, and I can see how much this hurts my child—I might just get it. Children do tend to get to Party Dude(tte)s, but only because they are just big kids themselves.
But we don’t want Party Dude(tte)s to stop having fun, we just don’t want fun to strangle the life out of living. Anything in excess is too much. And fun stops being funny when it breaks our hearts. Fun stops being funny when we end up homeless because the addiction to the fun of party has robbed us of an income. Fun stops being fun when kids have to watch mom and dad fight over fun.
All the Party Dude(tte) needs to realize is that there is more than one way to connect with people. If everywhere I see you, you look like the Joker, then I’d say you are a caricature, not a real person. I don’t want to sleep, eat, have sex, talk, play and make important decision with a jokester. I only want to play with a jokester. Then it’s fun. Beyond that, no one is laughing.
Waking up means taking off the mask and costume to become the real you.
She doesn’t want to have to deal with your tears, your upset, because she doesn’t want to have to deal with her own. He’s the jokester who is the first to crack a joke at the wake. She’s the party girl of whom all of her friends say, “she’s so much fun,” while she’s drinking or using herself into an early grave. He hops from relationship to relationship or if he stays in one for a while it will only be one in which his needs are taken care of by the significant other, so that he’s allowed to keep partying. Relationships serve, to the Party Dude(tte), as good covers for the game. If you are in relationship with this guy or gal, you’ll be paying the bills and keeping food on the table and not only that, but you’ll be the only one in this relationship that is really committed. Your Party Dude(tte) is only staying because you are providing. Oh, Party Dude(tte)s may love you, but only the way a child loves. They need you to be there for them, but they really don’t want to have to be there for you.
Charm and fun, these are the commodities for sale by Party guys and gals. They can be extremely charming and loads of laughs and in that way they are very attractive to someone who is hyper-responsible and needs to take a break now and then. But this uber-comedian is not there when the wind blows, the bough breaks and the cradle falls. Or if s/he is, it’s only for the laughs. And the place to crash.
Party Dude(tte)s very often come from a sad home—a home where the burden of sadness is palpable when you walk in the door. And with his natural gift for humor, this child becomes the one who can make others laugh. The perk in all of this is that she learns that people will actually turn to her and laugh, with that sparkle in their eyes that makes her feel loved. And because his antics usually bring a laugh at home, he’ll carry them to school, and even though he gets in trouble for doing it, if it brings a laugh and some longed-for attention, he’ll keep doing it. What Party Dude(tte)s are learning over time and experience is that this is how they can get some of their needs met. This is the bargain they make with the real world: IF I can make you laugh, THEN I feel important/loved/noticed and that’s as good as it’s going to get.
The sad part is that way down deep Party Dude(tte)s have given up on the hope of ever getting anything more. They have settled for far less than what they really need in hopes that this bargain will be good enough to last.
If you ask them to be responsible, from their perspective, you are asking them to seek after something for which they long-ago gave up the search. They don’t want to feel that hopelessness and you are reminding them of it. They want you to stop, go away, leave them alone and quit trying to make them grow up!
And the even sadder truth is that there are far too many perks in continuing to wear this mask and costume. I mean after all, you are paying all the bills, you are cleaning the house, you are taking care of all the details of life, you are moving my mountains; why oh why, should I make this stop? You may nag, cajole, lecture, slam doors and yell, but as long as you keep doing what you’ve been doing, I just feel like the chagrined kid for a few minutes, then I pick up the game again. In fact, the more you take on the parent role to my kid antics, the more I feel like a kid and allow you to be the parent. Drag me to therapy kicking and screaming, I’ll just recent you like the adolescent resents his parents. I’ll try for a while to make the therapist laugh or I’ll mock the therapist at home to make you laugh. After I find that’s not working, I’ll just start not showing, or make excuses for not scheduling and we’re off to the games again.
Typically, the only thing that brings this big kid to his knees is watching his own child get a broken heart. If Party Dude(tte) can see, really see, that s/he is breaking his or her child’s heart the same way his or hers was broken as a child, it makes a difference. But even this can be short lived unless the consequences for party behavior are very real. In other words, if I can see that I’ve broken my child’s heart, but that I can make him or her laugh and appear to get over it, then I don’t really have to change. But if I lose my child in a custody battle because I’ve gambled all the money away, and I can see how much this hurts my child—I might just get it. Children do tend to get to Party Dude(tte)s, but only because they are just big kids themselves.
