Under it All

Okay, so you’ve figured out that you have been wearing a mask and costume for a huge part of your life. Now what? Well, the first thing that most of us do is feel really stupid or at least regretful, even guilty. But actually, we owe the mask and costume a debt of gratitude. In fact, it was the authentic Self that advised us to put on the mask and costume and act out the role in the first place. Wise old soul that it is, the authentic Self knew that that particular mask and costume would work with this particular personality, in this particular family system, to keep us alive—and not only alive physically, but sometimes keep us just awake enough to get to the place at which we have arrived today. If we look back at our own peculiar family system and get in touch with what we have done to cope with it, we might have to just congratulate ourselves for having been so smart as to choose that particular role.

Have you ever seen the branch of a tree grow all funky, taking a hard right angle turn from its trunk and then a few feet later taking another hard right angle turn straight up to the sky? I call these bench trees, because it looks like the tree has grown a bench for me to sit on—especially since the branches that grow funky like this are usually down low. As we know, what is happening is that the branch has been blocked from sunlight by another tree or some other object, and it has “decided” to go after the sun. So it reaches out to the side, finds the sun and then grows toward it. But it was the roots of the tree that sent a plant-message to the branch to keep living, to seek the sun, to do whatever it had to do to stay alive.

That is exactly what we have done in putting on the mask and costume and in acting out its role. We have found a way to get around the shadow of someone else’s choices and grow toward the sun anyway. From that perspective then, there is nothing to regret about the role itself. Certainly, we may have acted in ways for which we might later wish to make amends. But the role itself was important, even necessary.

Having said that, however, if we have come this far, we have probably realized that the roles were meant to be temporary. Once we arrive at adulthood, we have survived and we no longer need the roles to stay alive. We have moved fully into the sunlight now. So it is that when crisis or even happy changes occur in our lives, we find that we are being called by our authenticity to get more real, to take off the mask and costume, to care for ourselves in ways we have not previously allowed. Yet we have so identified with the mask and costume that it is easy to be completely deaf to that tiny calling voice within or to dismiss it if we do hear it.

But now, if we have done the work of recognizing the roles we’ve played and the masks and costumes with which we have identified, we know that these roles have kept us stuck in ineffective behaviors, thoughts, attitudes and emotions; that they have left us stuck in bad relationships and awful jobs. From this perspective we can clearly see the pattern and why it isn’t working. So, what now?

First, we can know this: the perspective we now have on our lives has come from the clear vision of the authentic Self. When we stand back in the observer mode and can see clearly the roles we have played in our lives, we automatically fall back into authenticity. Second, now that we can see the role and recognize at least some of the thoughts and feelings that come as a result of the belief system of the role, we can also see that there are thoughts, feelings and beliefs that are different from these.

The work here then is to spend more and more time every day in full awareness of the authentic Self. We can begin by getting more and more in touch with the beliefs that are coming from the authentic Self. One can see these clearly through the dissenting voices within. If, for example, I say that I believe that no one cares about me, but as I look back over my life, I can see clearly that I have rebuffed the attentions of many people who would probably have loved to care about me, then I might have to question that belief. If I believe that I should continue to stay in a job that I hate in order to provide for my family, yet I have this daily nagging longing to be doing another job that feels so much more true to who I am, then my belief is being challenged by that longing. I might have to realize that this job is not the only way to provide for my family. I might have to change beliefs that come from generations of familial dogma about gender roles. Or I might have to change beliefs that tell me that provision means affluence.

This is just one example of many of the ways that we can begin practicing a daily connection with the authentic Self, about which we will be saying much more as we go. This change process is not necessarily easy, but it is not necessarily hard either. It can be a lot of fun. But it can also be quite painful. Still, making a commitment to being authentic is a life choice that has everything to do with LIFE. That life force that is the roots of your tree is also now at the helm of your ship.

Over the next several blogs we will talk about the variant ways in which the authentic Self can guide that ship back home.