So, what is it like, in a practical sense, to live an authentic life? Living authentically is living inside out. It is living as if the source of everything is within. We've been taught just the opposite. We've been taught to believe that the source of all of our needs and desires is outside of us and we must work, strive and struggle to achieve or obtain it. We work hard for the money. We work hard to gain the power. We work, compromise and sacrifice for relationships. We work to learn all of the appropriate ways of interacting with others, so that we will gain social status, prestige or just a sense of belonging. All of these things are external goals, which we've been taught are worthy of attainment. These things, once achieved, will bring us peace of mind and happiness.
But living authentically means just the opposite. No, it doesn't mean that we forgo all of these desires and learn to live on a rarefied plane of existence in which we are not interested in any of these "worldly" things. It means that instead of seeking these external things as the source of our happiness and peace of mind, instead we go within and live from there. We find all of the resources we need, all of the peace, all of the joy, all of the love, within. And once we have found it within, then we can carry what we have received within, out into the external world.
This means that instead of striving for external rewards, we "cease striving" by coming to know our own I AM. So, we are not reacting to the external as if it were the basis for our survival; we are responding to internal messages, stimuli and urgings--because they truly are the basis for more than survival. These internal messages, urgings and stimuli are leading us to LIFE. Not survival--Life.
So, in a given day, as you waken and get up to brush your teeth, you are not stressing over whether or not you'll get to work on time, and planning out your day based on the agenda of "what ifs" and fears. Rather, you are looking within, remembering your dreams, dialoguing with yourself to learn of the secret meanings behind the images in your dreams. And as you get into the routine of your day, you are not living with fear in the pit of your stomach all day, as you speed through trying to meet deadlines and please others, who seem to have the power to control at least your happiness, if not your entire well-being. Rather, you are "coming from" within, so that your actions are driven by a deep inner base of peace. You are doing the things that come from that peace. You are creating the opportunities for yourself and others that come from that peace. As you interact with others, you are not reacting based on trying to please them, control them, appease them, save them, fix them or otherwise externalize your sense of mission. Rather, you are responding to them from that deep inner place of peace and joy within you, so that your words, body language and choices are led by that inner structure of peace, joy and love.
We've spent whole lifetimes outsourcing our happiness. But it isn't out there. It is within. And not just within for 15-30 minutes a day as we meditate and then forget all about it. Within is without, when we are living authentically.
This means that we do not attract from the outside in, as our current understanding of the law of attraction implies. In fact, we are challenged to go much deeper and live much higher, from the true law of attraction. And what we attract is much bigger, much wider, much deeper than our current understanding implies.
This is why I wrote the book, soon to be published by O Books, and currently titled "The Law of Attraction: The Unadulterated Truth About Why it isn't Working and How it Can." While it doesn't debunk the law of attraction, what it does do is completely revise our understanding of it. So, stay tuned, that book will be coming out in the summer or fall of 2011.
Until then, look within. Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to give birth to your Self.
Love,
Andrea.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Under it All
Okay, so you’ve figured out that you have been wearing a mask and costume for a huge part of your life. Now what? Well, the first thing that most of us do is feel really stupid or at least regretful, even guilty. But actually, we owe the mask and costume a debt of gratitude. In fact, it was the authentic Self that advised us to put on the mask and costume and act out the role in the first place. Wise old soul that it is, the authentic Self knew that that particular mask and costume would work with this particular personality, in this particular family system, to keep us alive—and not only alive physically, but sometimes keep us just awake enough to get to the place at which we have arrived today. If we look back at our own peculiar family system and get in touch with what we have done to cope with it, we might have to just congratulate ourselves for having been so smart as to choose that particular role.
Have you ever seen the branch of a tree grow all funky, taking a hard right angle turn from its trunk and then a few feet later taking another hard right angle turn straight up to the sky? I call these bench trees, because it looks like the tree has grown a bench for me to sit on—especially since the branches that grow funky like this are usually down low. As we know, what is happening is that the branch has been blocked from sunlight by another tree or some other object, and it has “decided” to go after the sun. So it reaches out to the side, finds the sun and then grows toward it. But it was the roots of the tree that sent a plant-message to the branch to keep living, to seek the sun, to do whatever it had to do to stay alive.