But we don’t want Party Dude(tte)s to stop having fun, we just don’t want fun to strangle the life out of living. Anything in excess is too much. And fun stops being funny when it breaks our hearts. Fun stops being funny when we end up homeless because the addiction to the fun of party has robbed us of an income. Fun stops being fun when kids have to watch mom and dad fight over fun.
All the Party Dude(tte) needs to realize is that there is more than one way to connect with people. If everywhere I see you, you look like the Joker, then I’d say you are a caricature, not a real person. I don’t want to sleep, eat, have sex, talk, play and make important decision with a jokester. I only want to play with a jokester. Then it’s fun. Beyond that, no one is laughing.
Waking up means taking off the mask and costume to become the real you.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Runaway
You don't like hearing it, if you are a Runaway, but you have not escaped. Not anything. You drag it around with you like a ball and chain. It alters your relationships, your jobs, your sense of yourself, everything--all because you are running from it.
You may feel that you have successfully escaped, but actually, you've only made things black or white. That thing you run from, whatever it is, is the black, and you are the white. It's bad, and you are good. Your past is bad, your abuser is bad, your family is bad, your childhood is bad, the things you did in the past are bad--but you have separated yourself from those bad things now, so, whew! everything is okay now. Right?
Wrong. All that has happened is that you have split yourself off from aspects of your own emotions. All the love and sorrow you feel for family members, all the wistfulness you feel for your memories, etc., all of these have been relegated to the unconscious, so that you can feel, literally feel, as if these things don't matter to you anymore. You wonder about this sometimes, how it is that you don't feel anything for these people, events, times or memories, and sometimes it even worries you, but you don't really want to spend too much time figuring this out, because way down deep you fear, that if you do you will be overcome with emotion.
But if you ever do become infected with pieces of shrapnel from your unconscious, when it blasts out of you unexpectedly you just attribute it to PMS, a bad day at work, or just being in a bad mood. You don't connect the dots between the two worlds, the one you've run from and the one of the present--which is, by the way, very much like the one you've run from. You don't look at the patterns of your own behavior that have created the world that mirrors, at least to some degree, the world you run from. You don't even realize the similarities between the two worlds. You just keep running.
Runaways tend to run from anything that makes them uncomfortable--even someone else's emotions. They don't tend to have much patience for the pain that their new friends and loved ones express. Instead, they basically give everyone who "whines" in their hearing a "get over it" whack on the back of the head. The central objective is to run--even if they have to move to Ethopia to do it. Geography works just as good as that whack on the head.
Runaways come into therapy when their own behavior disturbs them. They want to understand why they have done the things that they have done. But what so often happens for Runaways is that they find the person, event, place or thing to blame for the choices that they've made, they separate themselves from those people, events, places or things and that's all that they think they need to do. They have found an explanation for their own behaviors. Now the people or events they blame become the black enemy from which they must escape in order to take charge of their own lives. But, of course, as we've said, this doesn't provide real healing, only an illusionary escape.
So, how does one stop running? Well sometimes it takes a tragedy like the death of one of those despicable people in their pasts or a serious loss of some other type to make them begin to feel all of the love that they've always felt but didn't know they felt. Then there is all of the years of absence and loss to deal with, on top of the sorrow. This is the adult-child who hates his father until Dad dies. Then he grieves inconsolably, not only for the loss of his father, but for the loss of all of those years they could have shared, and for the fact that he never allowed his father any room for limitation and humanity.
Runaways must be willing to consider the possibility of gray. They must be willing to allow room for other people's mistakes. They must be willing to recognize that love is bigger than mistakes. Love doesn't die, even when we try to kill it.
Runaways must change some of their thinking and beliefs. If they are to heal, really heal, not just run, they must learn that black and white thinking is not only ineffective, but completely irrational. They must be willing to find and heal both the blacks and the whites. This means catching themselves in the act of self-betrayal, by recognizing black and white thinking when it occurs. This means catching themselves in the act of self-betrayal by recognizing the subtle mental posturing that they are doing that keeps them out of touch with their own feelings. This means plummeting the depths of their own shadow material.
