Who You Gonna Call?

Can you hear the music? That march tempo that says there’s a hero in the room? Problem is, they forgot to play it for Grandma when she washed your clothes, bailed you out of jail and paid off your debts.

Truth is, there is no music, not really, but the superhero hears it constantly. Who you gonna call? There’s one in every neighborhood and family. The primary enabler, the one with the time, the energy and the fortitude to just keep giving, and giving and giving. Yep, just like the Energizer Bunny.

Superhero must feel needed to justify his life. He is quite right about most everything and can appear to be very self-confident—as long as he is rescuing others. It gives him a certain feeling of control and that feeling is what he seeks when he rescues you. He is often found in relationships with others who need constant rescue. And he may even have picked a career that matches his need to rescue.

Superheros thrive on chaos. You might even say she’s a trauma junky. She knows what to do when someone needs rescuing, but could be quite uncertain about what to do about her own life. She seems to light up when someone she knows needs to be rescued. In fact, she may feel bored, lonely, even lost and abandoned when there is no one around who needs to be rescued.

There may have been a single traumatic incident or a slow drip of chaos and trauma in the early upbringing of the superhero. Superheros either fantasized about being able to rescue certain beloved and significant people in their lives or they were actually appointed as the rescuers for those significant others. Either way, when they don the garb of the rescuer and the music starts playing, there is no talking them out of this role. In extreme cases, even when all their money is gone and they are so exhausted that they are literally hospitalized, their only thought is for those they need to rescue.

There are some perks in playing the superhero role. You don’t have to feel your own pain when you are busy with the pain of others. And there is definitely a perception of power and strength conveyed to others, a perception that draws victims to superheros like an aphrodisiac.

But the truth is that for the superhero, the urge to rescue is just as compulsive as is the need to drink to the alcoholic. It is so compulsive because behind the peaceful, strong façade, there is a terrified little child waiting to be rescued. But that child will remain abandoned as long as the rescuer is rescuing others.

Superheros don’t really like the idea of therapy for themselves, so if they ever get there, it’s because they want to know how to rescue better. They will, if allowed, spend the entire hour talking about the person they want to rescue. It is very difficult for superheros to think about themselves at all, much less talk about themselves. If they think about themselves they might find that lost little child inside and we just can’t have that.

But every now and then superheros come to therapy because they are totally exhausted and in pain. Sometimes they are even angry at the person they’ve been trying to rescue for so long, who just won’t stay rescued. And then, they are more open to learning how it is that the person they want rescued has a right to burn up their lives any way they choose. And they might even begin to see how they donned the superhero costume in the first place. Their anger, in this case, might become their very best friend as they channel it into making choices to take care of themselves instead of actually interfering in the lives of others and calling it rescuing. More than that, they will learn how to say no to the myriad people who are using them.

However, those myriads may be just a tad bit angry themselves when Superhero starts saying “no.” They may up the ante by manipulating better than ever before; they may even try things like suicide. So, superheros are going to have to be ready for the onslaught before they make the announcement that they’ve retired from rescuing. This means they are going to need to get a great deal of personal clarity before they make it crystal clear to others.

Sometimes attending ALANON helps superheros to gain that kind of clarity. I recommend it frequently, even when the person that the superhero is trying to rescue is not an alcoholic or addict. The subject matter is the same.

More than anything else superheros are going to have to understand the secondary gains they received from playing this role. A secondary gain is an advantage obtained surreptitiously through behavior that belies the need for that advantage. Understanding these gains means that superheros begin to accept that these are important needs that need to be met in more direct ways. For example, the need for power can be met through career, personal empowerment, the power of choice. And the need for connection can be met through genuine intimate connection with primary and significant relationships.

And once they get that, they can begin to work on the fine art of receiving. This will probably be a life-long task, but what a fun job to work at, right?

Living authentically means doing the inner work and going after the truest you.

Paaarty Time!

You wouldn't think it would be a problem to have a philosophy that life's a party, but as we’ll see, it is a monumental problem. In my book Restoring My Soul, I call this fellow or gal, the Party Dude or Dudette, as the case may be. It is similar to what Dan Kiley calls the Peter Pan Syndrome, in his 1983 book of the same title. Mr. Kiley referred to it only in men, but I think that this mask and costume can be worn by either gender, for it is only a mask and costume. Essentially, what it means, however, is that whomever wears it is bound by a deep inner code that resists and refuses all responsibility of any kind. Of course, these individuals don’t see it as a code, for that would sound too much like obedience, which amounts to responsibility. Rather they see it as “the way to be.” But ultimately it means that paying bills, holding down a job, making and keeping a commitment all sound way too much like responsibility! Life’s a paaarty! Right?