That is exactly what we have done in putting on the mask and costume and in acting out its role. We have found a way to get around the shadow of someone else’s choices and grow toward the sun anyway. From that perspective then, there is nothing to regret about the role itself. Certainly, we may have acted in ways for which we might later wish to make amends. But the role itself was important, even necessary.
Having said that, however, if we have come this far, we have probably realized that the roles were meant to be temporary. Once we arrive at adulthood, we have survived and we no longer need the roles to stay alive. We have moved fully into the sunlight now. So it is that when crisis or even happy changes occur in our lives, we find that we are being called by our authenticity to get more real, to take off the mask and costume, to care for ourselves in ways we have not previously allowed. Yet we have so identified with the mask and costume that it is easy to be completely deaf to that tiny calling voice within or to dismiss it if we do hear it.
But now, if we have done the work of recognizing the roles we’ve played and the masks and costumes with which we have identified, we know that these roles have kept us stuck in ineffective behaviors, thoughts, attitudes and emotions; that they have left us stuck in bad relationships and awful jobs. From this perspective we can clearly see the pattern and why it isn’t working. So, what now?
First, we can know this: the perspective we now have on our lives has come from the clear vision of the authentic Self. When we stand back in the observer mode and can see clearly the roles we have played in our lives, we automatically fall back into authenticity. Second, now that we can see the role and recognize at least some of the thoughts and feelings that come as a result of the belief system of the role, we can also see that there are thoughts, feelings and beliefs that are different from these.
The work here then is to spend more and more time every day in full awareness of the authentic Self. We can begin by getting more and more in touch with the beliefs that are coming from the authentic Self. One can see these clearly through the dissenting voices within. If, for example, I say that I believe that no one cares about me, but as I look back over my life, I can see clearly that I have rebuffed the attentions of many people who would probably have loved to care about me, then I might have to question that belief. If I believe that I should continue to stay in a job that I hate in order to provide for my family, yet I have this daily nagging longing to be doing another job that feels so much more true to who I am, then my belief is being challenged by that longing. I might have to realize that this job is not the only way to provide for my family. I might have to change beliefs that come from generations of familial dogma about gender roles. Or I might have to change beliefs that tell me that provision means affluence.
This is just one example of many of the ways that we can begin practicing a daily connection with the authentic Self, about which we will be saying much more as we go. This change process is not necessarily easy, but it is not necessarily hard either. It can be a lot of fun. But it can also be quite painful. Still, making a commitment to being authentic is a life choice that has everything to do with LIFE. That life force that is the roots of your tree is also now at the helm of your ship.
Over the next several blogs we will talk about the variant ways in which the authentic Self can guide that ship back home.
Have you ever seen the branch of a tree grow all funky, taking a hard right angle turn from its trunk and then a few feet later taking another hard right angle turn straight up to the sky? I call these bench trees, because it looks like the tree has grown a bench for me to sit on—especially since the branches that grow funky like this are usually down low. As we know, what is happening is that the branch has been blocked from sunlight by another tree or some other object, and it has “decided” to go after the sun. So it reaches out to the side, finds the sun and then grows toward it. But it was the roots of the tree that sent a plant-message to the branch to keep living, to seek the sun, to do whatever it had to do to stay alive.
That is exactly what we have done in putting on the mask and costume and in acting out its role. We have found a way to get around the shadow of someone else’s choices and grow toward the sun anyway. From that perspective then, there is nothing to regret about the role itself. Certainly, we may have acted in ways for which we might later wish to make amends. But the role itself was important, even necessary.
Having said that, however, if we have come this far, we have probably realized that the roles were meant to be temporary. Once we arrive at adulthood, we have survived and we no longer need the roles to stay alive. We have moved fully into the sunlight now. So it is that when crisis or even happy changes occur in our lives, we find that we are being called by our authenticity to get more real, to take off the mask and costume, to care for ourselves in ways we have not previously allowed. Yet we have so identified with the mask and costume that it is easy to be completely deaf to that tiny calling voice within or to dismiss it if we do hear it.