That's not an easy job. But when people do it, they reconnect with people they have loved and lost due to their own cold choices. When people do it, they learn the art of forgiveness. They pass through the barriers in their own psyches that have prejudiced the past and the people in it and begin to see clearly all of the many different colors of the truth. In so doing their anxiety decreases, their dysfunctional behaviors subside and they become whole people.
We must encourage the Runaways in our lives not to stop growing, to explore the reasons why they can't feel anything, to come to terms, real terms, not black and white terms, with their pasts. It can be done. And on the other side of it is real human connection.
Love and Peace,
Andrea
You may feel that you have successfully escaped, but actually, you've only made things black or white. That thing you run from, whatever it is, is the black, and you are the white. It's bad, and you are good. Your past is bad, your abuser is bad, your family is bad, your childhood is bad, the things you did in the past are bad--but you have separated yourself from those bad things now, so, whew! everything is okay now. Right?
Wrong. All that has happened is that you have split yourself off from aspects of your own emotions. All the love and sorrow you feel for family members, all the wistfulness you feel for your memories, etc., all of these have been relegated to the unconscious, so that you can feel, literally feel, as if these things don't matter to you anymore. You wonder about this sometimes, how it is that you don't feel anything for these people, events, times or memories, and sometimes it even worries you, but you don't really want to spend too much time figuring this out, because way down deep you fear, that if you do you will be overcome with emotion.
But if you ever do become infected with pieces of shrapnel from your unconscious, when it blasts out of you unexpectedly you just attribute it to PMS, a bad day at work, or just being in a bad mood. You don't connect the dots between the two worlds, the one you've run from and the one of the present--which is, by the way, very much like the one you've run from. You don't look at the patterns of your own behavior that have created the world that mirrors, at least to some degree, the world you run from. You don't even realize the similarities between the two worlds. You just keep running.
Runaways tend to run from anything that makes them uncomfortable--even someone else's emotions. They don't tend to have much patience for the pain that their new friends and loved ones express. Instead, they basically give everyone who "whines" in their hearing a "get over it" whack on the back of the head. The central objective is to run--even if they have to move to Ethopia to do it. Geography works just as good as that whack on the head.
Runaways come into therapy when their own behavior disturbs them. They want to understand why they have done the things that they have done. But what so often happens for Runaways is that they find the person, event, place or thing to blame for the choices that they've made, they separate themselves from those people, events, places or things and that's all that they think they need to do. They have found an explanation for their own behaviors. Now the people or events they blame become the black enemy from which they must escape in order to take charge of their own lives. But, of course, as we've said, this doesn't provide real healing, only an illusionary escape.
So, how does one stop running? Well sometimes it takes a tragedy like the death of one of those despicable people in their pasts or a serious loss of some other type to make them begin to feel all of the love that they've always felt but didn't know they felt. Then there is all of the years of absence and loss to deal with, on top of the sorrow. This is the adult-child who hates his father until Dad dies. Then he grieves inconsolably, not only for the loss of his father, but for the loss of all of those years they could have shared, and for the fact that he never allowed his father any room for limitation and humanity.
Runaways must be willing to consider the possibility of gray. They must be willing to allow room for other people's mistakes. They must be willing to recognize that love is bigger than mistakes. Love doesn't die, even when we try to kill it.
Runaways must change some of their thinking and beliefs. If they are to heal, really heal, not just run, they must learn that black and white thinking is not only ineffective, but completely irrational. They must be willing to find and heal both the blacks and the whites. This means catching themselves in the act of self-betrayal, by recognizing black and white thinking when it occurs. This means catching themselves in the act of self-betrayal by recognizing the subtle mental posturing that they are doing that keeps them out of touch with their own feelings. This means plummeting the depths of their own shadow material.
That's not an easy job. But when people do it, they reconnect with people they have loved and lost due to their own cold choices. When people do it, they learn the art of forgiveness. They pass through the barriers in their own psyches that have prejudiced the past and the people in it and begin to see clearly all of the many different colors of the truth. In so doing their anxiety decreases, their dysfunctional behaviors subside and they become whole people.
We must encourage the Runaways in our lives not to stop growing, to explore the reasons why they can't feel anything, to come to terms, real terms, not black and white terms, with their pasts. It can be done. And on the other side of it is real human connection.