She doesn’t want to have to deal with your tears, your upset, because she doesn’t want to have to deal with her own. He’s the jokester who is the first to crack a joke at the wake. She’s the party girl of whom all of her friends say, “she’s so much fun,” while she’s drinking or using herself into an early grave. He hops from relationship to relationship or if he stays in one for a while it will only be one in which his needs are taken care of by the significant other, so that he’s allowed to keep partying. Relationships serve, to the Party Dude(tte), as good covers for the game. If you are in relationship with this guy or gal, you’ll be paying the bills and keeping food on the table and not only that, but you’ll be the only one in this relationship that is really committed. Your Party Dude(tte) is only staying because you are providing. Oh, Party Dude(tte)s may love you, but only the way a child loves. They need you to be there for them, but they really don’t want to have to be there for you.

Charm and fun, these are the commodities for sale by Party guys and gals. They can be extremely charming and loads of laughs and in that way they are very attractive to someone who is hyper-responsible and needs to take a break now and then. But this uber-comedian is not there when the wind blows, the bough breaks and the cradle falls. Or if s/he is, it’s only for the laughs. And the place to crash.

Party Dude(tte)s very often come from a sad home—a home where the burden of sadness is palpable when you walk in the door. And with his natural gift for humor, this child becomes the one who can make others laugh. The perk in all of this is that she learns that people will actually turn to her and laugh, with that sparkle in their eyes that makes her feel loved. And because his antics usually bring a laugh at home, he’ll carry them to school, and even though he gets in trouble for doing it, if it brings a laugh and some longed-for attention, he’ll keep doing it. What Party Dude(tte)s are learning over time and experience is that this is how they can get some of their needs met. This is the bargain they make with the real world: IF I can make you laugh, THEN I feel important/loved/noticed and that’s as good as it’s going to get.

The sad part is that way down deep Party Dude(tte)s have given up on the hope of ever getting anything more. They have settled for far less than what they really need in hopes that this bargain will be good enough to last.

If you ask them to be responsible, from their perspective, you are asking them to seek after something for which they long-ago gave up the search. They don’t want to feel that hopelessness and you are reminding them of it. They want you to stop, go away, leave them alone and quit trying to make them grow up!

And the even sadder truth is that there are far too many perks in continuing to wear this mask and costume. I mean after all, you are paying all the bills, you are cleaning the house, you are taking care of all the details of life, you are moving my mountains; why oh why, should I make this stop? You may nag, cajole, lecture, slam doors and yell, but as long as you keep doing what you’ve been doing, I just feel like the chagrined kid for a few minutes, then I pick up the game again. In fact, the more you take on the parent role to my kid antics, the more I feel like a kid and allow you to be the parent. Drag me to therapy kicking and screaming, I’ll just recent you like the adolescent resents his parents. I’ll try for a while to make the therapist laugh or I’ll mock the therapist at home to make you laugh. After I find that’s not working, I’ll just start not showing, or make excuses for not scheduling and we’re off to the games again.

Typically, the only thing that brings this big kid to his knees is watching his own child get a broken heart. If Party Dude(tte) can see, really see, that s/he is breaking his or her child’s heart the same way his or hers was broken as a child, it makes a difference. But even this can be short lived unless the consequences for party behavior are very real. In other words, if I can see that I’ve broken my child’s heart, but that I can make him or her laugh and appear to get over it, then I don’t really have to change. But if I lose my child in a custody battle because I’ve gambled all the money away, and I can see how much this hurts my child—I might just get it. Children do tend to get to Party Dude(tte)s, but only because they are just big kids themselves.

But we don’t want Party Dude(tte)s to stop having fun, we just don’t want fun to strangle the life out of living. Anything in excess is too much. And fun stops being funny when it breaks our hearts. Fun stops being funny when we end up homeless because the addiction to the fun of party has robbed us of an income. Fun stops being fun when kids have to watch mom and dad fight over fun.

All the Party Dude(tte) needs to realize is that there is more than one way to connect with people. If everywhere I see you, you look like the Joker, then I’d say you are a caricature, not a real person. I don’t want to sleep, eat, have sex, talk, play and make important decision with a jokester. I only want to play with a jokester. Then it’s fun. Beyond that, no one is laughing.

Waking up means taking off the mask and costume to become the real you.