Blacky

In an earlier blog we talked about Mr. Guilt, as the scapegoat in the family of origin. In my book, Restoring My Soul: A Workbook for Finding and Living the Authentic Self, you'll find that the scapegoat role is divided into two very opposite sides of a coin. On the one side was Mr. Guilt, the Scapegoat Priest--as I refer to it in the book. On the other, was the Scapegoat Black Sheep. Mr. Guilt, or the Priest, is living out the role of someone who is always feeling guilty and responsible for the needs and lives of other people. He becomes, more or less, a people pleaser--one whose life is bent around the needs, even the manipulations of others. But the Black Sheep lives on the other side of that coin. Blacky has, like Mr. Guilt, incorporated guilt early, and identified with it. By identifying with guilt we believe ourselves to BE guilt. The only way to BE guilt is to feel intense shame. There are two ways to deal with such a feeling--either you try hard to erase it, or you live it out as if it were the entire truth of you.

Mr. Guilt tries hard to erase that feeling by being very, very "good." Blacky, on the other hand, lives out that guilt and shame. He can find no "good" in himself and can, therefore, not find it in anyone else. He does not believe that anyone has his best interest at heart. In fact, it is possible that this has been his literal experience. He may have been neglected and/or abused by primary caregivers. And he finds it hard, if not impossible to trust anyone else.

Blacky is so identified with the concept of "badness" that she cannot imagine that any genuineness exists on the planet. Her actions are, therefore, guarded at best, and at worst, downright mean. She's the friend who steals your boyfriend in high school, who spreads malicious rumors about you, and who calls out cruel names when you succeed at something.

He can be quite charming, if he needs something from you, but he knows what he's doing. And when he's won you over, he'll think just that much less of you. It's only those who cannot be won whom he respects, but that respect does not equate to trust. Rather, he'll watch these people like a hawk, and if he can't find a way in, he'll stay just far enough out to keep watching.

She's having sex earlier than most and sees it as a form of manipulation and/or yet another way of demonstrating that she's unworthy of real intimacy. She's also doing drugs earlier than most because there's simply not any other way to cope with a world in which she sees herself as shame and her world as completely untrustworthy.

This is not a gender-specific role, so the above descriptions could easily be given to the opposite gender. But the point is that Blacky starts "getting into trouble” young. He's been going to the principal's office for years and she's been cheating on her tests and finding little ways to insult and hurt herself and others for the same length of time.

But, unlike the Bully, the Black Sheep gets some sense of justice each time she or he gets caught. The Bully feels much less remorse, though she or he may or may not carry the diagnosis of the psychopath. Still, even though the Black Sheep may feel some remorse, it does not necessarily bring him to self-correction or even contrition. Rather the Black Sheep simply feels a bit less shame each time he is caught.

The Bully identity is built fully on lack of trust in the world--however small or large that world may be. The Black Sheep identity, on the other hand, is built on guilt and shame. But the faces can look very similar--until they are caught. Then you will see the Black Sheep settle into a quiet kind of peace, whereas the Bully will feel compelled to fight harder against a world that looks like it has betrayed him yet again.

The internal messages of the Black Sheep have to do with worthlessness, such as:
No one good would put up with me.
No one could ever really love me.
I'm out of control.
I don't know why I do the things I do.
I'm just bad to the bone.
It's all a joke anyway.
Don't trust anyone, anytime.
I am evil.

As an adult Blacky gets fired often, drops out of projects easily, demonstrates a low tolerance for frustration, breaks promises frequently, gets involved in illicit activities, and may become addicted (though any of the masks and costumes could become addicted). The Black Sheep mocks custom, privilege, rank, title and authority. Yet, others can sometimes be put up on an enormous pedestal. The pedestal is reserved for certain people he needs to hold in high esteem in order to maintain his own "badness," for you see, "badness" needs "goodness" in order to judge itself bad.

In order for the Black Sheep to develop an awareness of authenticity, she has to run into an immovable force. These are hard to find, because, believe it or not, the Black Sheep can actually be deeply loved by significant others—and they tend to let her get away with murder. Very often the Black Sheep will begin the shift to the authentic Self by swinging first to the other polarity--goodness. This is the prison inmate whose immovable force was jail, who suddenly "gets religion" and begins to do all manner of "good" deeds for others in order to identify now with that other side. If there's room for it, however, the Black Sheep can begin to see that neither being extra "good" or extra "bad" are working to make her happy. And that very unhappiness is a message from the authentic Self to try something different.

It's not the middle of the road that saves the Black Sheep, however, it's getting off the see-saw of "good" and "bad" all together. The paradigm must completely change from measuring oneself by one's supposed goodness or badness, to learning to walk the inner terrain long enough to find what is real. Goodness and badness are largely cultural concepts that are incorporated into our sense of ourselves when we are very young and our parents tell us, verbally or nonverbally, that we are bad and to be good. We don't need these concepts to develop ethical, compassionate responses. We only need our truest hearts and minds. But we keep ourselves from our truest hearts and minds by working hard to maintain a mask and costume.

So for Blacky the path is going to have to do with starting to look within to find what is true and false, rather than looking without to try to measure up to either good or bad. When he begins that process he will begin to act out of the truth he finds within, thus building trust in himself. It's definitely a journey worth taking. Striving to be good in order to avoid a shameful sense of self is not a peaceful life stance, nor is identifying with bad. But looking within to find the truth of your essence offers peace and an end to the mask and costume and very often, a whole new life.
I wish it for every Black Sheep,
Love and Peace,
Andrea