Love and Peace,
Andrea
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Superwoman
In this week in which Maria Shriver is so diligently working to inform us of the fact of and the art of women in the workplace, it’s a good time for us to talk about Superwoman. She's the woman in the retro commercial for Enjoli perfume who can "put the wash on the line, feed the kids, get dressed, pass out the kisses, and get to work by five and nine; … bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never, never, never let you forget you’re the man." But more than that, she can be counted on by the boss to get all of his projects done yesterday, and her own too! She is leaned on by everyone in her world, because she can be. And she seems to attract a whole population of people who just don't give a damn about when they get anything done, or if, in fact, they get it done at all. Why does she attract these people? Because she needs to stay in this Superwoman role. She needs to believe that she's in charge, totally in charge of her world, because if she's not, then she might turn into that lonely little child, who found herself totally alone in a world full of supposed caregivers, who didn't care about her.
She's the child whose parents were both alcoholics or drug addicts, who needed someone in the family to be responsible for her younger siblings, because they sure weren't going to be. She's the child who parented her own parents, as well as whomever else came with the package. She learned how to cook when she was five and somehow seemed to know what to do for her younger siblings when no one else did. She is the teenager who appears wise beyond her years, and is praised for that very thing, by teachers and other relatives--those very same relatives who are very glad that she's so responsible, because they don't want to have to step into her shoes.
She's the adult to whom her parents, siblings, children and friends still turn for wisdom, succor and money. But she's also the one who knows that they are not listening to her wisdom and couldn't care less about her succor--they just want the money, thank you very much.
She's the adult who has, over the years, built up an emotional wall between herself and the world, because she knows, without at doubt, that no one in her world really cares about her. They just need her to be there for them. And over those same years, she's built up an arsenal of secret bitterness that, for the most part, only leaks out in a few sarcastic words now and then. But since she believes that she is and must be super-strong, she can scoop those words right up in the pan and "never, never, never let you forget you're the man."
She's the adult who, when she finally decides to get help for herself (which is often many years down the road--and only after someone in authority insists upon it), she'll be suffering with all manner of stress-related diseases, from coronary disease to arthritis. Why? Because for so long she's stuffed her own anger and even her own needs so far down into her psyche that they've bled into her body.
Sometimes Superwoman will lose a job with which she has identified and suddenly become utterly depressed, despondent and even suicidal, because she can no longer be the Superwoman. Underneath every Superwoman is a small, unattended little child, waiting hopelessly in the wings for someone to finally reach out and take care of her. But no one has, and she's certain that no one ever will--so what's the point of living anymore. She can't be Superwoman and she can't be cared for. There's nothing left. Except the Authentic Self.
So, how does Superwoman finally find and begin to live the Authentic Self? She usually has to have a crisis first, similar to that described above. She's been so used to leaping over tall buildings with a single bound and running faster than a speeding bullet, that crises don't really affect her so much. So, it has to be a crisis that takes the wind out of her for a while. It has to be a crisis that makes her land clearly in the heart and mind of that little child. Then she can begin to hear the voice of her own very legitimate needs.
That said, I have seen Superwomen get it young. They somehow realize how unhappy they are, and how unloved they feel and they come to therapy. This younger generation is much more psychologically savvy than those of us in the boomer generation. They seem to get it sooner.
Some young women of today, though they haven’t experienced lack of caring in their homes, have adopted the Superwoman role as a way of immolating their super-strong mothers. Sometimes Superwoman is a single parent, and the daughter simply adopts the mother’s super-stance because Daughter thinks that it’s really working for Mom. So Daughter builds the same walls and bridges all the same gaps between herself and others, because she senses that this will keep her safe from the big, bad world. This daughter may have even been super-loved by Mom, but senses that Mom is trying to protect her from the monsters of the world, and adapts accordingly. But one day, just like Mom, she may have to realize that it was always only a poor coping mechanism.
So, what is the first step to moving out of Superwoman and into authenticity? Well, if this role is not also attached to the Scapegoat role, which it often is, she's not going to have loads of guilt to wade through also, and won't feel terribly selfish for beginning to think of herself. In fact, if she's not also a Scapegoat, she can begin to see that her needs are equal to those of whom she's taken care for all these years and that it might just be her turn.
But her turn doesn't mean getting others to take care of her. That's what she's been secretly craving all these years. But, here's the real deal about adulthood: nobody takes care of us, but us. There can be, will be, should be those who care about us. But take care of us? No. That's our job.