But now, if we have done the work of recognizing the roles we’ve played and the masks and costumes with which we have identified, we know that these roles have kept us stuck in ineffective behaviors, thoughts, attitudes and emotions; that they have left us stuck in bad relationships and awful jobs. From this perspective we can clearly see the pattern and why it isn’t working. So, what now?
First, we can know this: the perspective we now have on our lives has come from the clear vision of the authentic Self. When we stand back in the observer mode and can see clearly the roles we have played in our lives, we automatically fall back into authenticity. Second, now that we can see the role and recognize at least some of the thoughts and feelings that come as a result of the belief system of the role, we can also see that there are thoughts, feelings and beliefs that are different from these.
The work here then is to spend more and more time every day in full awareness of the authentic Self. We can begin by getting more and more in touch with the beliefs that are coming from the authentic Self. One can see these clearly through the dissenting voices within. If, for example, I say that I believe that no one cares about me, but as I look back over my life, I can see clearly that I have rebuffed the attentions of many people who would probably have loved to care about me, then I might have to question that belief. If I believe that I should continue to stay in a job that I hate in order to provide for my family, yet I have this daily nagging longing to be doing another job that feels so much more true to who I am, then my belief is being challenged by that longing. I might have to realize that this job is not the only way to provide for my family. I might have to change beliefs that come from generations of familial dogma about gender roles. Or I might have to change beliefs that tell me that provision means affluence.
This is just one example of many of the ways that we can begin practicing a daily connection with the authentic Self, about which we will be saying much more as we go. This change process is not necessarily easy, but it is not necessarily hard either. It can be a lot of fun. But it can also be quite painful. Still, making a commitment to being authentic is a life choice that has everything to do with LIFE. That life force that is the roots of your tree is also now at the helm of your ship.
Over the next several blogs we will talk about the variant ways in which the authentic Self can guide that ship back home.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Blacky
In an earlier blog we talked about Mr. Guilt, as the scapegoat in the family of origin. In my book, Restoring My Soul: A Workbook for Finding and Living the Authentic Self, you'll find that the scapegoat role is divided into two very opposite sides of a coin. On the one side was Mr. Guilt, the Scapegoat Priest--as I refer to it in the book. On the other, was the Scapegoat Black Sheep. Mr. Guilt, or the Priest, is living out the role of someone who is always feeling guilty and responsible for the needs and lives of other people. He becomes, more or less, a people pleaser--one whose life is bent around the needs, even the manipulations of others. But the Black Sheep lives on the other side of that coin. Blacky has, like Mr. Guilt, incorporated guilt early, and identified with it. By identifying with guilt we believe ourselves to BE guilt. The only way to BE guilt is to feel intense shame. There are two ways to deal with such a feeling--either you try hard to erase it, or you live it out as if it were the entire truth of you.
Mr. Guilt tries hard to erase that feeling by being very, very "good." Blacky, on the other hand, lives out that guilt and shame. He can find no "good" in himself and can, therefore, not find it in anyone else. He does not believe that anyone has his best interest at heart. In fact, it is possible that this has been his literal experience. He may have been neglected and/or abused by primary caregivers. And he finds it hard, if not impossible to trust anyone else.
Blacky is so identified with the concept of "badness" that she cannot imagine that any genuineness exists on the planet. Her actions are, therefore, guarded at best, and at worst, downright mean. She's the friend who steals your boyfriend in high school, who spreads malicious rumors about you, and who calls out cruel names when you succeed at something.
He can be quite charming, if he needs something from you, but he knows what he's doing. And when he's won you over, he'll think just that much less of you. It's only those who cannot be won whom he respects, but that respect does not equate to trust. Rather, he'll watch these people like a hawk, and if he can't find a way in, he'll stay just far enough out to keep watching.
She's having sex earlier than most and sees it as a form of manipulation and/or yet another way of demonstrating that she's unworthy of real intimacy. She's also doing drugs earlier than most because there's simply not any other way to cope with a world in which she sees herself as shame and her world as completely untrustworthy.