No matter who loves you, it is not their job to take care of your needs. You do that. How do you do that? Well, first you have to know what you need. That takes some soul searching. Then if what you need involves another person, you ask for it. Not demand it--I have to say this to the Superwoman who has been enabled for years in her demanding behaviors that never quite pay off--not demand. Ask. That person is either going to do it, or they are not. If not, you can go to someone else and ask. And if no one can do it, you can do it for yourself.
Superwoman doesn't really want to hear that. Superwoman thought that at the end of the Superwoman role, someone would be standing there, like a parent stands at the end of a sliding board, ready to catch the toddler. No, that's not how it works. The truth is that care-giving that actually takes care of, is meant for infants, toddlers and less and less as the years go by, for young children.
But that's not to say that Superwoman's needs cannot be met. She does have to begin to allow herself to grieve the childhood she never had, to allow herself to know that it's too late for her to be a child now, and that all she can do is move through the stages of grief to acceptance. Once she's begun to accept that she cannot be taken care of, she can begin to allow herself to seek and find real caring in her world. Where she finds that such caring cannot be given, she can remove herself from those relationships. When real caring happens she can begin to tear down the inner walls and allow herself to really take that caring in, as if she were smelling a rose for the first time. Be present with that caring, really feel that hug, really feel and notice the love in someone else's eyes, really receive. And what a gift it is to have your job be learning how to receive!
But there's one more job. She must learn to give only as she desires to give. Not because she HAS to, or SHOULD, but because she truly desires to give. Not only does this make her gifts much more authentic, but it energizes her, rather than depleting her energy.
Along the way, she's probably going to piss some people off. People have been counting on her to get it all done yesterday. And when she starts saying "no" to those tasks and activities and gifts that she doesn't really feel a desire to do, then those dependent people in her life might be a bit upset with her. But even bosses can come to see that they've been piling it on a little too high. And if not, well, it might be time to dust off that old Resume.
Superwoman can stop herself from becoming a death threat to herself. But the path isn't in learning how to do more for others--as many who come to see me often think. Many Superwoman who do finally land on my couch will say that they've come because there's something wrong with them, they used to be able to fly faster than a speeding bullet and they can't anymore. So their assignment to me is that I'm to fix what's broken and get them back to racing that bullet again. Nope, can't do it. Sorry. My job, as a therapist, first isn't to fix anything, but second, is to assist clients in becoming more true to their own deepest selves. Can't do that with a mask and costume.
So, if you are a Superwoman reading this blog, consider the telephone booth to your left, I left some street clothes there for you.
Love and Peace,
Andrea
She's the child whose parents were both alcoholics or drug addicts, who needed someone in the family to be responsible for her younger siblings, because they sure weren't going to be. She's the child who parented her own parents, as well as whomever else came with the package. She learned how to cook when she was five and somehow seemed to know what to do for her younger siblings when no one else did. She is the teenager who appears wise beyond her years, and is praised for that very thing, by teachers and other relatives--those very same relatives who are very glad that she's so responsible, because they don't want to have to step into her shoes.
She's the adult to whom her parents, siblings, children and friends still turn for wisdom, succor and money. But she's also the one who knows that they are not listening to her wisdom and couldn't care less about her succor--they just want the money, thank you very much.
She's the adult who has, over the years, built up an emotional wall between herself and the world, because she knows, without at doubt, that no one in her world really cares about her. They just need her to be there for them. And over those same years, she's built up an arsenal of secret bitterness that, for the most part, only leaks out in a few sarcastic words now and then. But since she believes that she is and must be super-strong, she can scoop those words right up in the pan and "never, never, never let you forget you're the man."
She's the adult who, when she finally decides to get help for herself (which is often many years down the road--and only after someone in authority insists upon it), she'll be suffering with all manner of stress-related diseases, from coronary disease to arthritis. Why? Because for so long she's stuffed her own anger and even her own needs so far down into her psyche that they've bled into her body.
Sometimes Superwoman will lose a job with which she has identified and suddenly become utterly depressed, despondent and even suicidal, because she can no longer be the Superwoman. Underneath every Superwoman is a small, unattended little child, waiting hopelessly in the wings for someone to finally reach out and take care of her. But no one has, and she's certain that no one ever will--so what's the point of living anymore. She can't be Superwoman and she can't be cared for. There's nothing left. Except the Authentic Self.
So, how does Superwoman finally find and begin to live the Authentic Self? She usually has to have a crisis first, similar to that described above. She's been so used to leaping over tall buildings with a single bound and running faster than a speeding bullet, that crises don't really affect her so much. So, it has to be a crisis that takes the wind out of her for a while. It has to be a crisis that makes her land clearly in the heart and mind of that little child. Then she can begin to hear the voice of her own very legitimate needs.
That said, I have seen Superwomen get it young. They somehow realize how unhappy they are, and how unloved they feel and they come to therapy. This younger generation is much more psychologically savvy than those of us in the boomer generation. They seem to get it sooner.
Some young women of today, though they haven’t experienced lack of caring in their homes, have adopted the Superwoman role as a way of immolating their super-strong mothers. Sometimes Superwoman is a single parent, and the daughter simply adopts the mother’s super-stance because Daughter thinks that it’s really working for Mom. So Daughter builds the same walls and bridges all the same gaps between herself and others, because she senses that this will keep her safe from the big, bad world. This daughter may have even been super-loved by Mom, but senses that Mom is trying to protect her from the monsters of the world, and adapts accordingly. But one day, just like Mom, she may have to realize that it was always only a poor coping mechanism.
So, what is the first step to moving out of Superwoman and into authenticity? Well, if this role is not also attached to the Scapegoat role, which it often is, she's not going to have loads of guilt to wade through also, and won't feel terribly selfish for beginning to think of herself. In fact, if she's not also a Scapegoat, she can begin to see that her needs are equal to those of whom she's taken care for all these years and that it might just be her turn.
But her turn doesn't mean getting others to take care of her. That's what she's been secretly craving all these years. But, here's the real deal about adulthood: nobody takes care of us, but us. There can be, will be, should be those who care about us. But take care of us? No. That's our job.
No matter who loves you, it is not their job to take care of your needs. You do that. How do you do that? Well, first you have to know what you need. That takes some soul searching. Then if what you need involves another person, you ask for it. Not demand it--I have to say this to the Superwoman who has been enabled for years in her demanding behaviors that never quite pay off--not demand. Ask. That person is either going to do it, or they are not. If not, you can go to someone else and ask. And if no one can do it, you can do it for yourself.
Superwoman doesn't really want to hear that. Superwoman thought that at the end of the Superwoman role, someone would be standing there, like a parent stands at the end of a sliding board, ready to catch the toddler. No, that's not how it works. The truth is that care-giving that actually takes care of, is meant for infants, toddlers and less and less as the years go by, for young children.
But that's not to say that Superwoman's needs cannot be met. She does have to begin to allow herself to grieve the childhood she never had, to allow herself to know that it's too late for her to be a child now, and that all she can do is move through the stages of grief to acceptance. Once she's begun to accept that she cannot be taken care of, she can begin to allow herself to seek and find real caring in her world. Where she finds that such caring cannot be given, she can remove herself from those relationships. When real caring happens she can begin to tear down the inner walls and allow herself to really take that caring in, as if she were smelling a rose for the first time. Be present with that caring, really feel that hug, really feel and notice the love in someone else's eyes, really receive. And what a gift it is to have your job be learning how to receive!
But there's one more job. She must learn to give only as she desires to give. Not because she HAS to, or SHOULD, but because she truly desires to give. Not only does this make her gifts much more authentic, but it energizes her, rather than depleting her energy.
Along the way, she's probably going to piss some people off. People have been counting on her to get it all done yesterday. And when she starts saying "no" to those tasks and activities and gifts that she doesn't really feel a desire to do, then those dependent people in her life might be a bit upset with her. But even bosses can come to see that they've been piling it on a little too high. And if not, well, it might be time to dust off that old Resume.
Superwoman can stop herself from becoming a death threat to herself. But the path isn't in learning how to do more for others--as many who come to see me often think. Many Superwoman who do finally land on my couch will say that they've come because there's something wrong with them, they used to be able to fly faster than a speeding bullet and they can't anymore. So their assignment to me is that I'm to fix what's broken and get them back to racing that bullet again. Nope, can't do it. Sorry. My job, as a therapist, first isn't to fix anything, but second, is to assist clients in becoming more true to their own deepest selves. Can't do that with a mask and costume.
So, if you are a Superwoman reading this blog, consider the telephone booth to your left, I left some street clothes there for you.
Love and Peace,
Andrea
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