This is not a gender-specific role, so the above descriptions could easily be given to the opposite gender. But the point is that Blacky starts "getting into trouble” young. He's been going to the principal's office for years and she's been cheating on her tests and finding little ways to insult and hurt herself and others for the same length of time.
But, unlike the Bully, the Black Sheep gets some sense of justice each time she or he gets caught. The Bully feels much less remorse, though she or he may or may not carry the diagnosis of the psychopath. Still, even though the Black Sheep may feel some remorse, it does not necessarily bring him to self-correction or even contrition. Rather the Black Sheep simply feels a bit less shame each time he is caught.
The Bully identity is built fully on lack of trust in the world--however small or large that world may be. The Black Sheep identity, on the other hand, is built on guilt and shame. But the faces can look very similar--until they are caught. Then you will see the Black Sheep settle into a quiet kind of peace, whereas the Bully will feel compelled to fight harder against a world that looks like it has betrayed him yet again.
The internal messages of the Black Sheep have to do with worthlessness, such as:
No one good would put up with me.
No one could ever really love me.
I'm out of control.
I don't know why I do the things I do.
I'm just bad to the bone.
It's all a joke anyway.
Don't trust anyone, anytime.
I am evil.
As an adult Blacky gets fired often, drops out of projects easily, demonstrates a low tolerance for frustration, breaks promises frequently, gets involved in illicit activities, and may become addicted (though any of the masks and costumes could become addicted). The Black Sheep mocks custom, privilege, rank, title and authority. Yet, others can sometimes be put up on an enormous pedestal. The pedestal is reserved for certain people he needs to hold in high esteem in order to maintain his own "badness," for you see, "badness" needs "goodness" in order to judge itself bad.
In order for the Black Sheep to develop an awareness of authenticity, she has to run into an immovable force. These are hard to find, because, believe it or not, the Black Sheep can actually be deeply loved by significant others—and they tend to let her get away with murder. Very often the Black Sheep will begin the shift to the authentic Self by swinging first to the other polarity--goodness. This is the prison inmate whose immovable force was jail, who suddenly "gets religion" and begins to do all manner of "good" deeds for others in order to identify now with that other side. If there's room for it, however, the Black Sheep can begin to see that neither being extra "good" or extra "bad" are working to make her happy. And that very unhappiness is a message from the authentic Self to try something different.
It's not the middle of the road that saves the Black Sheep, however, it's getting off the see-saw of "good" and "bad" all together. The paradigm must completely change from measuring oneself by one's supposed goodness or badness, to learning to walk the inner terrain long enough to find what is real. Goodness and badness are largely cultural concepts that are incorporated into our sense of ourselves when we are very young and our parents tell us, verbally or nonverbally, that we are bad and to be good. We don't need these concepts to develop ethical, compassionate responses. We only need our truest hearts and minds. But we keep ourselves from our truest hearts and minds by working hard to maintain a mask and costume.
So for Blacky the path is going to have to do with starting to look within to find what is true and false, rather than looking without to try to measure up to either good or bad. When he begins that process he will begin to act out of the truth he finds within, thus building trust in himself. It's definitely a journey worth taking. Striving to be good in order to avoid a shameful sense of self is not a peaceful life stance, nor is identifying with bad. But looking within to find the truth of your essence offers peace and an end to the mask and costume and very often, a whole new life.
I wish it for every Black Sheep,
Love and Peace,
Andrea
Mr. Guilt tries hard to erase that feeling by being very, very "good." Blacky, on the other hand, lives out that guilt and shame. He can find no "good" in himself and can, therefore, not find it in anyone else. He does not believe that anyone has his best interest at heart. In fact, it is possible that this has been his literal experience. He may have been neglected and/or abused by primary caregivers. And he finds it hard, if not impossible to trust anyone else.
Blacky is so identified with the concept of "badness" that she cannot imagine that any genuineness exists on the planet. Her actions are, therefore, guarded at best, and at worst, downright mean. She's the friend who steals your boyfriend in high school, who spreads malicious rumors about you, and who calls out cruel names when you succeed at something.
He can be quite charming, if he needs something from you, but he knows what he's doing. And when he's won you over, he'll think just that much less of you. It's only those who cannot be won whom he respects, but that respect does not equate to trust. Rather, he'll watch these people like a hawk, and if he can't find a way in, he'll stay just far enough out to keep watching.
She's having sex earlier than most and sees it as a form of manipulation and/or yet another way of demonstrating that she's unworthy of real intimacy. She's also doing drugs earlier than most because there's simply not any other way to cope with a world in which she sees herself as shame and her world as completely untrustworthy.
This is not a gender-specific role, so the above descriptions could easily be given to the opposite gender. But the point is that Blacky starts "getting into trouble” young. He's been going to the principal's office for years and she's been cheating on her tests and finding little ways to insult and hurt herself and others for the same length of time.
But, unlike the Bully, the Black Sheep gets some sense of justice each time she or he gets caught. The Bully feels much less remorse, though she or he may or may not carry the diagnosis of the psychopath. Still, even though the Black Sheep may feel some remorse, it does not necessarily bring him to self-correction or even contrition. Rather the Black Sheep simply feels a bit less shame each time he is caught.
The Bully identity is built fully on lack of trust in the world--however small or large that world may be. The Black Sheep identity, on the other hand, is built on guilt and shame. But the faces can look very similar--until they are caught. Then you will see the Black Sheep settle into a quiet kind of peace, whereas the Bully will feel compelled to fight harder against a world that looks like it has betrayed him yet again.
The internal messages of the Black Sheep have to do with worthlessness, such as:
No one good would put up with me.
No one could ever really love me.
I'm out of control.
I don't know why I do the things I do.
I'm just bad to the bone.
It's all a joke anyway.
Don't trust anyone, anytime.
I am evil.
As an adult Blacky gets fired often, drops out of projects easily, demonstrates a low tolerance for frustration, breaks promises frequently, gets involved in illicit activities, and may become addicted (though any of the masks and costumes could become addicted). The Black Sheep mocks custom, privilege, rank, title and authority. Yet, others can sometimes be put up on an enormous pedestal. The pedestal is reserved for certain people he needs to hold in high esteem in order to maintain his own "badness," for you see, "badness" needs "goodness" in order to judge itself bad.
In order for the Black Sheep to develop an awareness of authenticity, she has to run into an immovable force. These are hard to find, because, believe it or not, the Black Sheep can actually be deeply loved by significant others—and they tend to let her get away with murder. Very often the Black Sheep will begin the shift to the authentic Self by swinging first to the other polarity--goodness. This is the prison inmate whose immovable force was jail, who suddenly "gets religion" and begins to do all manner of "good" deeds for others in order to identify now with that other side. If there's room for it, however, the Black Sheep can begin to see that neither being extra "good" or extra "bad" are working to make her happy. And that very unhappiness is a message from the authentic Self to try something different.
It's not the middle of the road that saves the Black Sheep, however, it's getting off the see-saw of "good" and "bad" all together. The paradigm must completely change from measuring oneself by one's supposed goodness or badness, to learning to walk the inner terrain long enough to find what is real. Goodness and badness are largely cultural concepts that are incorporated into our sense of ourselves when we are very young and our parents tell us, verbally or nonverbally, that we are bad and to be good. We don't need these concepts to develop ethical, compassionate responses. We only need our truest hearts and minds. But we keep ourselves from our truest hearts and minds by working hard to maintain a mask and costume.
So for Blacky the path is going to have to do with starting to look within to find what is true and false, rather than looking without to try to measure up to either good or bad. When he begins that process he will begin to act out of the truth he finds within, thus building trust in himself. It's definitely a journey worth taking. Striving to be good in order to avoid a shameful sense of self is not a peaceful life stance, nor is identifying with bad. But looking within to find the truth of your essence offers peace and an end to the mask and costume and very often, a whole new life.
I wish it for every Black Sheep,
Love and Peace,
Andrea
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